Thursday, October 30, 2008

Logan and his bugs!

We got Logan some bugs today at Meijer and he loves them! They are soft rattles(his fave!) with teethers and crinkle wings. He was chewing on them and throwing them and just loving them. As soon as he say them he reached out for them. He has tons of toys my friends have told me I need to leave some for the rest of the baby but I have always been a toy freak they get board so easy and I just want him to have fun things! I also am putting a picture of him in here just because I thought it was cute! Look at his short legs! Logan and his bugs PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket Just Logan Photobucket

Sunday, October 26, 2008





My oldest son Joey is going as scream for Halloween and Logan took a liking to his knife!

We also carved our Pumpkin and stuck him in it here are some pictures of little Mr.Pumpkin butt!

At first he didn't like it and was kind of freaked out but then I think he liked how it felt on his feet because he was loving it!


Well Carl was suppose to get a new job but it hasn't came through yet and I am getting so worried and stressed out we are almost a month behind on our rent the gas company is threating to shut us off and there is so so much other stuff going on right now I always say I will put it in Gods hands and have faith but its so hard to do that when you worry if next month your kids will have a roof over there heads and such. I know I shouldn't be worrying so much I just cant help it!
On another happier note we are having a bat batman spider man and scream for Halloween! He are going to have so so much fun!
It looks like its going to storm so dark out I keep hearing cracks of thunder and Bryan hides with each one. Windy to the leaves are almost all gone on the trees out side our front window. I am so worried about the impending winter season and how we will get through it all how I will get presents for Christmas and how we will keep our big old house warm(if we still have one)how to buy cloths for Logan when we don't have the money to survive!?

I know it will all work out in the end but its a scary road to the end I just needed to get out my fears.

Monday, October 20, 2008


Today is the hardest day of the year for me. This is the day my daughter was Born. I say born others say miscarried she was only 2 weeks away from being what they call a "Stillborn". I was 18 weeks pregnant with my world was changed for ever. Her name is Sonya Marie I never got to see her or hold her but I loved her so so much and miss her every day. So we are going to go to her grave and put flowers on it and do a balloon release. Even though it has been 2 years it seems as hard as it was that day. They say as you heal it gets easier I am still waiting for the day when its easy. I still cry most nights for her and I always wonder when it will stop. I miss her so so much. People don't understand how I can love some one so much I never even met. I did meet her I knew her she grew inside me for 4 1/2 months I felt her move I sang and read to her and I really loved her. Happy Birthday My sweet Sonya Marie!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sonya's Stuff

I know it's just stuff but every holiday, birthday and in between we got Sonya something small for her shelf and she has a lot of stuff I have noticed. I mean yeah if she was here she would have more stuff then one little shelf could hold so I have no idea why I think she has a lot of stuff but to me she dose. I like to look at her stuff. It all started with a pink sparkle candle and a angel bear.We got the angel bear for her before we lost her it is one of a few things I kept in her memory box after I lost her then when she got her shelf it went there. We got her pink sparkle candle on her due date when we went to light it at her grave and set flowers and let go balloons and then up on the shelf it went with her bear.
It's just stuff though its not her she isn't here to enjoy her stuff so all it is is stuff. I guess its for our benefit that we have this stuff to remind us that she was here. We love her so much and that stuff is all we have of our hopes and dreams we had for her all we have to show people that we had a daughter that she was here and real!
My family is awesome they always want to talk with me about her and how much we love her but other people would rather not hear about "the baby we lost" and shy away from us.People think I should not included her in my family when I am asked how many children I have its just awkward and uncomfortable for every one around us. Why is it so horrible that I have a child I love and care about even though she is not here with me!? Oh but she didn't matter because she was never really born! Who the Fuck cares if she didn't see this world on the outside she lived and grew in me I changed my life for her I felt her and I loved her just because no one else ever saw her dose not mean she should be forgotten or dose not matter!
My pain is so real no one could ever understand it just like I could never understand someone else's we all grieve different.
Why shouldn't my daughter matter why shouldn't I have stuff for her yeah it's just stuff but it is her stuff. It's Sonya Marie's stuff she matters so so much words could not express my love for her.
I miss her so so much every day I wonder what my life would be like if she was in it? I wonder what she would look like?Why did I have to lose my baby!? God how I miss her no one will ever understand.
She well never get to see any of it or play with it or touch it and yet I keep collecting stuff for her.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Here are some new pictures have a look if you Like. I really don't know if any one reads this but oh well it's here for me when I need it! I love my Family and to show them off! Pictures now.

Waring He has a naughty shirt on in some of these!(My best friend got it for him because I love joke shirts I think its cute and funny!)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Here I sit on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day thinking of my daughter I never got to hold wondering if any one even reads any of this or if its just all for my benefit that I right here? I miss her like crazy! Why did God have to take my sweet Sonya Marie my only daughter the one I loved before I even knew her the one I knew before she was born!? I was mad at God for along time how could he take my one and only daughter from me how could he be that cruel he knew how much I wanted her needed her how much I loved her! I would have been a good mommy to her. I still cry most days Why Why God Why did you take my baby? Where was he when I needed my miracle I heard in church that missioners prayed for a little girl in Mexico and brought her back to life where was god when I asked him to spare my daughter to take me instead where was he when I begged for her life those days before her death? I think of all the other mothers in my place and cry for them.
I just miss her so so much and then five days from today his her birth and death date 2 years since I woke up screaming for my daughter after the surgery to take her lifeless body from me. 2 years since I begged them to let me see her but they wouldn't 2 years since my life was changed for ever.
The three days before on the 17th I was so happy so clueless of what was to come next I was going to hear my sweet Sonya's heart beat again and that's all that mattered to me. There was no joy that day no hope no smiles like there should have been all there was was tears and fear. I will never be clueless again I will never be so naive as I was that day To think nothing could go wrong that I would never lose a baby Ha how wrong I was! How young that train of thought was.

I so miss her my heart hurts every day for her I want her so so bad.It's a pain I have never felt before and wish to never have to feel again but still every day here it is stabbing at me like a knife to my heart. Where do I turn I feel like no one really understands me how I feel my pain.

My children are the Joy of my life and I can't believe one of them is missing. I look at Logan and wonder if Sonya looked any thing like him? I didn't think I would love him because how could I love another child after I lost My Baby Girl how could I replace her with someone else? That's what it felt like when I got pregnant like I was replacing her I cried for along time because of this reason. I love Logan so so much he is my baby boy but I will always have a whole in my heart where my daughter should be. I love and miss her so so much.

On that day I lost her 2 years ago all I wanted to do was hold her all I wanted to do was see her face one time to kiss her and love on her before they took her away from me they couldn't even let me do that I begged pleaded cried to just see her but they said no she was in to bad of shape it would just upset me more she was mine I would have thought she was beautiful no matter what she looked like she was mine I didnt care I just wanted my baby why wouldnt they let me have my baby just for a moment just so I could say good bye? I will never forgive myself for not pushing them to show me her not screaming for her more not fighting more I always wonder if I would have fought more put up more of a fuss would they have let me see her?

So here is my point please on this day pregnancy and infant Loss awarness day please light a candle at 7 Pm your time so we will have a 24 hour wave of lite around the world to remember all the baby's we have lost so very young. Thank you for taking the time to read this I want every one to know about my daugther My Sweet Sonya Marie.

Sonya Marie Loss
Oct 20th 2006
In My womb for 18 Weeks
In My Heart Forever
Died of a chromosome 21
Transloction and Deletion
Forever Loved and Missed

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Lots Of Pictures!

Logan and Daddy

Logan and Mommy

Logan and Big Brother Joey

Logan Rock's!

Logan Playing

Sorry I am so so picture Happy!!