Remembering Sonya Marie Loss

We Love and Miss You Always!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Here I sit on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day thinking of my daughter I never got to hold wondering if any one even reads any of this or if its just all for my benefit that I right here? I miss her like crazy! Why did God have to take my sweet Sonya Marie my only daughter the one I loved before I even knew her the one I knew before she was born!? I was mad at God for along time how could he take my one and only daughter from me how could he be that cruel he knew how much I wanted her needed her how much I loved her! I would have been a good mommy to her. I still cry most days Why Why God Why did you take my baby? Where was he when I needed my miracle I heard in church that missioners prayed for a little girl in Mexico and brought her back to life where was god when I asked him to spare my daughter to take me instead where was he when I begged for her life those days before her death? I think of all the other mothers in my place and cry for them.
I just miss her so so much and then five days from today his her birth and death date 2 years since I woke up screaming for my daughter after the surgery to take her lifeless body from me. 2 years since I begged them to let me see her but they wouldn't 2 years since my life was changed for ever.
The three days before on the 17th I was so happy so clueless of what was to come next I was going to hear my sweet Sonya's heart beat again and that's all that mattered to me. There was no joy that day no hope no smiles like there should have been all there was was tears and fear. I will never be clueless again I will never be so naive as I was that day To think nothing could go wrong that I would never lose a baby Ha how wrong I was! How young that train of thought was.

I so miss her my heart hurts every day for her I want her so so bad.It's a pain I have never felt before and wish to never have to feel again but still every day here it is stabbing at me like a knife to my heart. Where do I turn I feel like no one really understands me how I feel my pain.

My children are the Joy of my life and I can't believe one of them is missing. I look at Logan and wonder if Sonya looked any thing like him? I didn't think I would love him because how could I love another child after I lost My Baby Girl how could I replace her with someone else? That's what it felt like when I got pregnant like I was replacing her I cried for along time because of this reason. I love Logan so so much he is my baby boy but I will always have a whole in my heart where my daughter should be. I love and miss her so so much.

On that day I lost her 2 years ago all I wanted to do was hold her all I wanted to do was see her face one time to kiss her and love on her before they took her away from me they couldn't even let me do that I begged pleaded cried to just see her but they said no she was in to bad of shape it would just upset me more she was mine I would have thought she was beautiful no matter what she looked like she was mine I didnt care I just wanted my baby why wouldnt they let me have my baby just for a moment just so I could say good bye? I will never forgive myself for not pushing them to show me her not screaming for her more not fighting more I always wonder if I would have fought more put up more of a fuss would they have let me see her?

So here is my point please on this day pregnancy and infant Loss awarness day please light a candle at 7 Pm your time so we will have a 24 hour wave of lite around the world to remember all the baby's we have lost so very young. Thank you for taking the time to read this I want every one to know about my daugther My Sweet Sonya Marie.

Sonya Marie Loss
Oct 20th 2006
In My womb for 18 Weeks
In My Heart Forever
Died of a chromosome 21
Transloction and Deletion
Forever Loved and Missed

Lots Of Pictures!

Logan and Daddy


Logan and Mommy


Logan and Big Brother Joey


Logan Rock's!


Logan Playing



Sorry I am so so picture Happy!!

Ugh! AR!

Ok so last weekend Logan was screaming and wouldn't eat or sleep and just was not happy unless I was holding him in am extreme up right possession and I had suspected for some time that he had AR but we wanted to try a few other things first before we put him on meds so we did but none of them worked so I finely broke down and brought him to the doctor and they put him on meds 4 times a day. He also has to go to GR and see the gene therapist because of course they didn't do the blood work they were suppose to when he was born! On a good point I did finely get to sit in the front seat of the car when he was in it for once he wasn't screaming his little head off the whole trip! Ugh it's getting hard to pay the rent I don't know what we will do but in the end we will mange to survive! Pictures are coming next he is so darn cute! 12 pounds 6 oz 23 1/4 in!

Lily and Logan!

Some picture of Logan and his cousin Lily who was born just a day before him! I went 300 miles to see her that day to oh what a drive when your a day away from having a baby!

Lily


Lily and Logan (she was eating his hand in a lot of these!)


He wasn't to happy she is a lot more laid back then he is. My sister got bells palsy when she gave birth to Lily that's why her face is a little droopy. It was a doctors mistake and I think she should sue!

Stupid Lady in Wal-Mart!

So I went at my mom's today and it was like 82 out side today I didn't know it was going to be so so hot (its freaken October in Michigan for petes sake!) so I put Logan in a short and tee shirt set and had his bundle me on his car seat and thought he would be fine to go out in that. So we get to my mom's house and I take him out of his car seat and he is sweating like a pig!So I change him in to just a oneise and visit with my mom and my sister a little bit and then we are off to Wal-Mart There is no way I am putting cloths back on him it is just to hot! So we get in Wal-Mart and he starts to fuss so I try his binky and when that doesn't work I take him out of his car seat and put him in the sling well then he is to hot in the sling so I take him out and am just carrying him around the store and people are owwwwwwwwwwwwwing and awwwwwwwwwwwwwing over him so that's ok. So we go to check out and I hear some lady say "That women needs to take her baby home and put some cloths on it!" So being the load mouth I am I whip around and say he doesn't need cloths because he has a bundle me on his car seat to keep him warm and if that's not enough he has a blanket and four outfits in that diaper bag! She got beat red and all she could say was oh and walk away people were looking at me like I was nuts but I didn't care who is she to tell me how to dress my son he had cloths on just because he didn't have pants or socks on didn't mean he wasn't dressed it was hot I am not giving my son heat stroke because this women thinks he needs to be put in cloths! If we went in the freezers back in the car seat or sling he would go but the store was so hot poor Logan didn't want to wear cloths! What the hell is wrong with people these day's thinking they can tell people how to dress there kids I mean yeah I would see it if it was snowing and he was out side in a diaper some one saying something or if he was gross and dirty or looked sick or something but come on He was clean health and it was hot he can be in his onesie in a store its just like a little girl in a sun dress (which I saw a couple in the store today so super cute!) Give me a break! Sorry for the vent it just made me so so mad!
No wonder why I never go to Wal-Mart there are crazy people there!I went there to get a Bumbo but the only one they had was a return I cant believe they took back it was dirty and had baby food on it and pen and dirt gross! Logan hated it anyway (I put him in it in the store).

Here is a picture of him in his bundle me when we left this morning I unzipped the top off by the end of the day he sure looks cold doesn't he?!

Bounce Bounce!

Logan Loves his new Bounce Bounce Baby! Well it's not new we got it at a thrift store and it doesn't bounce and is missing a few toys but all I wanted it for was for him to sit up and it serves its purpose and he loves it! I couldn't afford to get a new one money is so so tight. I didn't even know this thing bounced I looked it up online and found out that it did and what pieces it was missing and contacted the company to see how much they would cost. I hope not to much because I think when Logan is older he would really enjoy to bounce and I do not have the 40 dollars to buy a new one of these things this one I bought for 10 bucks! I am just happy he enjoys this toy so much even though all the features do not work!
I love him so much and thank god ever day for him. I almost lost him so many times and think of what life would be like with out him and the heart ache that would be in place of all the love and wonder if we could have lived through it all again if our marriage could have survived the loss of another beloved child that we never got to meet. Where would I be today if he wasn't here with me? I really don't even want to think of it. I just want to praise god every day for him I mean some times I thank him with out even noticing I am just looking at Logan and just thinking thank you God for my son thank you! I love him more then any thing in this world. I wanted a girl so badly but now I don't know what i would ever do with out my little boy. I love all my boys so much. Wow I love my children and my Husband!