Melissa's Life

Mobile

2012-02-05T02:20:00.001-08:00

My first mobile post

Untethered

2011-11-21T01:49:00.000-08:00

Lexie Finally Had Her Spine Surgery And this is what I wrote on Face Book I Promise I will Write More here Soon! I Have been so neglectful with My Blog!!

Ok Everyone Sorry For The Delay In Details of Lexie's Surgery, It Has Been and Relieving But Very Stressful Day For Us.......................Lexie Went Into Surgery Around 7:15 Am and Was Out By 11:40 Am. Surgery Went Well Thank You God And All Who Prayed For Us! It Also Went Faster Then Expected and Went Smoothly. She Had A Small Piece Of Bone Removed then they disconnected the tether, It had a Few Nerves attached to it but the peeled them right off so Surgery went complication Free In The OR As Far We Can Tell So Far. It Will Take Time To See If That Really Is The Case...................Now To The Stressful Part(Thank You To My Mom For All Her Help!!) Lexie Has To Be Sedated on her Tummy As Flat As Possible For At Least 24 Hours But I have Heard It May Be Up to 3 days! She Has been Having Trouble With The Sedation...............They Came To Get Us After Lexie Woke Up In Recovery and They had Sedated her So We Could Walk to the Room with Her and When She Saw Us She Tried to Get up So They Had to Give Her More Meds............She Has Fought Through The Meds So Many Time I Can't Count..........*Sigh* Then She Has To be Held Down Until She Settles Down SO She Doesn't Hurt Her Back......I Have to Help Hold Her Down Because She Is So Strong. I Can't Touch, Talk two, Kiss, Hold, Or Be Near Lexie As Of Now Same For Carl We are to Stimulating for Her She can stand Everyone Else But Us As Soon As She Hears Our Voice's Her Vitals Go Crazy and She Trys To Crawl to Us. She Can Have No Visitors Or Phone Call's Please Until She Is Not At All Sedated And I Am Not Able To Touch Her, Or Go Near Her, Or Talk In The Same Room As Her. It Breaks My Heart Not being able to Comfort My Sick Hurt Baby! I Know It Is For The Best And She Has And AidSitter That is There Just for Her and Wont Wake Her Up. She Is On 6 Different Meds, Has 2 IV's, A Cath, Presser cuff,leds and o2 censers . She Is Squeaking In Her Sleep LOL Cute!! Sorry It Took So Long To get This Out It's Been Along Hard Stressful Day! Please Continue To Pray For Lexie If You Can And Know I am Grateful and Am Praying For You To!

2011-07-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

I carry a card in my wallet.......Its like any other appointment card, you know the size of a bussins card, gray with black letters like so many out there...........It would mean nothing to most they would have thrown it out by now but I keep it.......I keep it. I keep it because it is the last little piece I have of my sweet Sonya Marie........It is the last appointment card I got before I knew she would leave my life for Heaven. 5 years ago I found out I would have a beautiful baby My 4th I LOVED Her from the moment I brought that dollar test home and it turned positive! I loved her more then anything. I begged God to give me her for 2 Years and that day was the day my Prayers were answered and my Faith Restored! I Rejoiced in this precisest gift God Gave me and I protected Her Till the day she Had to be Taken from me even if she wasn't alive anymore she was still my baby and I would do anything to make sure I didn't harm her.....Take a Drink, They say, It Will Calm You......Ummmmm She is still Inside Me Sorry But No Thanks!Then comes the it wont hurt her she is already gone! Thanks for pointing that out as if I didn't know Already! Why don't you just rip out my Heart??...........That's for another day though.......Sigh I keep this appointment card in my wallet....I have for 4 years and 10 months and I do not plan on taking it out. Maybe one day I will be able to just say I can leave it behind in her box but for now it comes where I go....It is the last piece of her I carry with me.

I have so many broken dreams and unanswered questions........Yes I have a Daughter here with me but my dreams for her are not the same as mine were for Sonya......I Really Miss Her..............Seems like I am Alone in this grief like every one else moved on and I am the only one how cares or remembers.......I know they do but I feel sometimes I walk alone in this trying to wade through the broken pieces of my life and pick up the ones I think are important to remember..................

MRI is Scheduled!

2011-07-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Lexie's MRI is on August 15th and we have to be to the hospital in Grand Rapids at 8am then she has to be put under and the MRI is at 10 then we will be in recovery for some time then off to the Neurosurgeon to get the result's of the MRI at 2:30pm and we will go from there! Please Pray that her spine will be find or have only a mild defect. Thank You! We are hoping for the best and preparing for the worse.........We know God will not give us more then we can handle! We have faith that even if there is something wrong she will get complete healing! I think I have said before that if it is found to be tethered we will have the surgery as soon as possible. Sometimes they never get symptoms but once they lose function it can never be restored.Please Pray for Us and Lexie Thank You!

The Waiting Game and Life Update...

2011-06-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

As I have wrote before Lexie Has to have an MRI in July to see if she has a tethered Spine and if so we will opt for surgery. I have waited all month for them to call and they said to call them if they did not call by the end of the month so I called and got the answering machine Ugh!! So now we wait some more! The waiting is Killing Me! I just want it all to be over I want to know what we have to do next and just have a plan! Carl has started a new Job (yay for Him!) that will make it almost impossible for him to be at the MRI and Hard to be there for the Surgery if it is needed! This makes me very upset that he will not be able to be there for our daughter when she needs him since she will have to be put under for the MRI so you never know how her body will handle it. I am so nervous with it all! I am scared of what the will find since she has one curved leg and her foot on that leg turns in some she also has a floppy ear on that side but other then that she is a healthy happy almost 6 month old! She is doing great she rolls and sits up eats like a champ and says words I do not think I ever heard from a baby her age! She learned her H and I first because instead of the repetitive Say Mama Or Say Dada most people do well trying to get their kids to say those sounds I use Hi and I love you most when speaking to her so she picked up those start sounds first.She is so cute! I will say Hello to her and she will mouth the word! I will also say I Love you and she will make sounds that sound like the words I love you! She is a Beautiful baby though I may be Bisus Because after all she is is mine! She has said both Mama and Dada one time each. She will sign more, bottle and up. She also has her own signs for a few more things. She will eat baby food but is more interested in food that has texture and cups that don't have lids she has an a want sound that sounds like a growl! She is just a handful and a Joy! She takes up most of my time so it is a bit annoying when trying to get things done I need to through out the day! She dose sleep pretty good from about 11 pm to 6 am every night now which is nice since I have a 3 year old that has slept one night through since birth! She plays with toys by herself but would rather play with someone then alone. I wear her as much as I can but I have hip, back, and shoulder problems so it is hard on my body sometimes!

Wow I can not believe I have two birthdays coming up one Son Collin Will be 10 OMG I can not believe he is that old already! Then Logan Will be 3 and that seems right he has not grown up to fast or to slow but just the right pace for me! Logan is very small for his age he is 29 pounds and 34 in the size of an average 18 month old! He is my tiniest boy and I Love him that way! Collin is very smart and is going into the 4th grade next year! It took us a lot of work to get him to the little man he is today but he is a handful and a joy all in one! He is a handful in the sense he is very emotional and dose not have the ability to express it like normal people he is a joy in the sense he is kind and loving and a very giving person! He is so sweet and a Joy to be around but he is also very loud and get frustrated easily and will yell and threaten me in a none violent way (IE telling me he will tell people I hurt him when I don't) And it gets very annoying at times but the good in him out weighs all the bad!

As I said earlier Carl(husband) has got a new Job! He was miserable at his old one and only kept going because he needed to support us. If he didn't have the kids and I to take care of he would have quit long ago. For that I Love him so Very Much and will Thank Him and God for him Everyday! He likes this job better but hates the place in the foundry they have put him at this point. I hope he will get to work some place he likes better in the near future! He gets better pay and better perks but less over time so we will be tight for awhile, If anyone reads this can you Please Pray for our finances? Thank You!

My health is still not so good, in the summer it always gets worse. The doctors can't agree on what is wrong, It is very frustrating to know your sick and not be able to say yes I have this and have people believe you. Some people say it is all in your head and you start to think Hummmm maybe it is even though you know its not and know you are not crazy and there Is something wrong! I am soo Sick of being tired, and having sores, and losing hair, and my Joints swelling and aching so so badly...... I just want to know what is wrong and be able to at least fix what we can! I have been battling this my whole life but mostly for the last 12 years. 12 years I have been labeled a druggie and told nothing was wrong and oh my pain couldn't be that bad and I must be depressed to have so much wrong with me( you know Psycho-somatic!)I am not depressed nor have I ever been and I do have real symptoms they are not in my Head I do not manifest them and I do not over exaggerate to get attention! If anything I under exaggerated them so people do not know because I hate to be worried about! I just want to be normal and be able to go in the sun and play with my kids! I hate it that I can't just be Normal!!

We are doing great in the new house the kids love it and are enjoying being able to run around and not having to worry about rude mean neighbors or gun fire. It's nice to be out in the woods. It's just hard on the budget to be so far away from Carl's work but its worth it to give our children a better environment to grow up in.
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I am doing ok with missing Sonya. It is still so very hard and I know when it comes October again I will be back in the same place I am in every year. I Just take it one day at a time and enjoy my living children and enjoy the fact that she is in heaven with Jesus and I will see her again someday! If I didn't know that, That was a Fact I would not be able to live life day to day. I praise God everyday for the strength and faith he has given me because if I did not have it I would be a lost person or may not even be here (I know that's bad but it is the truth)I Thank The Lord every day for Carrying me through the most horrible time in my life.

Thank you to all who read this and Pray for us. I have been a sporadic blogger because I just have not had the time and health needed to keep up! I promise I will try harder to keep up. I Love to write here and it helps me a lot!

Pictures Of My Baby's!!

2011-06-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

Pictures Of My Beautiful Baby's!!
Joseph Scott

Collin Alexzander

Bryan Duncan John

Logan Lee

Lexie Lou

Sonya Marie I Will Always Love You

Life

2011-05-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well I am kind of frustrated with my healthcare.............They say something is wrong but can not figure it out Oh you may have this but there is not enough evidence or you may have that but one blood test came back normal! Ugh isn't 12 years enough haven't I lived with this long enough where do I turn now No one will listen or understand me! I lost My hair my skin is scarred and I have pain and warmth in my joints! I just wish wish I could get better.I am So sick of having No Hair! I loved my hair now it is gone and dose not look like its coming back any time soon. I am so so sick of being sick it is really wearing me down. I can't do this anymore I need to Know what is going on! God Why can't They Find Something!!?? Please if anyone reads this Please Pray for my Health to improve, Thank you!

We are doing well in our house every thing is settling nicely please Pray that our finances stay good so we will not have more to worry about. The kids love it here and have fun outside and with friends which is more then I can say where we use to be. We have a creek and woods and and open field (power lines) We see wild life all over and it is so nice.

Lexie will have her MRI sometime in July I am waiting on pins and needles for them to call me already to tell me the date they are suppose to call me sometime this month....Yeah I know There has only been One day in this month but I am just so so anxious to get the results so we know what we are dealing with. Please Pray she will not have a teatherd spine Thank you!

Well I guess that is it, I have been neglecting my blog for sometime and am sorry I just feel so sick and have so much to do it is hard to get on here! I will try to update more often.I Love writing here. May Be Someone Is Listen By Reading..................Maybe

Posting From My Phone

2011-05-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

Well Carl Got me this cool new phone so now I can post from the phone! I have been having fun with it! I can not believe my baby girl is already 4 months old! How time flys! Thats it for now.

2011-04-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

As I sit here rocking my Beautiful Daughter I think of another Little girl and wonder if she would have liked to be rocked, How it would have been to rock her and Look into her sweet face as she gazes up at me and I wonder what color I would see when I met that sweet little gaze? I wonder if I would softly touch her sweet head with my lips as I do now with This Little Girl and If so What color would the soft hair on that little head be??I rock and wonder if she would be calm or fussy? Would she Look Like Me or Her Dad? Would she like to dance with me like the others? What would be Our song the one I sang Just to her as she drifts to sleep in my arms? Would she look up at me a coo and giggle just because I say Hi Laugh or make funny excited faces? Would she have Like to be on her Tummy? What would her first word be? When would she take her First Step?? As I Look At My Sleeping Daughter I imagine what could have been with a daughter I got to spend so little time with And never got to hold in my arms.Sometimes I close my eyes and feel the wight and picture the other little Girl I wanted so badly I imagine what she would look like, how big she would be, and I see her, I do I keep my eyes closed I want it so badly to be real to be real for just one moment to have just a glimps of her sweet face and a whife of her sweet smell. Just One Moment............But then I open them and she is gone and here in my arms is My Beautiful Little Lexie Not a replacement....Oh No...But A New Hope a New Life A Little Piece of Healing for my heart! I cry as I hold her at times because of the pain I feel for not having Sonya but also For the Love and Joy I have to have Lexie Here and Healthy. I Love her so much but She dose not take the pain away she dose not Heal My Broken Heart like People say A New Child Will! I will never be the same I will never Have a Whole Heart again in this life I will never have a Whole Heart until I go home to My Lord and See my Little Sonya. I am just so lost in this life sometimes wondering why I am here and why I had to lose her but I know one day I will know and I will Rejoice as I see her face in Heaven...............That day will not come soon enough but to soon if any one can understand that. I hurt to think of the people I will leave behind but I am excited about that people who will meet me when I go home! I would like to stay in this life for as long as I can to see my children and Grandchildren grow but I know My time will come when it dose and I will be in the glory of the lord and rejoice but until then I will love and live my life for the Lord!
I Love You Sonya Marie................
-

Waiting is So Hard!

2011-03-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

Ugh waiting for Lexie to be old enough for her MRI is So hard! I just want to know if she has a teatherd spine so we can take the next step it is clear to me that there is something wrong with her lower spine it feels lower then it should be and she acts like she is in pain if moved or touched the wrong way and you and visually see the folds in her back that are not suppose to be there. Ugh waiting is just so so hard. I do not know how some people wait there whole life away.
On another Note............We got the dream house!! We have been in it for about a week and it is so nice as I am in it more I see some of the little imperfections but that makes it all the more appling to me because it feels more like a home then a show piece I can breath a little better knowing that I can live in the house and not have to worry about every little thing. I enjoy not having to fear for our safety or being jammed in a way to small apartment anymore! It is nice to look out the window and see dear. I don't like the rusty water that is horrid but we will get that fixed!I enjoy that I can send my boys out to play and not have to worry about if they will be safe or them getting in to trouble!

2011-03-04T02:37:00.001-08:00

Lord How I Miss Her..............................................................................That's all tonight.

Doors

2011-02-18T15:10:00.001-08:00

When Life give you lemons you make lemonade right?? What if you Hate lemonade then what?? I have always wondered that. Thanks to God for what he has given and for his memory's of what he has taken away. We will never be the same after but we will always be better if we stay on the right path for our life. As one door close's this Year a New one Opens for Us At first it was a door of happens then one of pain and loss and now one of new opportunity's...We can chose to Step all the way through to the unknown but seemingly Bright future or We can Close it and stay here in the Dark...........I chose to step through and see where it takes me it may be a rocky walk but I have faith we will be better off when we find out where we are going then if we stay here and wait for things to change when do things ever change when you sit and wait?

Update on Life

2011-02-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

Well it is one month since Lexie has come into this world and I have had the most wonderful time being her Mommy! She is so good and so so Beautiful my life would not be the same with out her. Logan is Adjusting so Amazingly much better then I ever hoped for he Loves Lexie to Pieces! I am still worried and it feels like June will never be here. I just want to know I just want to get the MRI and Know what will happen. Her back is differnt from the boys so that worries me to he feels like she has spine right by her tail bone it is really hard to explan what I mean. I am Praying for the best but perparing for the worst. I love her so much she is such a Joy! I wonder if Sonya would be like Lexie Or Logan or some where between?

We are still living with my mom and will be packing up our house soon to put into storage. I miss my house and having my own space I can not help but feel like a burden on them. We are doing well considering we live 9 people in on tiny apartment.I love my mom but some day's I feel like screaming to be somewhere of my own. We are looking for places now.

I can not believe my Little Girl is 1 month old already! Please Pray For Us We Needed it So much Thank you!

Prayers For Lexie!Thank You All!!

2011-01-19T19:18:00.001-08:00

Lexie Has a Probable Tethered Spine. She had a Ultrasound and it showed her spine is lower then it should be and is not floating like it should so the neurosurgeon said it is more then likely a Thickened/tight filum terminale (a delicate filament near the tailbone). He said it could be nothing and that is what we are hoping for but he is pretty sure she is tethered. We will not know for sure until July when she is old enough to have the MRI with out as many risks. If she has it she will have Surgery some time between 6 to 8 months and will need to spend at least 3 days in the hospital for the simplest surgery (which is the one that the doctor is almost sure it will be if she dose in fact have a tether) and up from there if it is more complected. This is very hard for us, We have been having so much going on making life hard but have pushed through it all so I know we will get through this to. I went to the doctor with my healthy happy little girl and came out not knowing if my baby is ok. She is my Sweet Girl and this is just another thing that proves what a miracle she truly is! We have to watch for signs of spine damaged between now and July but the doctor says we should not see any because she is so small and will not be using her spine to stand or sit but if we do see weakness of one side of her body or her legs bowl or bladder trouble then to get her in right away. The goal is to get her in for surgery if it is tethered before she is mobile enough to damaged her spine but old enough to handle the anesthesia with out as many risks.I am So So Scared right now for her but I have faith that all will be ok but I am So Scared for my Little Girl. There are so many things that could go wrong that could stop working because of this problem and you can not get function back once it is damaged by this. Please Pray for Complete healing I know what pray can do and it would be awesome to go to the MRI and they say nothing is wrong!! Please Pray for Lexie! Thank You!

Here is a site with some info about Tethered Spines:

http://www.neurosurgerytoday.org/what/patient_e/tethered_syndrome.asp

My Little Lexie Needs Your Prayers Please!!

2011-01-18T16:23:00.000-08:00

Lexie is going for her spine Ultrasound and Neurosurgeon Appointment tomorrow. She has a double fold with dimple at the base of her spine. The doctors are not to worried but want to take no chances so she needed to be seen before 2 weeks. She will be 12 days old. I wanted to see the new Devos Children's Hospital maybe take a tour but I did not want to see the inside of it because they think there is something wrong with one of my Baby's!! It is an Amazing Hospital inside and out but I would rather Not have to go there for this but am glad it is here Thank The Lord!! When we need it! So if you could all Pray for her to be just fine I would really be Grateful to you all Thank You! She is so cute Lexie is now 5 pounds 7 ounces. She is doing great other then this problem. She is a little stuffy but all newborns are and the Boys are adjusting to her well even Logan who I thought would be Horrible but he Loves her SO Much! We are so blessed with all we have in this life! There is alot that has been taken from us our home are keepsakes for our daughter Sonya Everything of Vaule we own our trust in people in this world! We have been staying with my mom and are doing pretty well we have not stayed in the house since I have had Lexie because we do not feel safe I spent so so much time preparing our home for our daughter then to have someone destroy it and never get to bring her home to it! Please say some prayers for us we need it Thank You so much I will update on Lexie Tomorrow! Thank You All!!

Well We Need More Prayer Please! So Unreal but this is True! (Hard to believe all this stuff can happen to one Family I know!!)

2011-01-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

Well I come here in Tears and Kind of Heart Broken tonight............................................My Husband Carl Went home today to get a few things and do A few things I asked him to* Sigh*...........When he Got there Our House was Ran Sacked! We Have been Gone for a Day and Some One Kicked in our Back Door and Tore Through Our House!! I Spent So Much time getting things ready for our Daughter to Come Home and Now it is ruined and We will Not go Back to our little House we spent so Much time Prepare for Lexie! We Have No Home that is Safe enough to Bring our Kids to we will not spend another night there...............................Some One Came Through Our House and tore things out of place and Knocked over My Chine Cabinet that Carl got Me for my Birthday With all My passed away Daughters stuff in to and destroyed My Daughters thing, Things I can Never replace. My Wedding Stuff was all Smashed to, Thank God Some of it was Saved! One Little Glass Angel Held Up that 200 pound hutch and Saved Some of My daughters things!! Saved My Little Lexie's swing from being Crushed under the wight of the thing. Mom and Carl said the swing seems to be undamaged! Thank You Lord! They went through my Laundry and Went through my room and My Boys room and Tipped over there beds and tossed their Stuff all Over. They tossed My filing cabinet stuff everywhere and and they went in My room and Flipped My bed and took my top dresser Drawer out and tossed it on my bed! They even took things from My daughters Bed the one I worked so Hard to Put together the one I took Care and Put love into for her to come home to the one that now has to be broke down and Moved to where ever we end up and tossed them all over My my bed. Everything that was important to me has ran sacked!! Why I do not Know. The Police were called they found foot Prints and they May have caught someone I hope!! I am so Lost right Now. I am over Joyed at the Birth of My Daughter but Crushed at the Loss of My Home and My daughters things that I can not get back and The Loss of My New Daughters Home that she will never come to that I prepared for her that I put My Love into. I am Just taking it one step at a time. I have Faith that God Dose Not give us Challenges we Can not Handle. I know I will learn something from this and I know it will Not Rock My Faith!! I Believe In The Lord and That things Happen for A Reason and I will someday Know the reason for it all!! I Know this is the enemy trying to tare me Down Trying to Steal My Faith Trying to Rock My World so I will Crumble But I will Not be Broken I will Not Lose Faith!! Please Pray for Us We Need it Very Bad! We Are Hurting We Have No Home To Take Our Daughter to We have to explain to Our Son's Why they can not go Home. We Need Prayer for Strength and Guidance. Also to find A New Home So we are Not displaced for to long. We Have No Money No Home and Do Not know where to Start on this New Journey! I feel Lost in the Dark But I see the Light and Will Move toward it!! Thank You to All Of You Who Care and Love Us!! We Need your Love your Support your Prayer and Your Kindness!! I do Not Know where we are going from here but I do Know that there is No Place to Go From Here But Up and Out of the Darkness!! Please Pray For My Family And I. Thank You!!

Prayers For My Daughter Please!? Thank You All!!

2011-01-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

Prayer Request Please!! Lexie Has to see Dr.Woods (Ped) who will refer us to a Nero-Surgeon when we go Home Because.............*Sigh* Where her back of her spine meet the tail Bone she has an extra Fold of skin and a "dimple" which could be hooked to her spine there like "Mild" Spinenabifada (Sp??) She moves her Legs well so They are Hopeful it is nothing. Bryan also had something Like this and it turned out to be almost something but nothing!! So we are Hoping for the same thing in Lexie's Case!!She May need a Ultrasound or MRI or X-ray of her back! Wow like I said before Every Good thing that happens to me there is some bad I can never Just Enjoy My Joy!! I am Not going to let this get me down Though! I am Holding My Little Miracle as we speak and Sucking up all the Love she Has!!I know we can get through anything with God! I Have Seen The Power Of Pray! It can Move Mountains and Change all Things!! I Have Faith That God Will Protect and Heal Her!! Praise God For All He Has Done For Us and Praise God For All He Will Do!! Just Please Pray For Her!! Thank You!!

Lexie Lou Is Here!!

2011-01-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

Baby's Name:Lexie Lou
Date of Birth:1.7.2011
Original Due Date:1.26.2011
Weeks Pregnant:37Weeks 2Days
Weight: 5 pounds 15.1 ounces

Height:18 1/2 inches

Tuesday I went to the Peri to get an Amino then to the Gynourologest for a look in my bladder. The Amino was to check her Lungs because we needed to know what we were dealing with when I had my C-section on Friday(so they could have the NICU team in Place and ready if needed) Because she was coming ready or not! So we had the Amino and Like an hour and a half later the Peri called me to tell me Lexie's Lungs looked great!! So everything was set!!

I was admitted on Thursday at 1pm for observation because I have had low platelets and may need some and I was an hour away so they didn't want it to snow bad and me have to rush in the dark through a blizzard!! Thank goodness we did come in early because it started to snow hard! So I got settled in and they drew blood and my platelets were Lower then ever so they had to give me some.

I got my IV in and got fluid and such and hunkered down for the night of waiting! Doctors came in talked me through every thing and I signed all the forms I needed to.

They gave me a sleeping pill I slept until 6am (so Like 2 hours lol) and then they came to in to talk and do vitals and prep me for the trip down to the main OR (not the special OB one) Because I had the Peri, The GynoUrologest, he GynoOncologest, about 7 Ob residents, 15 ob Nurses, 2 regular OR Nurses, 2 baby Nurses and the anesthesiologist, and a few other people all because I had Placenta Acretta Possible Percerta!

So all these people stood in the corner talking amongst them self's before coming over and talking to me it was crazy all the other people in the waiting area were looking at me like a freak lol.

So they talked and then the Anesthesiologist came to talk to me He told me that he would like to do a general and that meant Carl could not be there to see the birth of our daughter they told him and the rest of my family they would have to wait in the OR Waiting but there were not enough seats so they where split into two waiting rooms. Carl was waiting with me as He explained why he didn't want to do the spinal on me. He said My platelet issue was bad enough that I could bleed into the spinal area and it May Not stop and could do horrible nero and spinal damage also he was worried about if they had to do the hyst,bladder repair and so forth it could be a bad choice to have to hurry put me to sleep and cause damage by int-abating so quickly.

So it was settled I was going under general so the Peri came over and told me they were calling NICU down because Lexie would be effected by the general and would have to be quickly taken to be assitst and may need help Breathing.

They took me back I gave Carl One Last Kiss and I was in the OR. The Peri Also told me I would be Prepped and Cathed before going out so we had the least amount of time with Lexie effected By the Med's. So Ouch cath went in propped on my side scrubbed draped and all the fun stuff. All we were Waiting for was the Nicu Team to be in Place. As soon as they were set The anesthesiologist put the Ox mask on me and told me to take some deep breaths I felt the meds go in the IV it felt like Fire and I was out!!

2 Hours Later I woke up in recovery I guess I was asking about Lexie Before I was even awake! They said she was fine and was on the sixth floor in special care and that my Husband was up with her they told me I would be filled in about her birth when her nurse came back down with news.

So I waited and the Team came in and talked me me about what happened in Surgery. I had a vertical incision both uterine and abdominal that went from my pubic bone almost to my sternum( I have not seen it yet). I did not have to have the Hysterectomy( but will need it in about 6 months when it heal and is normal size) they did not want to do it if they didn't have to it is very risky when it is so big! But I did have my Tubes tide until the hyst. They had to do a little pulling apart the placenta from my bladder and uterus and had to remove a lot of scar tissue and off both. It went better then ever expected.

So then I had to wait to get meds and they did this weird new hip block thing to kind of easy the pain since I did not have the spinal. It was nice to feel my Legs right Away But Hurt So Bad Ouch!

So Finely the baby Nurse Came down and Told me how delivery went! Lexie was born at 10:23 am and was 5 pounds 15.1 ounces and 18 1/2 inches long(pretty shocking since she was estimated to be 7 pounds by Birth Last Week!). Lexie Head Down On Tuesday but some time before Friday she decided to flip much to everyone's surprise and came out Breech!!

When she was born she was not Crying and had agpar of 6 it took them giving her mask ox to get her going and pink her up and then it was 9 she went to the special care nursery on 6 well I was in recovery and Carl was up with her but could not Hold or feed her yet due to some privacy issue the hospital has you can not go in the special care nursery when there are other baby's in there. So The Nurse feed her She had a good Latch and is a good eater!! Carl was up taking pictures but could not hold her.

At 2:30 Pm (4 hours after her Birth) They brought Carl down to me and he told me how small she was and How Beautiful she was about her Bath and her feeding and that he hadn't gotten to hold her and None of the family Had gotten to see her yet (Her Four Brothers, Two Papa's,Three Grand Ma's and 2 Of my Cousins!)

The baby Nurse went to to get her out of the special care nursery on 6 to go down to the normal baby one on 5th the floor we would be staying on. Then she came back down and told us they moved her and we were just waiting for transport to come and get me! Finely almost ready so it took them forever to come down and get me and take me on our way the family was gathered around the window looking at her but I didn't get to talk to any of them before going to the room I didn't get to peek at her either.

They got me all settled in and sent Carl to get the Baby! I was the first to hold her I heard the family coming down the hall and told Carl to Hold them At Bay until I get to have her to myself for a little bit. I held My Tiny Daughter in My Arms and Cried.

This Tiny Miracle was never suppose to be born! This Tiny Little Girl In My Arms came as a total surprise I found out the day I went for my for my hysterectomy consult(Talk About Divine Intervention!!) surprise surprise they told me to terminate that she would never survive! I had 5 huge Bleeds each time with them saying she would not live to see another day each time embarrassed because they were wrong!

2 Hospital Stay that I would never Leave from with out a Preemie Or Still Birth. I was Not suppose to be able to have another Child, I was Not suppose to make it to 37 weeks, I was not suppose to keep my Uterus, I was Told I may Not Come Out Of This Pregnancy with My Life Let alone My Daughters. They told my Husband to get ready to chose who to Save it it came Down to one or the Other.

This Tiny little Girl and I Beat The Odds! All the Prayers Worked and I would like to Thank All Who have Prayed for Us! So I held My Miracal in My Arms and Let the Family Come and Meet her First Her Brothers: My 2 year Old I Thought would Dislike her and not want anything to do with her was first he Welcomed Her with Open Arms! He wanted to Hold Her right Away! He Kissed Her are Protected Her from his Brother Jumping on the Bed! Then my Other 3 then Grandma's and Grandpa's We all passed her around and Shared in Our Miracle In the Blessing That Is Lexie In the Baby That was Not Suppose to Be.

One Week!!

2010-12-31T14:26:00.000-08:00

One Week and I will have a New Little Love in my Life one Week and we will welcome Our daughter into our home!!

Thoughts

2010-11-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have been sick for about 3 weeks and it has sucked! I hate it I can not eat very much and I am tired all the time! My boys are rembuckshis to say the lest they are hyper and Happy and Loving and a Handful! They Are Boys. They have been pretty good as I am sick but I can not help being a little annoyed because I am sick. I Love Them so much that is is very hard to stay mad that them very long!

We have been having alot of shootings in our area lately so that means we have been staying inside more and that means limited things they can do! So I have a very loud loud house I am sure any one who walks past double takes by all the noise coming from this little house!! 4 boys is a lot to handle more so when you are on bedrest and your Husband works all the time!! Fun Fun!! I would be very sad if I did not have my noisy boy filled life! I do not know where I would be with out them in my life. My biggest fear is Losing any of them. They are my World and I wish people could see and understand this. Understand I would do anything for their happiness. Why can't people see they are my world every thing I do is for them. I go no where I do nothing with out them. I do not party I do not go out for dates with my Husband I do not go shopping I do not take time for my self I can barley read a book or be on the computer with out my Logan telling me to stop!I have Now spent the whole day search for our lost Hamster found her caught her Lost her and the search is on again But I do it for them because I love them.

I am having a baby Wow I am still Blown away by this statement!! I am Having a baby yeah I am. She will be here in 5 weeks I will leave the Hospital with a little Girl in my arms! It is so surreal. I love her already but how will she fit where will she go in this world of Beautiful Wild and Crazy Boys. How will I handle a Girl?? I will mange I am a Girl After all and The Lord with Not give me More then I can take Right??............Right so day by day that's how it will go.

Our Prayers were answered for a car Thank You to all who Prayed! We go a 1994 Dodge Ram 2500 Van!! 8 Passenger and runs very nice for they age! Carl's dad bought it for us for Christmas and said we deserve it. I thought that was so Nice he doesn't do much for us so this Was a Shock! We are very Thankful and Blessed!!!

I realize this it an 8 passenger Van and it makes me kind of sad because we would have had the room in it for our Whole Family and it Makes Me Miss Sonya Marie! I wish she was here with us but know she is happy and healthy where she is!!

Please Keep Praying For Us Thank You!!

Normal

2010-11-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

I want to be normal and make every one happy I want to be a person that can conform into what people want of me I really do. It hurts to be Judged when you are only trying to do your best even if you know that best is not good Enough even in your mind were it is all or none prefect or Nothing. I like the person I am but try to change to fit what people think I should. I have asked even begged God to help me be Normal so I can have people who love me and want to be around me.

I say God Please Help me to be at better person knowing that every one else thinks badly of me even if I do not feel the same I would rather have the people I love Happy then make them miserably. I try hard to conform to every ones expectations for who I should be. I really really want to do what is best for my family. I want every one to love each other and be there for each other. I want to be the Mom I am and have no one tell me how horrible I am. I just want to be normal so so bad just so I could spend time with my sisters again I Miss them like crazy.I never hear any thing good about me from any one I sit here day in and day out with no one to really call a friend any more besides my Mom.

I cry all the time because all I want to be is Normal so they will Love me and want to be around me. I need them I Miss them.I am different always have been but I love my kids and would do anything for them. I am so scared of doing anything other proceed as wrong because of the talking behind my back. I just cry out to God Why?? The one thing in this life I want is to be able to have Good friends that I do not annoying. I can not be perfect but I try I really really do. I call out to God Please Make Me Normal.All I want is for every one to be happy. I am Not Perfect and Not Normal. My kids come first to me they are who I get up for every day and I will try my best to teach and Love them.

a>

A Bath

2010-11-15T06:25:00.001-08:00

Ahhhhhhhhhh Just got the boys to go to bed I put the baby down and everything is set.............For me to take a nice warm bubble bath by myself for the first time in I don't know how long A Bath WoooHooo right?...........Wrong I get my water drawn and have tons of bubbles in there and I grab my mp3 player get in put on my headphones and lean back and close my eyes it feels so so nice!

Eyes still closed I hear a creek of the door opening my mind races oh no please don't tell me!? I keep my eyes shut at first trying to wish it away but then I hear the first plop splash oh a duck I bet then the next maybe a Ball? Eyes still closed and I feel splash's and plops from other toys and things coming into my Bath time My Bath Time!! Finley I open my eyes and see the beautiful Bright Brown eyes of my 2 year old Son. Hi Mama!! I say Hi Sweety want in? He takes of this diaper and excitedly climbs in to My Bath and proceeds to play and wash himself brush his teeth blissfully unaware that he has interrupted mommy only bath only in month. I lean forward and kiss him softly and said I love you Logie he smiles and laughs and scoops some bubbles in is little cupped had and blows them at me. I forget that I was suppose to get me time I forget to be made at his brothers for waking him I forget everything in the world it is just me and my little boy playing in the tub! Lexie try's to get in on the tub time fun by kicking her brother but he never notices! We splash and play with his duckies and smile...........Oh how I love his little Brown Eye Smile!To think we will not have many moments for just him and I after Lexie comes. She will take a lot of my time leaving him to wonder if he will ever have his mommy.

So a interrupted bath is not so bad when I get to hang out with the coolest little Dude I know! His smile melts me and when I have to be with out him my heart breaks. Really it dose I hate to have him leave me for more then an hour! So when he was ready he grabbed my hand and said out now and I said your done and he said yes. So I get out rap him in a soft blue towel all snugly and warm I get dressed and we lay on the couch and watch Sponge Bob He..............He looks at Me with those Big Brow Eyes Pats My Shoulder and Says..............Mama Mama Love Mama M Happy............Priceless. I Love Him!

Boys

2010-11-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

As I sit here and watch my Boys jump off the couch on to each others heads and laugh and scream the whole time I wonder how a girl is going to fit into this crazy mix?? LOL I laugh so hard watching them wrestle and would not have it any other way but how is a girl going to handle all the rough play or how are the boys going to handle no playing so rough with her.AHHHHHHHHH I Joys of Boys! How I Love Them So!!

Replaced

2010-11-09T08:54:00.000-08:00

Ugh my Poor 2 year old little guy dose not know what will hit him when we have the baby. I try to tell him and he Just dose not get it! How can you Prepare a 2 year old for a new baby?? He is My Sweet Sweet Baby! I do not want him to feel replaced.

It is so hard for me to feel like I am not replacing someone else already. I can not count the times I have cried and prayed over the feelings of replacing My daughter with a new one. I know I know I am not and I never will but How can I Not Feel like it?? How can you lose some one you love so much and not feel like you are replacing them with a new person you love SO Much??!! I is hard very very hard internal fight with my self everyday to feel Joy and not Pain. I still feel like I am not having a baby I still feel like this isn't real I will not go to the Hospital and walk out with a New Daughter. She kicks and I hear and see her on U/S but she is still so far Still so unreal to me. I can Hardly bring myself to buy her things. I never thought I would have a daughter after Sonya so it is so so hard not to feel like I am betraying her replacing her in some way. I know not all will understand but I know in My Heart there are people out there who understand and think the way I do. I struggle so much with this and all the sickness it is really really Hard to ever be happy or just enjoy My Little Lexie. I am so lost at this point as to what I should do about it all. I don't Know I just Don't Know. I Guess that's it, That's all I have to say right now. If you read this Pray for me to find a place that I need to Be. Thank You.

Sick

2010-11-05T22:00:00.001-07:00

Ugh I have been sick all week!! I have some kind of stomach thing and it is annoying I have hardly eaten and Lexie has been so Feisty lately and has been upsetting my tummy even more!

Our Van got repo'd today because we owed 200 dollars!! Two hundred dollars that we were going to pay today but now we will have to pay closer to nine to get it back so we said forget it! Ugh like we needed this having to go so far away for the OB and all but we will get by we always do! God Provides!

I have my C-section date it will be on Jan 7th at 9:30 the Ob, Ob urologist and Ob oncologist will all be there just in case they have to dictate some of my bladder because of the Pecreata. Please Keep Lexie and I in your Prayers I may have to go under general and then go to ICU so will not get to see her for some time. It is going to be a tough road and I hope to make it safely to the end but you never know what will happen!!

The kids had a good Halloween Lots of candy and fun!

Please Pray that things will get better for us. We have alot to deal with and so little time till Christmas and Lexie come with no money for either. I am Sure God will Provide but it is still hard!! Thank You ALL

Things are Ok

2010-10-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

Lexie Lou Loss 10 .28.2010 You may be able to tell she was crying see her little lower lip? She was upset by the prob in her face!! My Poor Baby! The Tech even said she was crying. 27 Weeks 1 Day. I got to see her in real time and it was so sad!

Well everything Looked ok. Lexie is Growing great just a bit under average
but most baby's with the problems I have have really slow growth so we
are so happy she is a whopping 2lb 1oz at this time (27 weeks 1 Day). We
are shooting for 36 weeks So in the last week of December she will be
born but OB dose not think we w...ill make it past 34 weeks. I Will have to have a hysterectomy and may need some bladder removed we wont know until the time of the Surgery. Right now everything is good so I am hopeful!! Thank you all for your Prayers they are much wanted and Needed!!She is scheduling it for a day when the best oncology, ob and urology surgeons are there. I am hoping to have her the week after Christmas but if they are all on leave at that time it will b the week before.

She is so cute and looks so much like her Daddy I can not wait to hold her in my arms. I am so Blessed to have so many wonderful Children!! I could not ask for more! I can not wait until this little one joins us and makes are family whole! I miss my Sweet Sonya so much and there is always going to be that place that not even Lexie can fill in my heart but I know God has a Plan for me and I will see one day way she was taken from me and I Rejoice in the fact of knowing I will one day see her again and get to spend eternity with her in my arms!! Some days as I feel Lexie move it is hard not to be sad that I never got this much time with her sister! Would Sonya have liked to lie low would she have kicked me in the most annoying places?? I will never know but I know the I cherish every minute I have with my children I thank God all the time for trusting me with these little souls!!

Thank You God For All You Have Given Me!! I Can Not Wait To See Whats In Store For Us Next!!

27 Weeks!!

2010-10-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

27 Weeks Pregnant With Lexie Lou today! Wow how time really fly's I can not believe that I am so far along it seems like yesterday I thought it would be Forever until I reached this point!! I can not believe I am having a Girl it is so surreal still. I am so scared and not at all ready for whats to come. This Pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs, Scares and Prayers and now it will soon come to a dramatic close, I can not wait to see what God has in store for me next and what this chapter of my life will teach me. I have Faith everything is going to be ok! Please continue is Pray for us as we get closer to welcoming our new daugther in to this world it should be a day of joy and of sorrow memory's will flood back from the day I had Sonya and feelings of loss will come with them feelings of what might have been. Thank You!!

Happy Birthday!

2010-10-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th Birthday My Sweet Sonya Marie! How I miss you so! It never gets easier and I can not believe it has been for whole years since my life was changed for ever. Since my safe world was shadderd and my heart was torn apart. I will have a hole in my life that will never close no matter what I do! I have God to Thank that I am still here and could get through the most horrible time in my life! I have god to Thank for Logan and soon for letting me have my Little Lexie in my arms. I have God to thank for the time I got with Sonya inside me. I Love You MY Sweet Sweet Girl and can not wait to Hold You In Heaven. Words can not say how much I Miss You!

Sonya you have my soul
Sonya you have my Heart
The day you left this earth
you tore my world apart
Sonya I know you fate
and at some later date
we well meet again
and we will begin
Our whole life again!

Mommy Love's You!

Heaven is A Face

2010-10-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

Sonya I Miss and Love You Lexie I can't Wait to Meet You and Praise God for You This is for You Both!

2010-10-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in the hospital I miss my family and I miss holding my Logie! I just wish I was more certen about where we where going from here. It is hard to think of going home only to come back over and over again.My whole body hurts I just feel blah and think this is the best place for me to be right now. I hope they make the right choice and not only what is easiest!

We are at a hard time in our life we are behind in everything and I do not know if I will have lights or gas when I get home because we had no money to pay for them Hell we have no money to pay for our Home even our van is behind a payment no money for baby stuff we are just in need of help and have no one to com to our aid! Then we have to think about Christmas and all the money that will go into that and it is hard not to be very over whelmed more over whelmed then I have ever been and at the worst time! Please Lord just Help See Us Through This Please We Need You To Carry us!
I hate to feel like I am whining but I am just so scared about it all I want to cry all the time ans don't know what to do? I am so lonely! My Family can not come a visit me during the week because we do not have the money for gas so I am stuck here all week with out seeing any of them! I talk to them on the phone from time to time but I want to hold and kiss my baby's!! Why dose everything have to be so hard? I know there is a reason for all this and I will someday know it but It is just So hard when you are in the midst of it all to see.

I feel Lexie move inside me and feel such Joy I Love her so much and am so happy to have her. I was not prepared for her or any of the sickness and hard time that came with her but would not trade her for the world!I can not wait to hold this little girl in my arms and praise God for her! It is Just getting there that is the Hard Part Please Pray for Me That things get a little easier and that We find away to pay our Bills Thank you to who ever reads this and takes the time to Pray for Us!

Hospital Stay

2010-10-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

I am in the Hospital and have been here since Sunday this is the second time in a week I have ended up here. I came in on Wednesday the 23rd and was here until Sunday the 26th and now here I sit again and will probable stay here for the next 10 weeks. They keep going back and forth about what to do and it is driving me kind of crazy I wish they would just make up their minds it is hard for my family for me to come in and out and I think even though I am away from my Children and it stinks that I should just stay so they do not keep getting traumatized by Mommy coming home and leaving over and over again!I was here for The Walk To Remember and to for Sonya's reburial and that hit me really hard I really wanted to be there with my Family! I miss my Family so so much and hate being so far away. I am happy to be here though and getting the care for My Daughter and I. I just want to stay I am so scared to go home and have something happen and not get here on time I have so so many things wrong!

Here is what I wrote on A Birth Board about my Problems:
I have Placenat Accrea (sp?)that is slowly starting to show signs of precerta(sp) and looks like it may grow in to my bladder if it already hasn't.I have C-Section scar dishisons that separated a bit at around 14 weeks but as of now hasn't got worse also uterus is so thin the can not measure it and it looks like there is nothing there in MRI and U/S. I also have blood in my urine and stool and I have an autoimmune disorder and diverticulitis and cilecas(sp?).I have to have a hysterectomy at the birth so they have to make sure I am close just in case something gos wrong since I have low platelets and Iron.Throw in my dislocating and swelling joints and I have loads of fun! I feel like I am falling apart.Ugh I don't care about the scar that the classic C will leave but do do worry about it going from pubic bone to almost breast because the uterus is so big they have to cut high! I am worried about recovery time and having to go to the ICU for a couple days to a week and get a bunch of blood transfusions.Then having to deal with never having children again. Oh Joy This should be fun but as long as Lexie is safe and Healthy it is so so worth it all! I don't care what I have to go through as long as Lexie stays in there as long as she can! I wasn't even suppose to be in the Hospital full time until I was 32 weeks but new is was a possibility after 24 so here we are 2 days from being 24!! I am happy I am in here since I live so far away I would have been scared that I wouldn't get here in time. I may do the "sleepover" Idea that sounds good I am sure he will love me as much as he dose now I am just scared he will think I don't Love him! Thank you all for taking the time to read this!

So as you can see there is a lot going on to be worried about. I dont know why they would even think of sending me home at this point I am going to be 24 weeks tomorrow and we have already planned on me coming and staying here soon because of the risk of being so far away. I am at a loss for how to explane to them my reasoning for wanting to stay. I am just really scared at this point and think it is the best place for me.

Please I Need Prayers Now more then ever. Here is what for:
Please Pray they make the right choice for me and keep me here.
Please Pray that my family makes the adjustment well and this all dose not distured and trumazie their lifes to much.
Please Pray for Our Fianances we are really tight and it takes a lot of money to drive out here we are backed up on all our bills and my husband dose not make enough to keep up!
Please Pray my Mom will get my disablity aproved because it will really help with the finances.
Please Pray my Mom and Husband adjust well with me being away and take care of the boys the way I would.
Please Pray that the Boys Adjust well to this all and do not become to sad.
Please Pray that I do not get to Lonely and keep my Faith through this whole thing!
Please Pray That Lexie and I stay safe and well taken Care of.

Thank You.
I believe that God will let whats best happen and not give me more then I can handle! I believe he has a plan for me and I am just waiting for it to unfold before me. I Love The Lord with all My Heart and Soul!I could not get through My days with out my Faith in Him. He is The reason I am the Person I am today. I Thank Him everyday for the Life and Family He has given me! I Thank Him everyday for The time I had with Sonya and The time I have with The Boys and Lexie! I Love You Lord.

While I guess this is long enough. Please if any One really reads this Pray for me. Thank You and God Bless. I hope everyone is having A Great Day!!

Sonya Reburial Service Oct 3rd 2011

2010-10-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well Sonya Marie was Reburied in a Service at 2pm on Sunday October 3rd 2010. I could not attended because I am in the hospital so Lexie and I can be monitored more closely. My Husband,Mother and Step-dad took my oldest and youngest with them and brought me back pictures. It was Beautiful. I am tore up and Heart Broken from not being able to go. I really wanted to be there and It is Hard So Hard! I Miss Her So Much! I love and think about her every and not a day gos by she is not on my mind. Life is just so unfair at times but God has a plan and someday I will know what his plan for us is and I will see clearly why every thing happened that way it did and understand! I have a hard time with October it is the month my life changed for ever the month that the worst thing I ever had happen did the one thing I would never think would happen to me. Never say never you just don't know what could happen in this life. I Miss You My Sonya Marie!

Reburied

2010-10-01T10:55:00.001-07:00

Went to PT and Got the Shock of My Life!!I was Looking out the widow and noticed they were building a new garden and I said Oh I never Knew this was back here? The PT said it wasn't they just built it are Moving the Memorial from General to Hackley. I said WHAT?????? Are they moving the baby's to??She said I don't know so I hurried to the Chapel and found the minister that had Helped me through the Loss of Sonya and she said they are Moving My Baby!! I was frantic because I was not sent anything and she said she had tried but it came back but that is is ok because they are not moving the baby's until Sunday so I had not missed her Reburial!Thank God that I just so happened to be there today or I would have never knew! This is going to be hard Real hard for me Please Pray I can get through this all. October was already a Hard month now it is going to be Harder Carl is really upset that they are moving her and disturbing her resting place and just want to take her home. I am having a hard time with this because it is going to be like losing her all over again.I am so over whelmed by this. I wanted her so badly and then had to lose her and Buried her once and now I have to do it all over again.Why dose life have to be so hard and throw me curve balls like this when I am already scared and under so much stress? Please just Pray that this wont be as hard as it feels it will be. I miss her so much and think about her everyday. When I get something for Lexie I think is this what I would have got for Sonya? When she is Born I will think would Sonya have been this big would Sonya have looked like her? I Miss Her so so very much I can not believe I have to relive this all.

In The Hospital

2010-09-25T03:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a lot of pain on Thursday and feeling super sick all of the sudden I felt fine Wednesday. So I went to my u/s Thursday and told my dr and because I have so much going on with my c-section scar and placenta that they wanted to make sure I was ok. Every time Lexie moves I feel stabbing pain where my scar is and my back is killing me.I really don't know what to think it may be. I feel so bad. I have an IV.

I Had another MRI on Friday night and every thing was the same. I had one Tuesday and the scar and acreda(sp?) looked the same no better no worse so that is good. Lexie was moving her arms and Legs and was eating her hand and yawing on ultrasound! They couldn't get a 3d picture because she had he face smushed against me!! We will try again next u/s. she didn't flip she is still in the same place she has been in for all the u/s! I love her so much!

Oh and last time we got to find out what she was but they forgot to print them for me so when I went I asked if they saved them and luckily they still have them on the u/s machine so they are going to put them on my disk for me before I go home!!So I am happy about that.

I am tired because they gave me fenergan(sp). They did a bunch of tests and everything came back fine. I was dehydrated so they had a hard time putting in the IV and blew a vain.

I was suppose to go home Friday but do not know why they kept me longer maybe because my MRI was so late at night? I have only eaten twice the whole time I have been here because they were worried I might need surgery.

I am hoping to go home this morning I guess we will see. I feel so sick and miss my kids like crazy. I am in the hospital 100 miles away from home so I have not got to see them since I came in!

This is only the first of more then likely many times I will have to come here. If I make it to 32 weeks I will be admitted until I deliver. Thank you all for your prayers please keep praying for me and Lexie and that they will find out whats wrong before I go home. I really do not want to go home only to have to deal with this all again!! Thank You All!

Update

2010-09-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

Wow what can I say a lot has gone on since the last time I sat down and wrote...............I have been diagnosed with A autoimmune diese and my hair fell out so badly I had to shave it off and it is still not growing back right.As soon as I got on meds and started to feel better I found out I am pregnant and started bleeding really bad in the 12th week we thought we had lost this baby and any hope of ever having another until they did a ultrasound and the baby was there and fine. I am so scared because now we have more problems they have suspected that I have had a low laying placenta that planted over my c-section scar for some time and but have just confirmed it by ultrasound after telling me it wasn't last ultrasounds but it is and it looks like it is growing through and that my scar is coming open and the wall is so thin there is no wall noticed. Nice right! When can I have a break not be sick not have a million things going on all at once? It must all happen for a reason there must be something I am suppose to learn and gain from all of this. To have faith may be to become closer to God? I will get through and I will make it I WILL! I have Faith that God will be by my side through this all and Carry me when needed. I have no idea why I have so much faith in someone you can't even see but I do and I see him every time I see my Baby's. I Love Him and can not wait to one day be in His light!I may not memorize Scripture I may not know the bible in and out but I love my Lord and try to serve him the best I can. Really I am. It is so hard sometimes to be a person who hides emotion because no one really knows what is going on in my life how hard it really is for me. I wish they could see sometimes that I get hurt to that I have feelings and need them to understand I am scared and feel so alone sometimes. No one knows how much they hurt me with there words.I am very very sensitive. But I am a person who dose not like conflict and will do anything to avoid it even if that means letting things go that tare me up inside.I just am so so scared right now I want my life but I want my baby I want more baby's really I do I would never stop if I could afford and take care of them but to much risk to sick and just not enough of me for more even if it were possible. I will lose my uterus and that is hard God is saying it is time to stop and I am more then ready to listen but it is still very hard and sad.

We found out we are having a girl Here name is Lexie Lou. If I make it to 32 weeks I will be hospitalized for the rest of my pregnancy. Please pray for us. I have to get MRI's and Iron Infusions once a month and go to the doctor every other week. We have to go to GR for all of this and it is about 70 miles from our home so all the gas is really hurting us. Thank you all.

2010-04-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

2010-04-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

Not a day go's by that I don't think of her and wish I would have got to touch her smell her hug her kiss her See her Just one time! God I love and trust you with all my heart but that doesn't mean I understand you or your ways! I trust that you do what is right so I do not have to understand but it is hard!

Oh I just want to hold her little hand while we hunt for eggs sit her on my other knee at Easter dinner as we enjoy our family. Every day is a reminder that she is not here with me. I know she is in a place with no pain and happy as can be but I still miss her so much I would do any thing to have her here with us. To think she would have been just turning 3 she would be able to understand why Easter was so special to us all. She would have been in a pretty Easter dress. I love her with every fiber of my being I really do!

I am so sick of trying to be a good person and then being hurt by the people I love!I will continue to be the same person though I will not bring up that I know any of the things they have said about me what good would it do? I mean really what good would it do?Would it make my life any better to bring it all up?No not at all. I will suffer in silence thinking of how people really see me and wondering why they would feel this why about me? What did I do so so bad to deserve My own family to talk like this about me?

No one knows the real me. No one knows the person I have become since the loss of my daughter. How hard doing day to day stuff is in this new life.Once you lost some one nothing is the same it is like the world changes around you. Every little thing could mean another loss every min of every day has to be remembered and loved for what it is. Every day brings Joy and Hope but also So much grief and lost feelings to. I am a nautrule worrier I have always worried about everything but since I met my Husband I have worried less I became a new person.Then with the loss of our daughter all the worry came back and I felt stuck in the same old rut. Now I worry about alot about losing my kids my health my marrige keeping our house every thing!I am happy most of the time but hold a deep sadness deep in me that no one can ever touch. I blame everything on myself all the time. I don't know why I just don't feel good enough I guess.

I see my boys and Thank God for all I have I watch them run and play and the joy over flows my heart.I then think Sonya could be out there with them her Hair blowing in the breeze as she runs to keep up with her brothers. She could be smiling laughing and playing. Then my heart gets heavy the pain is almost unbearable!Then I think she is smiling running and playing she is in the breeze with her hair blowing she is signing and dancing laughing as skipping she is doing all the things I dream of her doing here but she is doing them in a place of love a place with no tears and no pain a place where she is surrounded by only beauty never the ugly things of this world. She may have never been able to run or sing in this world if she were here but she is there she is healed and whole she will never have to watch the horriers of this world like all of us or feel the pain of losing someone. She will be waiting for us but not know that she is. She dose not miss us or yearn for us like we do her. She will see us when we come and know she loves us and know who we are but never notice we were ever apart she will not know the reason I cry as she tucks herself into my arms I have out spread waiting for her. I can not wait to see her to feel her touch her kiss her. I wish I just had one chance to be with my little girl in this world but I know I will have so much time in the next it will make up for this a thousand times over. I wait for my turn to take those steps into heaven I am not scared to die I am not ready to either but when it is my time I will go willingly knowing that My Sweet Sonya is there waiting. I love you MY Sweet Little Baby!!

2010-03-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Well Sonya's due date came and went now and its the thrid one I have had to go through the memorys of all the hopes and dreams for her come flooding back swimming in my mind. Grasping to hang on to the hopes and dreams I reach for them the claw but can never get close enogh to stop them from leaving me its always to late there is never enough time I never get enough time.........In the fog of a half dazed thoughts of sleep I awaken with a joilt! Then I know I had stopped breathing again held my breath to hold on to the memorys to the dreams to every thing I wanted for her. My eyes hurt my body shakes Im awake or am I really?Is this just one big nightmare I am yet to wake from? Then my eyes focus and I know I am awake this isnt a nightmare it is my reality My life My world. The pain I have is still so so deep it has not gotten any better with time as people say it has not gotten any better with a new baby it has not gotten any better with keeping myself busy Yes I may have times when I feel to be almost normal like I can really be ok like my heart isn't dieing everyday with out My Sweet Sonya but then when I'm alone It all comes back and its harder then ever. Please don't tell me I am depressed and I need to seek pro help. I am not depressed I am very happy with most other parts of my life. I enjoy life I love my Family. I just use this place to vent my pain and heartache! I Miss her so so Much. God Why? Why My Girl? I will more then likely never have another child let alone another daughter as of now she is my one and only.I would have a 3 year old right now I would have been picking up from he super party right now.

2010-03-10T05:39:00.000-08:00

Well its March. March the month of hopes and dreams March the month my Daughter would have came the month she would be 3. I miss her so Much I Miss My Sonya Marie with all my heart and soul. God I know you have a plan for us but its hard really really hard.To live day to day with out her here with me. To not see my dreams for her come true is like getting my heart ripped out and stomped on every day.

Now my Baby My little Max (puppy) may be very sick and I know he is a dog I know it is not the same but I still love him he is still my baby. He is a piece of my heart and means a lot to me. He may have kidney disease or something wrong with his liver we are hoping against all hope that all he needs is a food change and he will be fine.The food is expensive and we will have to tighten our budget to make do but will do it for him. I don't have the money to fight for him I would have to sale stuff or get a loan. I would in a heartbeat sell everything I own for him. I do everything right and this has to happen. I take him to the vet and get him his shots I feed him good food and love him I brush him twice a day and buy him lots of toys I let him sleep with me and Love him more then life its self. Still this happens why do we deserve this? Why my family why my little furbaby? We have been through so much. I don't know if I could lose him I don't know if my heart could handle another loss. I know you all may not understand and think he's just a dog right.But he's not just a dog he is part of our family I treat him as one of my own. Our family was not whole with out him. He has helped me be less stressed(well now there is more) and less scared to be home alone.He is a Joy and makes me so happy.He is a perfect fit in our family. I really really love him and am very scared of the months to come please if any one can spare a thought and Prayer for my Sweet little Max Lou I would greatly appreciated it more then I could ever say.

We have a new dog we got right before we found out Max's maybe sick.His name is Jacobi He is 2 1/2 years old he is med size and he is a large Blue merl Sheltie.He is so Beautiful and a perfect fit for our family Thank you Cindy for trusting us to care for him!We have only had him a few days but we already love him so much.He barks a lot though annoying but tolerable. Max loves him they play a lot! I love seeing them play together it makes my heart melt.Max is so shy to see him play with another dog makes me so happy!

We had a beautiful day yesterday it was in the 50's and the snow is melting(Thank You God!)We went and played outside and had fun what a joy to see the kids and dogs play in our beautiful big back yard!It will be so beautiful when it is summer our yard is so privet because of all the trees and bush's we have.It will be nice to go out and play with the kids once we get a swing set.I will love to watch them ride there bikes and play in the pool Ahhh Spring is almost here I can't wait I love Spring its one of my favorite seasons.

The boys are good Joey just turned 10 and got a computer, a few other things and his ear pierced! He asked me when he was 7 if he could have it done and I said when your 10 I will let you and 3 days before his 10th birthday he came up and said hey mom you said I could get my ear pierced on my 10th birthday can I get it done? I said your Not Ten Yet!So his dad(Carl)took him on his birthday he was good and got a little blue ball.

Its cute and I like it his father(Nathon)Is not going to be happy but I have custody(of course Nathon has a say but he is not around right now so gave up that right)and it is his body so he can do what he wants within my limits to himself.He has longish hair and wears what he wants and when he is 13 he will be able to dye is hair any color he wants(yes even pink with green poke-a-dots if he so desire).Then at 16 he can pierce something else(tongue lip, Eyebrow, from the neck up.)Or get his first tattoo in a place where most of the time people wont see it(has to be tasteful).

I know I am not a typical mother but I never have been the typical person. I have always been my own person and I want my kids to be the same. My 6 year old had long hair for about 2 years every one told me to cut it but I said no way!I loved it I would have left it like that forever!Then one day he asked me Mommy I want my hair cut so being the mom I am I had to do what he asked for it is his body and hair after all.So I cut it and cried after.I let them sleep in there undies and wear gloves and socks that don't match. I let Bryan wear his undies inside out and backwards if he so desires. Why dose every one have to be so annoying about it? Leave me alone let me raise my Boys!

They are healthy and happy and I feed them and don't abuse them. I love them and care for them and give them what they need!Leave me alone!If I want to give my 1 year old Yogo's with his breakfast its ok there is nothing wrong with that! I love my children and do what I think is best for them I would never ever hurt them on purpose. Yes I let them play video games that aren't quit appropriate but I monitor them and make sure they aren't to bad I let them watch scary movies but not movies that scare them.So what if it is not hurting or scaring them why not??I am so so sick of all the opinion that are being forced upon me!Give it a rest!I wont change any more then I already have so stop trying I mean I only have change as much as I have because of me not any one else!

Bryan and Collin are doing well.Collin is a little grumpy because of his dad(in Jail)I wish he wouldn't have done this to them I wish he was here to help with them. I have never denied him his children even after he tried to kidnap them and took them for months and months from me not letting me know where they were.Trying to make me do what he wanted in order to see them.Then moving away and leaving them for years yes he saw them I made sure he had them for the summers and on holidays that he could get here but other then that they didn't get to see him they were a mess!

Then when he finely comes back he is home for a month and gets put in Jail and it has been 6 months. We wright letters and visited a couple times but its not the same. I am so mad at him!They have Carl who they love but they also love there father ugh! They do get to see the grandma(his mom) and there uncles and cousin and Jenni(Nathon's girlfriend)and there little sister so that is good.

Once he gets out of Jail here he will be expedited to Louisiana for a case there.So more time with out their dad Great!How can he do this to them?I would never ever jeopardize my ability to be with my children.Ever if I could help it!doesn't he know what he is doing to them?? I don't know it drives me nuts but no use dwelling on it so I will move on push forward and do everything I can to make sure they can communicate with him and have faith and trust in God that every thing will work out for the best. With God all things are possible and all things are made right.

Thank you Lord for all that you have given us and all that you have shown us and taught us.Please Lord help Max to be ok heal him fully as I know you can.Please let Carl keep working and help us to have the funds to keep our home and pay for Max if something is wrong please help us not to be to tight and not to worry about how we will pay the bills,I know you are the provider and I know you know what is best please just give me the peace of mind to deal with the day ahead and the strength for what ever is to come,Lord I ask you to help me not to be so stressed and worried all the time please help all of us to stay healthy and happy.In Jesus Name I Pray Amen.I love you Lord!

Pictures:

Random things that come from my mind

2010-02-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

We are doing well for the most part.We have a great house. Our bills are paid. We have food.We have each other so I we are ok. I have been thinking about Sonya lot.Some times I feel bad when I go for a time with out sitting down and doing something to remember her. Logan takes so much of my time. He is so so needed it takes every ounce of strength that I have to deal with him and take care of him. I miss her so so much and now comes March she would have been 3 now she would have been born on the 17th and we would be having a party. But there will be no party at lest not to celebrate her life now as she turns 3 there maybe a visit and balloon release to celebrate the life she had and how much we love and miss her. I really really wish I could hold her and read her stories and just love her.

2010-02-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

Max is officially registered with the Akc! It went through today! I don't know why I am so happy but I am!!

He is doing well after is days of rest the vet said he could start doing more but not to let him jump or climb to many stairs. He is getting more out going and independent and definite!! He will now try to make me chase him when we are out side I have so far refrained from it but sometimes really want to! He chased the bus yesterday! I then decided it was time to keep him on a leash unless in out fenced in back yard! I could not believe it! He is chewing more and now he has finely realized hey food is good and I want that so know he walks around snuffing every thing to see if he can eat it!

He is so so cute and sweet. I could not even think of my life with out him. I love him so so much. How can you love someone so much that you have just met i mean you have 9 months with your baby before they are born to bond how can I be bonded to this little guy so fast? I don't know but I am People can laugh and call me crazy but he is my baby. I would be crushed if anything ever happened to him. People do not understand Hey I didn't understand I could not think of why some one would treat a dog like a baby but I never had the love I do for him. Like I said as soon as I saw him I wanted him As soon as she brought him out he was mine. My husband wanted another one that she had that already had 2nd shots (to save money) that she was trying to push on me(because he was more socialized then Max she thought he would be better with kids and not so shy) but I said no I want this one and didn't put him down until we had to leave. He was so scared and the other puppy's would readily give you kiss's he would not and just snuffed at me and pressed his nose to my chin and nothing more. Carl didn't like that he wanted a happy puppy but when I handed him to him he melted and wanted to work for Max's trust I think its so much better for me to prove that I will love him and care for him and win his trust rather then him trusting every one Like children he dose not know who is good and bad why would I want him to go up to just any one that could kick him?

Well I don't want him to stress and bite I do want him to be cautious and careful. He now gives me kiss's all the time but will not give people he dose not know kiss's. He likes to go up to people and look at them but he rarely lets them touch him at first he will get close until they come to close with a hand and then he will run and hide behind mom. He is getting a trim today and I will be right there with him because I know he will be so scared and if mommy left he wouldn't understand. I know I am suppose ti get him use to new things but would you just leave your scared toddler in day care with out getting the use to it first? No I know I would not I am a stay at home mom and I would never just leave them places or making them go to new people with out comforting them and making sure they know they are safe and and I would come back for them. Could you see a 13 week old puppy you give him to the groomer he has never met and then you leave him could you imagine what he would be thinking how worried he would be that you will never come back. How scared he would be with some one coming at him with clippers that make a funny noise and no one he new was there to tell him it was oK? You all probably do knowing how awesome the people on this site are to there baby's and the baby's they rescue you probably know all to well how they would feel if you just left them.

He is so great I don't care that he is shy because he is like me I am a person who has a hard time meeting new people and we fit together like any mother and child he knows when I need him to comfort me and he comes to me with hugs and kiss's with the look telling me its ok mom. He may annoy the heck out of me like any child by pulling my pant legs eating things he is not suppose to or jumping and fight with the baby but I would not give my child up for driving me batty which they do on a daily basis so how can people do this to some one that totally depends on them like a child?

Oh I want a cute Puppy then instead of going and getting a breed that would stay small and works best for there family the go out and get a cute little lab! Well in the next few months that Lab is going to get big real big eat a lot chew on everything and really need a firm but genital hand to guide him and teach him what is right and wrong and if he doesn't get this then he will be a huge hyper ball of crazy that knocks people over chews on every thing and barks like crazy you wont even be able to walk him because he will pull you down the street and that is never enjoyable oh yes honey why don't you get your arm pulled from the socket today I am busy! Then they end up not wanting to walk them any more or work with them at all soon you see the dog tied out to go and then you see him tied out all the time reasoning being he is to much for us and they will play with him for awhile but then even this stops and then the bathing and the feeding and one day you go out there and see this poor lonely dog that you only remember is because of is constant longing lonely barking (I know not every one who has a yard Dog dose this I have had one and loved him very much but it was not right that he was in the yard I was young and foolish) then one day the barking stops and they barley notice until they get a knock from the animal control with a report of a dead dog in there yard was that cute little puppy worth getting when all you did was take his life? All he wanted was your time and you give him nothing .

Then you have the people who get that "cute cuddly puppy not knowing they change a lot in looks as they age and get A lot Bigger and as soon as this starts happening they look at them and think yuck this isn't what I wanted I wanted a cute puppy so they try to give them away and if they can't they Take them for "a ride" or dump them at the pound. Then start the whole process over again with a "new" fluffy puppy that will get to big and not as "cute". I mean come on really people do research find out what these "cute" pups will look like when they are older find out how much they need to run find out how big they will be and how well they will train! If you want a cute cuddle dog that will stay small get a small breed but please watch them around kids little puppy's when they come home can weigh less then a pound (tea cup) I mean really can you see them around a 19 month old oops there gos The Puppy as he try's to carry it around and then drops it and that can kill them! I mean of course you shouldn't let them hold bigger puppy's either but they are less likely to get hurt when they play together.

No one should buy a puppy because they think they are cute and cuddly do research find whats right for you see if you have the resources to take care of this little life right a puppy racks up quit a vet bill in the first year if you don't think you can afford the bill don't get the pup until you can. We all have times when we are tight and don't have money for emergency (I just have) but that isn't what I am talking about if you can't afford shots and a license heart worm and flea meds and dewormed do not get a puppy if you can not afford to Feed your self don't get a puppy if you cant take care of the animals or children you have do Not get a puppy if you can not take time out of your day to walk them and groom them Don't get a puppy! DO Not ever buy a PUPPY thinking your child will take complete care of it and when they don't say well I'm not its not my dog! That is how people get dog poo all over there houses and a starving dog that is so bored it has no choice but to chew on every thing you own! Know that if you get a puppy for a children under 12 you will be doing 90% of the work!

I love my little guy but he took a lot of time and money to get and I really thought about getting a dog before I chose to. I think that dogs for Christmas and birthdays are the worse Idea ever do not give some one a living being for a present unless they are total prepared to accept and take care of them for the rest of there life's surprising some shocked unprepared person with something that breaths eats and has to be taken care of is not the smartest Idea in the world.

Well lol this went off in a different direction then I thought it would. I am just so sick of hearing the people behind my house little dogs bark every time I go out! I do not know what kind they are but they have little barks so I am assuming they are little dogs and there has to be at lest 4. I think they might keep the poor little things outside because I hear them all the time.

Any way I hope every one is well today!

Valentines I made for the Boys!!

2010-02-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

I'm Back!

2010-02-05T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well we are moved and I got a new computer and the net back on! Yay! Now the task of moving all the files from one computer to the other so I can give the old one to my mom that should be fun!I have been just settling and getting back into the routen of things around here. We got our taxes and got the boys bunk beds and bedding payed the rent up for 2 months and some bills and Also bought a new puppy who we named Max and he has quickly became a member of our family and we love him so much!Max is a beautiful Black Cocker Spaniel! He is a great part of our family and I treat him as my baby! Max sleeps with me follows me around and sits with me on the couch. Logan is such a handful!He still dose not sleep at night and he gets into every thing!We are adjusting well to life in our new home it is wonderful to finely have a place to call our own home again! We missed having family dinners and our children getting to play and run around when ever they wanted!We did a lot of work to make this home safe and clean! Carl did a great job painting and cleaning! I love him so so much!

We are mostly settled I got all of Sonya's things in the cabinet that Carl got me for my birthday. I love it so much it is great! I also put up all of our pictures and our wedding shelf. I love to have Sonya's stuff where people can see it. She means so much to me and it feels nice to have her stuff out so all can see and knows she matters and was here in this world though they never saw her!Some people act like I am crazy because I keep all these things for her and get more every time I find something that makes me think of My Sweet Sonya. How I miss her! She would have loved playing with Max and I would have loved watching her. I know that on the day I meet the Lord she will be there at his side or in his or grandmas arms waiting for me and I will scoop her up and never let her go she will be perfect and will never know pain or the cruelty of this world we live in and that I Thank God for! I just love her so so much! I do not expect others to understand but just do not say any thing if you can not be supportive Please just leave me be just let me love My Daughter!Then where do you turn when no one whats to listen and is sick of hearing about her?

I don't know where this life will led me or what Gods plan is for me but I do know that God has gotten me through it all and when I could no longer stand at his side as we walked her carried me in his arms until I could walk on my own again and when I fell he picked me up and stroked my hair and told me it will all be ok in the end and just to let his plan for me be laid out before me and when the time comes I will piece it together and see the true big picture the plain set out for me before I was born. I love My Lord more then any one could understand he is the one guiding light in my life the one who lead me to Carl and who trusted me to raise these Handsome little men I call my sons he is the source of all the good in my life and I praise him every day for this.Thank you God for giving me all you have in my life and for showing me there is so much more to this life then chasing money and you can be even more happy with out a lot of it then with all of the money in the world!!

Winter Fun and What Not.

2009-12-21T23:18:00.000-08:00

We went sledding this weekend and had a great time!Here are some pictures of the outing hope you all like them. Joey is doing fine but has to see a GI specialist soon I will update on that when it happens thanks for the prays. There is no news on my surgery yet but I am hopeful they will call soon to update me on it. Thank you to all that pray for us! We will be in our house by the 1st of the year Praise God but that means being off line for at lest 2 weeks.I have been thinking about Sonya a lot looking for little things to put on her shelf when we get to the house. My husband got me a beautiful china cabinet for my birthday to hold all her things and I am so so thankful for such a loving gift because I didn't know where we would put it all up at and didn't just want to leave it sitting around in a box like it is now.I want every one to see it to know she was here and real and that we love her so so much!I Miss Her so so Much more then I could ever say! Well that's it for now I will right more later Thank you to all that read this a Pray for us we really need all we can get!

Pray's for Joey!

2009-12-17T01:03:00.000-08:00

My oldest son was born when I had just turned 17 and he is my everything. I loved him from the moment I found I was pregnant with him and I worked hard to make sure he was taken care of the best he could be.Now he is 9 years old and I am scared. He had blood in his stool and we have one idea what this could mean for him. I wouldn't worry so much but it happened more then once so now it is very concerning to me. We have an appointment tomorrow morning to go over the results of his blood count and see were to go from here. I am so so scared. If any one reads this could you please please pray for Joey that there is nothing wrong and it is just a crazy thing thing that happened? Thank you!

2009-12-07T12:52:00.001-08:00

I just found out my Oldest Son's Uncle has had a baby girl 8 weeks early she is 3 pounds and is in the nicu they say she is critial. Please Pray for her!

Time of Last resort's

2009-11-24T02:39:00.000-08:00

First some Pictures of My Beautiful Little Man!

I know people have a lot worse problems then I have but I have to take the time to talk about this it is a big part of my life. I have TMD with DJD I have tried every treatment known to man to rid myself of the pain and locking I get but nothing has worked and now is the time of last resorts of scared decisions and of worry of what is to come. I have to have surgery it is very risky I could be paralyzed in half my face I could go deaf it could cause brain swelling, scaring and hair loss. I am so scared but I am going to move forward to make myself better for my children my husband and my self Please pray my insurance will cover it and it will work with out any side effects.Thank You.

Life Update

2009-11-07T00:20:00.000-08:00

Ugh I am having a hard time getting back in to the swing of things in the blog world!After not righting for so long it is hard to find where to start with it all. I mean so much has happened but really nothing has happened at all compared to others. My big moments seem so little compared to what other go through and deal with on a day to day bases! I know I know every one is different.

Well I have lost about 15 pounds the last 2 months not as much as I would have liked but enough to make me have to buy some new cloths! I am happy with myself. I did it by cutting out everyday pop drinking and walking 2 hours a day! I am so worried about putting it back on because I have not been walking like I should and am hoping to get a treadmill soon so I can walk even with no one to watch the kids!I just don't want to put back on the wight I worked so hard to lose and I want to keep losing not stall here and never get back on track!

Carl started work but they are already started to cut hours again so we don't know how stable hos job is at this point! Please if any one reads this pray he well stay working and get more hours we really need for him to work normal hours so we can have the money to move in our house when it is ready!

We have gotten the keys to our house! Carl is in the process of painting it and then the landlord will put down flooring and redo the tub and we should be able to move in by the begin of December! We are really happy about that it is a wight of our shoulders not having to worry about where we will live! Now all we need is to get moved in!

I have a minor surgery on my jaw for the TMJ they flushed the joint and injected steroids to try to ease the joint I don't know if it has worked yet because we just did this last week. I have to go have a shot in my back on Monday because the scare tissue from an old surgery had adhered to the nerve and hurts so bad and make my whole shoulder go numb!

The older Boys (Joey And Collins) Dad is in Jail for something very very bad! I never thought he would be a person to do what they say he did but now I don't know any more! I just want to smack him for what he is doing to my boys! I want to shake him and scream didn't you think of your sons before you did this what the heck am I suppose to tell them what are we suppose to do now!!?? How could he do this to our children? They are so awesome so kind and loving how could he risk being taken from them for a long time? I know I would never ever ever risk my children for any one or any thing! What do I do now?He is so so stupid! What are my boys going to do!? I mean Carl is a great father to them awesome but they love their dad to! How could he risk never being able to be around his children for something like this? I don't know maybe he didn't really do it like his mom says but who knows? Once he gets out of jail for this he will have to go back to LA to be tried for construction fraud! What the heck is wrong with him?? Why can't he be a smarter person?? Sigh I am so annoyed with him as if owing me 35,000 dollars in back support isn't bad enough! Why did I have to procreate with such losers! Bryan's father is no where to be found last I heard he was in AL and staying there and had another child that was taken from him nice right?Real nice!Ugh! Carl is going to adopt Bryan though! Enough time as gone by that we can do it with out Bryan Sr consent on grounds of abandonment! So I am happy he will get to have Carl's last name so it will be Bryan Duncan John Martin Loss we will drop the Jr but that is it!

I love Carl so much he is so good to us!! We dose every thing to take care of us and I am thankful for him every day! I thank God for sending him to us! I do not know what I would do if I lost him I would feel so lost and alone with out him here with me. Sometimes he dose things that make me wonder how much he truly loves me and how much he is here just for the kids and then in the next moment he makes me feel like the only reason he is in this world is to love me and make me and the boys happy! It is weird but more times then not he makes me feel so safe and loved and like he would never do any thing to hurt me!

I miss Sonya so so bad! October is always a hard month for me because of all the bad things that happened. I still have so many regrets and so many unanswered questions. My mind still races with what ifs and flashes of the moments and day leading up to the death of my daughter. I wish I would have asked more and demanded what I wanted how do you know to ask something if no one tells you any thing? I don't know but I wish some one would have told me I had a choice to see my beautiful little girl that I had the choice to take pictures to hold her to get he foot and hand prints! Some times I just feel like screaming!! I love you my sweet baby.

Halloween was fun we did a lot of stuff we went trunk of treating mall trick or treating to Bryan's school Halloween party and then trick or treating around Carl's dads house! We had lots and lots of fun! it was great.

Earlier last month I went to the farm with Bryan and his class and had fun and took lots of pictures it was great so much what I needed on the day of Sonya's birth and death October 20th.

Here are some recent pictures of Our Family!

Please take a look at My Work!

2009-10-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

Look at My work Please

Thanks so much!

2009-10-15T20:12:00.001-07:00

Remember Our Baby's!!

2009-10-14T16:12:00.000-07:00

Please Remember October 15th to light your candle's at 7pm for the 24 hour wave of light on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day!! I love you Sonya Marie!! We Remember.
You May Not Know
You May Not See
You May Not Hear
You May Not Care
But I Know
And I See
And I Hear
And I Care
I Am Here
And I Sigh
I have All
My Pain Inside
And I Cry
Just Because You
Can't See
Doesn't Mean It
Doesn't Matter to Me
Please Respect Me
and Know That
My Daughter Is Real
I Love You
My Sweet Sonya Marie!

Remember Our Sweet Little Ones and Remember you May have a Friend that needs you right now. Because No Matter How early or Late a loss is How long you carried your little one or got to hold them in your arms it matters it really matters no matter how long they were here they matter and they are real!!

So Long!

2009-10-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

It's been so so Long since I have blogged! Oh how I miss it! I have a lot going on right now. Logan screams all the time and he is so needed! I have been back and forth to Ann Arbor for my jaw and I have to have a Joint flush on October 29th that should be fun!! Not. My daughter would be almost 3 now we would be having a butterfly party or something of that short but instead I am going to light a candle and visit her grave. I was at thrift store about a month ago and found something I know the Lord meant me to buy. It caught my eye right away it was a little angel with a birthday gift that had a number 3 in it. I loved it and bought it right away even though I didn't really have the money for it. I miss Sonya so so much my heart aches truly aches at times.

I have pictures to share and Please remember to light a candle tomorrow October 15th for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance day at 7 pm for a 24 hour continuous wave of light.Thank you.

Short

2009-08-03T18:10:00.001-07:00

I am alive!

Almost done packing!

2009-06-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

We have one more room to pack and then we are done!!Then tomorrow is the day we move everything and then Thursday we clean. This has been so hard on us because we will not have our own house at the end of this move. I tried so hard to find something and had no luck.My sister did call and told me a friend has a place he is renting and he would work with us so we are hoping to get in there next week. I guess it is very nice. So we are really praying we get it.Thank you to all that care about us!

Moving Stinks!!

2009-06-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

We have to be out by Thursday at 6pm and moving stinks!We still do not have any where to live so we are basically homeless Joy! I am so hoping that something will come to us soon!I do not want to live with my mom! I haven't lived with her since 15 and was not planning to ever live with her again!! What a mess! You may not hear from me for awhile because I will not have the net so please keep praying and I will update as much as I can!Know I think and pray for you all often. I will miss the release I get from blogging when I am upset.Why dose this have to happen to us?? Life stinks some time!!

Weekend Fun

2009-06-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

We went to my sisters house for the weekend again and it was a lot of fun!! We went swimming (Logan's First Time!!) and it was very stress releaveing!! We are still over whelmed still have no house Carl is still laid off and we are so worried but it was nice to forget about all that for a while and play with the kids! Please Keep Praying we really need it!! Thank you! I hope every one had a awesome weekend and Happy Fathers Day!! We are enjoying the day at home with our baby's!!

Not So Good News Sigh

2009-06-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

Carl was laid off today. They had a meeting at work and told every one they will be laid off at lest until August. This is not good news for us right now.We are trying to find another house and are so over whelmed with it all!!I don't understand really I don't?God says he wont give us more then we can handle but this sure is a lot to handle all at once!! I have faith we can get through this and grow from it but I am not looking at or for the big picture as of right now. I am just getting by day to day as it is I feel like I am going to have a break down at some points.*Sigh* I don't know what we are suppose to do.We have 4 kids we can't be homeless.This is hard and I don't like the way I feel at this moment in my life I have never failed to provide my children with all they need and this time it seems I have. I am just so confused and scared. Where will we end up? I am going to try not to stress out to much and believe that it will all work out. please pray that it all works out for us we really need it and Thank you All!

Just Life

2009-06-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

We had a fun day with the kids yeasterday.It took some of the stress away. We feed the fish and went and played for the day. We needed it so badly with everything that is going on in life as of now.It was really great.

Well I talked with the geneticist and she said because of this gene testing he already had it probably rules out MRMT but wanted to see the pictures because it could be something else that needs to be taken care of.

We still have not found a place and are getting pretty discouraged and dispirit!We really need to find something Any thing soon. I am hoping that god will show us his plan soon and give us the incite we need to get by.

I do not want to live with my mom her house it to small and we don't get along when I live there so I am Praying we find something before that would have to happen! Please Pray for us we really need it.

For My Daughter

2009-06-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

2009-06-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

Let down again.

2009-06-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well we can't buy a house because we have 1400 dollars in debt we have to take care of. So the search go's on and on and on! Why can't we find anything we are good people we pay are rent!! Ugh it is so so frustrating I have a huge headache now and I have no idea what we will do!! I am so so stressed!! I hate being in this ordeal We have never been where we are now we have never worried about where we will go or if we will be out on the streets. I am so scared and every time there is hope something happens and we have to start all over again. We just need a break something to give so we can have some where to live. I have been searching for months.I am so so stressed. I don't want my baby's not to have a home. Why must this always happen to us?? Please Lord Help us find a home we can afford and will be able to stay in!!Please Pray for us we need it!

Hopeful We Will Get Good News Tomorrow!

2009-06-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Well we were gone all weekend and it was fun hanging out with my Big sister Susan's and her family(Thank you Susan and Steve for having us over and sorry my kids terrorized your house!!) Well we were gone Friday the Leander for the house we are trying to get called and said they had good news for us but of course we didn't get the message till today and is Sunday so I will call tomorrow to see what the news is please pray that it is indeed good news because we have to find something soon and if we don't we have to move in with family and no one has the room for us.

My sister is leaving us she has decided to go back to her mother right before the hearing!It's nice that we did all that work to get everything set up and now she doesn't want to be here anymore!! Oh well it opens more options for housing i guess though I will miss her as I am sure the kids will to.

Testing

2009-06-13T05:36:00.000-07:00

(the date on this picture is wrong it was taken today!)

After speaking with Liam's mother(the boy from the worlds strongest toddler)Dana and showing her pictures of Bryan I have decided to pursue testing for Bryan because Dana said that Bryan Looks Very slimier to Liam.I really think he has something like Liam. I have never seen another kid that looks like Bryan and when I watched the TLC show I was contently saying that kid looks like my Bryan!! Whats even cooler is that Liam go's to the same genetics as Bryan so that means that I do not have to have a referral because Bryan is already a patient remember Bryan's doctor dose not think he has it(peds really don't know)So I am going to all on Monday and see. I am just happy we finely found some one who looks kind of like Bryan in body style (besides his dad)Thank you Dana If you read this for taking the time to talk to me and look at my son's pictures!!

I will write more later on I am at my sisters at the moment!

I hate Bugs!!

2009-06-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

Another dumb bug bite on the forehead=huge itchy bulls-eye bump=a really mad Screaming Logan all day!! They think this one is a spider bite. His doctor told me to avoid having him bit at all coast! Ummmmmmmm Its on his face what am I suppose to do but a bag on his head? Or a mask? I put bug spray on but not all over his face yuck!!

We are still seeking a house every thing keeps falling through! So Please if you can keep us in your prayers that we will find something soon our lease is up on the 15th!I am so so stressed!

Bryan

2009-06-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

we took him in they said that he is normal just has extra muscle mass but didnt watch him flex or anything so I am going to bring in the pictures in and see what they say about it then. So I don't know. I would still like to know if anyone's 5 year old's Has a back like this?Thank you!

Please tell me if this is normal??

2009-06-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

Please some one who has a 5 year old or see's a lot of 5 year old's can you please tell me if a 5 year old's back looks like this normally?? I mean none of my other boys backs ever looked like this but I don't know?? Please if any one knows contact me??Its kind of blurry sorry he was moving!

Myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy

2009-06-11T04:12:00.000-07:00

I think my son may have some form of this and would love to get in contact with some one who knows any thing about this.

There is a little boy in my home town with this and my sister brought it to my attention and asked if Bryan may have it because of his muscle mass strength and the fact he has no fat on his body.

So I looked it up and he may very well have this in a lesser form then that other boy. As I have said Bryan has tremors problems with fine motor skills and Gross motor skills and a chromosome abnormality. Could this lesson his strength a little? His muscles look just like this boys and he has had abs since at lest 2. He can do 5 pull ups (I only caught him doing 2 on tape)and a few chine up's.Bryan could swing from a monkey bar for over a minute hanging on with just his hands while I pushed him at age 1 with out any problem!.

We have called him our little X-Men since he was around two because he was so strong and had super stretchy skin!!We (my family and I)Have always joked around that he is a little body builder and stuff!I think I may ask his doctor.

Collin and Joey show no signs of this but I don't know about Logan but I do not think so.

Bryan's "real" Father is built like him with no fat what so ever so I am wondering if he is where Bryan got it if he has it because it is hereditary and My other kids don't have the same father but there are no records of that.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy (or myotonic hypertrophy) is a rare genetic condition characterized by reduced body fat and increased skeletal muscle size. Affected individuals have up to twice the usual amount of muscle mass in their bodies. They also tend to have increased muscle strength. Myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy is not known to cause any medical problems, and affected individuals are intellectually normal. The prevalence of this condition is unknown.

Mutations in the MSTN gene cause myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy. The MSTN gene provides instructions for making a protein called myostatin, which is active in muscles used for movement (skeletal muscles) both before and after birth. This protein normally restrains muscle growth, ensuring that muscles do not grow too large. Mutations that reduce the production of functional myostatin lead to an overgrowth of muscle tissue. Myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy has a pattern of inheritance known as incomplete autosomal dominance. People with a mutation in both copies of the MSTN gene in each cell (homozygotes) have significantly increased muscle mass and strength. People with a mutation in one copy of the MSTN gene in each cell (heterozygotes) also have increased muscle bulk, but to a lesser degree.

Article about the other little boy:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MedicineCuttingEdge/story?id=7231487&page=1

Pictures of My Son Bryan at 5 years:

One more thing Susan (my sister) got tested for the chromosome abnormality and has one to as do(we think it is the same one she has to have more tests). I,My son's Collin and Bryan and her son Adrian! What is up with our family!!?? She will see the geneticist soon!I am hoping my other sister and my brother will be tested along with my niece and parents.I am really having second thoughts about having more children.

Joey and Collin

2009-06-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

I fell I have been neglacting Joey and Collin latly on my blog so I will write a little about them.

Well they both did awesome on their report cards!! Joey was the highest reader in his class at the end of the year!

Collin has come such a Long way he got 3 reading awards and is going to 2nd grade next year!!Yay!

Collin is camping right now and Joey is at his dads house. when we move Joey really wants a dog. I love my kids so so much they are great and I don't care what and one says they are good kids!! Prefect to me!!

My Son Remembers..........

2009-06-10T11:16:00.001-07:00

Bryan was 3 when Sonya passed away and I was playing a song that we played at her service and he looked at me (he is now almost 6) and said hey that's Sonya's Song! I remember the doctor took her and we buried her in a big hole in a rock(Vault.) He said (just a few min ago) That we should go get her that he cried for her and miss's her so much. I am crying now I did not know how much he remembered or how much Losing his sister affected my 3 year old(at the time).I remember the day we lost her Bryan Looked at the doctor and asked why they took his baby?I am so Heart Sick for Bryan. I tell him she is in Heaven and we will see her again some day and he says I know Mom But I Miss Her!I thought he was to young to know but I guess since he was with me all the time and was there when we got the news and there for the u/s and there when we almost lost her the first time and I prayed with him to save her and he saw me screaming and dieing emotionally that he went through it all with me that is was raw and real to him just as it was it me. I tried to hide my pain from him from every one but I guess he saw through my vial to the person below. I remember when I found out Sonya would die he would come up to me and lay his head on my belly and say the baby ok today mom the baby ok feel her mama feel her in there(Which meant I feel her in there he was 3 and not talking well). Then when we lost her and I would sit and cry he would come up and say mommy sad mommy sad mommy it ok be happy? Baby die Mom Baby Die?? And I would say yes mommy's sad because the your sister the baby died.Be Happy Be Happy mama Baby in Heaven?Yes baby's in heaven sweetie.Oooh I love you mama miss baby miss baby.

Then he was there with us when they told us we would lose Logan he was 4 and he said don't worry mommy the baby will be ok and I said I hope so!He was right!

When we told him Logan was a boy he cried and said he wasn't he was a girl! He wanted him to be a girl so bad because then he would have his sister. He was convinced Logan was a Girl up untel he saw his penis!! Then he cried as he held him and I cried to and he loved him so much he didn't want any one to hold him or take him from me he was sure the doctors killed his sister and thought the same would happen to his new brother!When we came home with him he was so happy.Then that day in September when Logan was hospitalize and Bryan had to go home with out him he screamed!He thought that if he left he would never see his brother alive again! None of the other boys have ever shown so much emotion in it all! It makes me cry.

How could some one so Little Remember for so Long??

Ok Pictures of the Hair Cut

2009-06-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

As promised here are pictures of before and after my Son Bryan Cut his Beautiful Hair!!
This is My Son in April right before the first time he cut it!Isn't He beautiful!This is How it was before this Last time He cut itThis it It Now! I am so so sad!!

On another note we found a house just trying to find the funds and I am waiting for a call back from the person. Thank you to every one who Prays for us.

Logan is feeling a little better Thanks for the prays for him to. I think Logan may have fell and bruised his tailbone because I was changing him and noticed some bruising in that area? I am the only one to change him right now so I know no one is hurting him but he dose fall on his butt a lot. My poor little Man!!

Thanks to All!Please keep us in your Prayers!

Logan's a little better today.

2009-06-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

Logan is feeling better today but is very cranky. He is not a happy camper. Along with being sick he is getting one of his front top teeth and I think that us bothering him a lot! My poor Boy! He is walking like a champ though! He rarely crawls anymore!!He is getting so so big! Thank you to all that prayed for him!

Long Night

2009-06-10T00:16:00.001-07:00

Tonight has been a long night Logan has been throwing up and crying on and off all night! Poor little Guy feels so bad!I am afraid to got to sleep because then he will cry for me and it will take longer to get to him! His allergies where making his nose stuffy and I unplugged it and then he started to get fussy and throw up. I may take him in if he is still bad tomorrow. Please Pray that he will feel better Thank you.

Oh Memorys!!

2009-06-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

I just had a jog in my memory as I was posting a comment on a blog!! Logan wasn't suppose to make it. We were told 3 times there was no hope and don't get exited because we found a heart beat it could take a day or to for you to lose the baby!! We were devastated really!One even told us look your baby's more then likely dead and if its not it will be in the next 48 hours sorry!When the months passed and Logan was still alive and kicking we were over Joyed (months of bed rest Ugh but so worth it!).Then once we had him Carl made a point to take him to every single doctor who told us there was no hope that we would lose him and show them our Miracle our Rainbow after the Storm of Losing our Daughter and a really rough pregnancy and all they could do was shake their heads and say well you never know what will happen in these cases sorry!! I Love that memory I love the look on their faces and the Joy our son brings to all around him he is perfect and we Love him. Thank You Hunny for showing those doctors how wrong they were!!
This is what we saw the day they told us to brace ourselves our baby is probably dead!! He was waving right at us like hey I am here and I am head up haha!!
the tech wasn't suppose to give us the picture but she did any way because they told her the baby was going to die and she wanted to make sure we had a picture of him alive!I wish I could Thank her for that she was my clam in the storm of that day the one medical person to give me hope and peace!!

The End Result: This Beautiful Living Perfect (37 week 2 day born) Pink and Healthy little Baby Boy Logan Lee Our Rainbow!

I wish I could say these words about Sonya I Miss and Love Her so so Much!
I Miss You My Baby Girl My Sweet Sonya Marie!!

Thanks for reading and Thanks to all that Pray! Please keep Praying for Us We really need it!!

Hair cut!

2009-06-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

Bryan My 5 year old cut his hair today with safety scissors I tried to fix it the best I could but it is a loss! I will post pictures of the massacre tomorrow!! I can not believe the cops weren't called I was screaming Not at him just in general when I went out side and saw what was going on!! The neighbors all must think I'm a nut!!I was livid to say the lest. I love his hair!I am glad he didn't cut the baby's hair!!What a cray boy!!

Ok Day/Sad Memorys.

2009-06-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

These Pictures are from September Logan was 2 months old(Not Now).Logan is ok just is a little under the weather not in the hospital so don't worry!!Thanks Everyone!

Well today was ok it was the Kids last day of school and I got some leads to houses that I am waiting to hear back on! I am praying we get one soon and find the funds to move right away!! I have Faith that God will provide for us!

Logan isn't feeling well today and every time he gets sick I get scared because I am so afraid I will lose him Like I did Sonya I check him in the middle of the night and I never let him cry and I always run to him if he falls! I love him so so much.

If any one remembers he got real sick in September (you can read about it Here) and had to be hospitalized and had a spinal tap the IV replace 6 times and every little vain in his right arm burst! He had 26 burst vain's and they tried to place it so many times I could not count every little limb and poked all over. I was so so scared I stayed with him the whole time we even slept in the same bed at times. I am so so scared to lose him I just hate it when he is sick!I miss My kids first day of school and didn't get to take Care of my Baby(Well Big Boy)that was at home with Mrsa!I hated to be away from my other boys but Logan needed me! Any way I was going through pictures and found the ones from him in the hospital that(I did share a few) I haven't shared them so now I will.Collin went through the same thing at about the same age and he was in the hospital for 2 weeks and it was one of the hardest times in my life to see my children go through pain I can not even begin to understand how parents do it long term it must be so so hard and I am sorry for you all that must go through this!

Thank you to all that Pray for us I truly and Grateful!!

Virus!!

2009-06-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have a Computer Virus and I can't seem to get it off but am working on it!! We can get the house we looked at if we can get the funds but I do not see that happening because we don't have money don't know any one with money and Can not get a loan. I have faith that God will provided though! I am so scared right now. Please pray we will find what we need!! Thank you all so so Much!

Sonya's Plaque

2009-06-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

I do not remember if I shared this or not. It is truly Beautiful and I am thankful every day for it!!

I miss Her so so much!!

Hoping and Praying for Flying Monkeys!!

2009-06-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

Don't Ask!!Just Hope and Pray with Me!!Hope in Brown!!

This is a Joke!! Don't take offense!!

Random Pictures.

2009-06-08T18:19:00.001-07:00

Here are a bunch of random pictures.

Hurt and Confused.

2009-06-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

Why are people so heartless? Don't they see some of us are really hurting and trying to find our way through grief with out them coming along and making it worse. I don't like people that lie but I will pray that God forgives you and all involved.

I love all the people who pray and continue to pray for us it means so so much to us all. We are having a rough time but we do have an appointment to see a house tomorrow and it looks like Carl will get a full week this week so I am praying hard for that. Thank you Thank you to all that care about us and pray we need it.

Please keep praying.Praise we are less stressed and not fighting as much today!! I am still really scared about where we will end up but I have faith that we will be where we need to be.Thanks to all.Pray for all the people that are hurting right now. Please know that I pray for you all.

I Remember.

2009-06-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

7 Week U/S of Sonya Marie

I remember the day I had Sonya the priest came and talked to me and they didn't tell me I had any options to Hold her or take pictures or any thing I remember being wheel to the or and being put under then I remember Waking screaming for my baby and for my husband and hearing my doctor say to the nurse "she has asked me where her baby was 3 times now just make sure you take care of her and remind her why she was here." I guess I fought and I was yelling for them to give me my baby before I was even awake.I wanted my husband so bad and I still have hurt feelings at his old boss and friend that he would not let him out of work for the worst day of my life. I just remember asking for her over and over again and them telling me to clam down you lost a a lot of blood your baby is at the funeral home already. I asked over and over if they were sure of her sex and they said they thought she was a girl but she was so small (she was 18 weeks but the size of a 14 weeker because of her inter uterine growth retardation.) I remember my doctor saying they did another u/s right before they took her to make sure she was really gone. They told me she was deformed and it was better I didn't see her anyway they told me that they did take her whole body all at once (i told them I would not have a d&e unless she was taken whole.)

What they didn't tell me is I could have held her took pictures and her foot prints and hand prints done spent time with her. Why did they not tell me?I will never be that naive again I know my choices now if any thing was to happen! I am so mad at my self and at them for not knowing and them not telling me! I have so much guilt in my soul because I did not fight harder or scream louder for her. I am so mad when I went to pick up Sonya's last u/s pictures they wanted to make me pay 50 dollars and asked me why I wanted pictures of a dead baby!! I didn't get them I didn't have 50 dollars she wasn't dead she was Dieing! AND those are the last living pictures I have of my daughter! I Love her so much so so much she is my daughter why can't people see that?

The only pictures I have of her are the 7 weeks u/s I had.Her heart rate was 176 and she was moving her little arms and legs around.I will remember that day forever the only time I ever saw my daughter alive and moving the next time I saw her on u/s she was to sick to move to tired and her body was failing her already. I love My Sonya Marie so so much.

THE TINY ONE DIED BEFORE BIRTH

2009-06-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

THE TINY ONE DIED BEFORE BIRTH
By Kathie Luther

Vistas of glorious light
Shone down from a window in heaven.
The light touched the brow of a mother
Who had just miscarried at seven.

The baby hadn't been born yet
The tiny one died before birth.
The dear little soul went to Heaven
He never lived on this Earth.

He's closer to being an angel
Than we who fight sin and shame.
Dear mother, the light is a message
The Book of Life has his name.

So, mother, don't worry or wonder
Your dear one is safe in His arms.
For Jesus loves little children
And they are drawn to His charms.

Stressed

2009-06-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

We are so stressed worried about not having a home for our boys that we have been fighting all the time. It scares me because we never fight and I hate to.I don't know what to do any more but pray and keep faith that god will provide us with what we need.This is a big mess!

Lord please help us as I cry out to you in our time of need please help us to be less stressed and not to fight so often please help us to find answers to our problems. Please help us to be strong in this time of trial and not to pull apart but get closer together. Please Lord We Need You. Thank you for all you have given us and I have Faith you will provide! We Love You Aman!

Carl's Fathersday Gift!

2009-06-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

Pictures don't do it Justice!!

Here it is I Edited this picture Printed it to 8X10 and Put it in a mat and frame!! I love it and am Happy it turned out so Well!!

Keeping Faith.

2009-06-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am keeping Faith and Trusting the Lord that he has a plan and will carry us through this. I still have not found anything suitable for us and the search go's on!Thanks to all who pray for my family and know that I pray for you all often to.

Feeling Better

2009-06-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling better now and we have some leads on house's I hope something pains out soon because we need to find something by next weekend!Please keep Pray for us.Thank you to every one that dose you have no idea how much it means to us!!

Broken

2009-06-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

I am broken. I am emotionally strand and so stressed that I feel I will have a break down.I know so many people have such bigger problems then I and I feel silly but I am so wore down so broken that I have to let it out. My body is falling apart I have Djd and Tmj my back is in endless pain and I can't open my mouth with out searing pain in my joint ears and temples! I have so many headaches I have gotten use to them. I cant even clip my sons nails with out feeling like my hands are on fire and wanting to scream! I don't want to eat because if I chew wrong my jaw slips and my teeth slam to gather. I also have diverticulitis and have so much pain in my stomach I feel like I am going to literally die oh and I have no insurance because we can't afford it so I haven't been to the doctor in some time (like I should!). Why am I falling apart? I am so sorry you all have to listen to me feeling sorry for my self! I am just so beat down that every thing is getting to me and I am over emotional an emotional wrack!! Thank you all who pray for me!

Before and After

2009-06-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

(This is the picture Before I Edited)

(This is the picture After I Edited it)

What do You think?? I spent a lot of time on this and think it turned out well!!

Daily Strength

2009-06-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

Daily Strength is the very first support group I found after I lost Sonya and it has helped me a lot I am going to put the link in here for any one that needs a good support Group for just about any thing it has so many it is amazing!! Oh and here is a link to my pro and Journal to if any one is interested.
Daily Strength
My Profile on Ds
My Journal
(I don't write there any more most of the time
but it has lots of my earlier grief writing.)

Sigh

2009-06-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm Missing my Daughter so so badly tonight.

2009-06-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well he never called back but we just have tomorrow so I have hope.I am looking at other options to. I have been pretty down lately there is stuff going on in my head that I can't seem to shake I hope its just all the stress and pass's soon.

I love my Husband so so much he is such a good man and try's so hard to take care of us and I am just so upset with my self for taking stuff that's not his fault on him. I do not mean to. I am Sorry Honey and I Love you!Your such an Amazing man and I thank God every day to have you in my life!!

Picture

2009-06-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

Kind of Let Down ):

2009-06-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

The man told me he could call back in 15 min and he never did here I sit hours Later hoping and praying he call's! We need this. I hope something comes our way soon! I have Faith that the Lord will provided! Thank you to all who are Praying for us in this time of need!!

A Glimmer of Hope!

2009-06-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

A man called me to day and said he may have a house for us we would only have to pay first months rent!!I am waiting on a call back. Please pray he will call and have found something that will suit our family! Thank you! It is hard to find places in our price range that have the space we need!Please keep Praying!Thank You All so much I am So Grateful and so is my family!!!!

Just a Women

2009-06-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

Here I am just a women. Not a super women not a hero Just a Women ,a Wife a Mother. I don't have super powers and I can't pull out my Bible and find scripture for every thing(though I wish I could) I can not come up with some super awesome blog and wow every one but I can be real and tell every one that reads this my heart and soul. No other place have I ever opened my self up like I have here. I am Just one Women with all these words writing them in hope that they help another women in this world.To show some one else they are not alone.

I sure feel alone some times when I sit here and type. I feel like I have no friends like I am to difficult for people to handle like I am a burden on others more then any thing else.

I try to help people as much as I can I really do but then they are not there to help me or if they are it has conditions behind it I give with out condition I don't understand why others can't. I would do any thing any thing for the ones I love and not think twice or say any thing about it. But when I need something when I am scared and need some one to help it never comes or it comes with strings and dates attached.

Huh I am just a women I just wish I didn't feel this way I wish I didn't need help didn't ever have to ask and I wish that people didn't make me feel upset about being a giving person I dont want to be that way I want to give with happiness. I have never asked for any thing in return and love to give. I just need help to. Huh I don't know I guess I am rambling.Sorry I am just scared about what the future holds for my family. Know I pray for you all often!

The Endless search Go's on!!

2009-06-03T11:42:00.001-07:00

Blah!! Thats what I say Blah to it all!! LoL I'm just bored and annoyed as I house hunt and thought I would wright it down! I have so many other things to do well the baby is sleeping but here I am on an endless search for a house...........So it fells any way! I know the Lord will lead us to where we need to be but it is so tiring to keep looking a packing not knowing where we will end up. All I can do is keep my Faith and Trust my Lord and that's what I am doing at this time. Now back to finding that not so dream house!! I hope every one is having a great day and know I pray for you all often. Praise Today: I found a baby gate Yah!!! One down one to go!! Oh and at the top of this post there are some random pictures Enjoy!!

Another Sleepless Night,

2009-06-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Pictures Of What Really Matters To Me In This Life!!I Love You All So Much!!

Where to began? I know I Know this is a lot of blogs for one day I guess I just have a lot to say?Here I sit on another sleepless night worried about my family, our future and Missing our sweet little girl? Wondering and asking God what he wants me to do with my life?Whats my calling? Why is life so so hard?I know the answer to the last question we need hard times to see the good and to learn why we are here we need hard times to test our faith and strength.

I wouldn't be the person I am today if my life was a breeze if every thing always went my way I wouldn't be so thankful for what I have for my family if I hadnt grew up the way I did. My life was hard not as hard as some but hard all the same. I have my family and that is all I need, What if I was into money and material things would I work so much I wouldn't see my family would I lose out on these precious years of my Baby's life's to get ahead in this world and have stuff? Items I can not take with me when I am called home Items that can be replaced if they burn up?That is not a life I want to live a life of chasing a dream that will keep getting bigger and bigger and I will never reach? Nope not me. I want to live a life of enjoying my children going to school events and watching them play. I mean yes I want to one day be comfortable and not have to worry about bills but that's it comfortable.

God,Family,and Friends,People not possessions are the most important parts of my life.Thank you My Father in Heaven For Showing me what is Truly important in this Life I love you My Savor and Praise You several times a day for All You Do for Me!

I miss My Sweet Girl.I think about her often.I love her she is mine she is real and she is so so truly missed.I love you My Sweet Sweet Sonya Marie Mommy can't wait to hold you in heaven!!

Scrapes and Bug Bites

2009-06-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

(The Big Bump with the red dot is the Bug Bite! Huge Huh!?)
(The Long Scratch is the Rug Burn!)

I can't believe I forgot to right this! Logan was playing on Friday and Carl and I were calling around and getting ready to go to renew our ID's and turn in the Guardianship papers when we heard Logan in what we thought was his room.Then I heard noises up stairs so I screamed to Carl Hurry the Baby's Up Stairs!!!! No sooner then I said that we heard him falling down the stairs Carl and I were already running so he was there and caught him mid air but he fell down 7 steps before we got there and it is only a few feet away wow.......................7 Steps and all her had wrong was rug burn on his head that now looks like a cut. 7 steps in just a few seconds those 7 steps could have took our Baby's life!! So he was acting normal and walking around but we still called the doctor who told us as long as he didn't loss consciousness we could just watch him and come in if he had problems.He is fine but it taught me to be more careful. He likes to play with doors and the door to the stairs must not have latched all the way after the boys left for school I always check it but I was so so busy it must have slipped my mind so we are putting a baby gate there!

Then today Joey was running through his room slipped and hit his head on the tv. Its a pretty good gash but it will heal. Poor Boy!!

Now for the bug bites. I think Logan is allergic to mosquitoes because he gets golf ball size lumps when he get bitten I mean they are huge my poor boy we put anti itch cream on them but they look awful!!

Hearing Date!

2009-06-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

Rachel(My Sister/Foster Daughter)

Well we have a hearing date! It is July 9th at 1:45pm Please pray that every thing go's smooth so we can keep my little sister! This all comes at a hard time for us seeing how we have no choice but to move this month(land lord is selling the house) and Carl's hours at work got cut! Please pray for us. We really need it. I have faith that God will get us through this but I think I should use the tools given to me to use(pray,support)so that is what I am doing! God has gotten us through a lot worse and I I believe and know we will be Ok! Its just really scary!Thank you all for reading and praying with me!Know that I am Praying for all of you to!!

Lets Pray!

2009-06-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

Please Pray for the Family's of people lost on flight Air France 447 This must be a very hard time for them of unknowing and sadness.