Time of Last resort's

First some Pictures of My Beautiful Little Man!



I know people have a lot worse problems then I have but I have to take the time to talk about this it is a big part of my life. I have TMD with DJD I have tried every treatment known to man to rid myself of the pain and locking I get but nothing has worked and now is the time of last resorts of scared decisions and of worry of what is to come. I have to have surgery it is very risky I could be paralyzed in half my face I could go deaf it could cause brain swelling, scaring and hair loss. I am so scared but I am going to move forward to make myself better for my children my husband and my self Please pray my insurance will cover it and it will work with out any side effects.Thank You.

Life Update

Ugh I am having a hard time getting back in to the swing of things in the blog world!After not righting for so long it is hard to find where to start with it all. I mean so much has happened but really nothing has happened at all compared to others. My big moments seem so little compared to what other go through and deal with on a day to day bases! I know I know every one is different.

Well I have lost about 15 pounds the last 2 months not as much as I would have liked but enough to make me have to buy some new cloths! I am happy with myself. I did it by cutting out everyday pop drinking and walking 2 hours a day! I am so worried about putting it back on because I have not been walking like I should and am hoping to get a treadmill soon so I can walk even with no one to watch the kids!I just don't want to put back on the wight I worked so hard to lose and I want to keep losing not stall here and never get back on track!

Carl started work but they are already started to cut hours again so we don't know how stable hos job is at this point! Please if any one reads this pray he well stay working and get more hours we really need for him to work normal hours so we can have the money to move in our house when it is ready!

We have gotten the keys to our house! Carl is in the process of painting it and then the landlord will put down flooring and redo the tub and we should be able to move in by the begin of December! We are really happy about that it is a wight of our shoulders not having to worry about where we will live! Now all we need is to get moved in!

I have a minor surgery on my jaw for the TMJ they flushed the joint and injected steroids to try to ease the joint I don't know if it has worked yet because we just did this last week. I have to go have a shot in my back on Monday because the scare tissue from an old surgery had adhered to the nerve and hurts so bad and make my whole shoulder go numb!

The older Boys (Joey And Collins) Dad is in Jail for something very very bad! I never thought he would be a person to do what they say he did but now I don't know any more! I just want to smack him for what he is doing to my boys! I want to shake him and scream didn't you think of your sons before you did this what the heck am I suppose to tell them what are we suppose to do now!!?? How could he do this to our children? They are so awesome so kind and loving how could he risk being taken from them for a long time? I know I would never ever ever risk my children for any one or any thing! What do I do now?He is so so stupid! What are my boys going to do!? I mean Carl is a great father to them awesome but they love their dad to! How could he risk never being able to be around his children for something like this? I don't know maybe he didn't really do it like his mom says but who knows? Once he gets out of jail for this he will have to go back to LA to be tried for construction fraud! What the heck is wrong with him?? Why can't he be a smarter person?? Sigh I am so annoyed with him as if owing me 35,000 dollars in back support isn't bad enough! Why did I have to procreate with such losers! Bryan's father is no where to be found last I heard he was in AL and staying there and had another child that was taken from him nice right?Real nice!Ugh! Carl is going to adopt Bryan though! Enough time as gone by that we can do it with out Bryan Sr consent on grounds of abandonment! So I am happy he will get to have Carl's last name so it will be Bryan Duncan John Martin Loss we will drop the Jr but that is it!

I love Carl so much he is so good to us!! We dose every thing to take care of us and I am thankful for him every day! I thank God for sending him to us! I do not know what I would do if I lost him I would feel so lost and alone with out him here with me. Sometimes he dose things that make me wonder how much he truly loves me and how much he is here just for the kids and then in the next moment he makes me feel like the only reason he is in this world is to love me and make me and the boys happy! It is weird but more times then not he makes me feel so safe and loved and like he would never do any thing to hurt me!

I miss Sonya so so bad! October is always a hard month for me because of all the bad things that happened. I still have so many regrets and so many unanswered questions. My mind still races with what ifs and flashes of the moments and day leading up to the death of my daughter. I wish I would have asked more and demanded what I wanted how do you know to ask something if no one tells you any thing? I don't know but I wish some one would have told me I had a choice to see my beautiful little girl that I had the choice to take pictures to hold her to get he foot and hand prints! Some times I just feel like screaming!! I love you my sweet baby.

Halloween was fun we did a lot of stuff we went trunk of treating mall trick or treating to Bryan's school Halloween party and then trick or treating around Carl's dads house! We had lots and lots of fun! it was great.

Earlier last month I went to the farm with Bryan and his class and had fun and took lots of pictures it was great so much what I needed on the day of Sonya's birth and death October 20th.

Here are some recent pictures of Our Family!