Sunday, September 28, 2008


Logan is driving me Crazy! He wont sleep he cry's when ever I put him down. I never get sleep and barely any time to myself because once he gos to sleep I have to take care of the other boys. I would love just to get to read a book but I am scared that I will never get to finish it! I love him so so much and would not trade him for the world but come on he only sleeps at the most 15 min at a time! He is super cute though my dad made him smile so big yesterday it was super cute! He also dose this leaning thing if he wants some one he will lean torweds them its so cute! I love him so so much and thank God every day for giving him to me he truly is a blessing just a very needed blessing! Carl isn't helping this moring he told me (when I said I was tired and he wakes every 15 min and I just needed a break)Welcome to the real world I was like what! This has been my world for 2 months I think you need to wake up and see the real world! I was very upset. Ugh and I broke the window in the front door thats just what we need right before winter and when we are so tight I shut the door and the moldings a messed up so the glass just fell. Life well get better I have my family I love and a wonderful husband What more could I ask for!? I just hope we can make enough money to keep the house I really do not want to lose it.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Walk to Remember.

Today was the walk to remember. It went very well and most of my family showed up. I love my Sonya so much and loved to remember her this way. We got our balloons then lisoned to some speakers and then went to the channel to let the balloons go we stood there and watched them in till they went out of site all the boys let one go it was very sweet. Then we walked back and took a group picture. I am so happy and thankful that Missy and Chris started this walk. It is a great way to honer my Daugther who I love so so much. After it was all done we went to the park and spent family time togather. It really was a great day.

Friday, September 26, 2008


Well yesterday was a really good day! We went out to lunch and went to do some shopping. We found a really nice Play mat on Freecycle! It has tons of toys and Logan just loves it! It keeps him busy for at least half an hour. We also bought some small toys from a threft store to put on it they are really cute and look brand new and we only paid $4 dollers I also found a toy that fits on his swing it has a place to put toys but they are not included with the swing you have to buy them seprit from the swing and I found one of them at the threft store! Logan has been reaching out to touch the toys and chewing on them and hitting them its so cool I have never seen him do that before.
Logan has been reaching for daddy when I have him and I didn't think he would do that for awhile. I love to see him want daddy so so much! He is just super cute!
The school wants me to put Joey and Collin on med's but I really do not want to they make you into a zomibe and I alway's hated being on them. Joey talks in class and Collin can't sit still. So I guess it may help them in school but the min I see any change thats not good they will be taken off them!
Tomorrow I go to remember my Daugther Sonya Marie at the walk to remember I miss her so so much. I will send a ballon up for her. I really love my baby girl I wish I could hold her and love her.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This Week

Wow Carl and I have been married for One whole year now! I can not believe it! We went out for our anniversary for dinner and we ate some of our wedding cake(it was gross!) We also went to the mall and bought each other new wallets because we both needed them! I love Carl so so much I am so happy he is my husband! So much has gone on in the last year. Its amazing how the time fly's when you love some one so much! It was very hard right after Logan was born because I was sick and we had to run out every morning to go to wound care and we were so so tried because of all this but it has now gotten better.
Yesterday Logan got his shot's it was so sad he cried and cried! He was 12lb 4oz and 23 1/4 in long he is getting to be a really big boy! We have to Take Joey and Logan to Grand Rapids to have gene testing because of our family chromosome abnormality so we will see what comes out of it. If Logan is found to have it he will be placed in early on to try to head off delays I hope it will work it took along time to get Bryan and Collin to where they are today and they still have along way to go.
Every thing else has been super we are doing great in all areas but we are scared we won't be able to make the new rent next month and that scares me I have never had to worry about the rent before and its got me on pins and needles.
I have to have surgery with in the next 2 weeks because I have 5 limphomas on my back that need to be taken care of So that will be such fun I will be sore only about a week so that part is good.
The walk to remember is on Saturday and I am really looking forward to it. It's a nice way to remember my daughter and get together with other people who know how I feel. I really miss her.
Logan got his first real taste of outdoors the other night we had a bon fire and he wasn't to into it he stays out for a little bit but fussed easyley and was just not to happy with the whole thing but it was fun to get some pictures ans see his face when he saw the fire! He finely had it when a skitter landed on him he was done he wanted to go inside so I sat in here with him while every one else was having fun out side.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


My husband went to jail right before our rehearsal! He couldn't even be there! I was so mad but we went on with it with out him I was is a fog the whole time though! After the rehearsal we had to go set up the hall my family set it up and some of Carl's friends well his family went to bail his butt out of Jail! By the time he got to the hall every thing was done his mom was floored by how beautiful it turned out! I was so happy be cause I am the one that picked every thing out. I am upset at our photographer for not taking a picture of it finsed we have bits and pieces of it but not one full picture of the hall I was so sad. I can't believe we will be married a year tomorrow its amazing how much has changed since then. I love my life so much I just wish we were better off I wish I would have gone to college so I could give my kids a better life but God gives us what we have to work with and we are doing pretty well so far.
I want my boys to have it all to have the world at there finger tips to have every opportunity in this life. I know I will never be able to give it all to them but I can give them whats important food shelter and most important love but I still wish I could give them it all I would work my self to the grave if it meant they would be able to have the best things in life.
I think they need me more though more then expensive cloths and vacations and such I think they need me to be here to help them with home work and play with them and watch them grow. I do not want to miss out on all the little things in their life's. I do not want to be the mother that miss's my child's first steps and day of school and such because I am claiming the ladder of success I mean if its right for you then go for it but its not for me. I must do somthing though to put my family in a better place so my awesome husband dose not have to work so much and so we are not worried if we will have a home next month.
I wish it was all easier I miss the care free days before I had responsablites but I would not trade my life I have now for the world. I love my family so so much they are my every thing! Every day I wake up and wonder why such a wonderful man would pick me to marrie! I love him more then he will ever know. My world is full of specile people that I love so much.
I hate being dyslaxice it makes people think I am stupid. I can't spell worth crap and my math is just as bad.
I miss my daughter so so much. I just want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. Some times I look in Logan's bed and think I will see her there wonder if she would look like him at the same age. I never got to hold her but I have such a deep love for her its unreal to me. How could god take her away from me why did she have to leave me here wanting her so badly some days I don't even want to get out of bed because it hurts so bad. I still cry for her most days there is not a day that go's by I do not think of her and wonder what she would have been doing if she was here with us how big she would be how much I would love to just look at her. I miss her. I would die if it would bring her back for just a moment. We want to try one more time for a daughter but I have no idea how I would love her as much how I could bare to look at her with out seeing my Sonya there. I miss her so very much. God why did she have to go.


Before you have children you have no idea how they will really change you. How you could love such a small person so so much how it changes the way you think about life death and every thing between. You change how you live to work around this little person. Soon this little person becomes what you live for what you would give up every thing for some one you would die for. There aren't very many people in your life that you could love after they throw up poop and pee on you all at the same time but this little person you do no matter what.Your whole world is turned upside down the only thing you worrie about is your child the only reason you want to get ahead in life is to give your child what they deserve. There first smile giggle steps day of school is all you live for you wonder what will happen next! Things you never would think you would ever do you do stuff you never thought you would say comes out of your mouth. This little person loves you more then life its self you want to be there hero the one they look up to. As they grow you grow as they learn so do you. They will say they hate you but you will know its not true. Then they willl grow up and move away and you will miss them and want them back!
I was 17 when I had my first son Joey I cried wondering what the hell I thought I was doing I didn't want a baby! What would I do with him I was only 17 I knew I had to keep him safe while I was carring him but how would I keep him safe when we came out how would I learn how to deal with this little one? Then I almost lost him and I turly new how much I loved him how much I really wanted him! When he came into this world he was big bald and beautiful I Could not believe how much I truly loved this little person who smelled so bad! He was my every thing from that point on my reason for living! Then came Collin he scared me he wasn't breathing right i didn't get to hold him for 18 hours! Then he got sick when he was 3 months and I realized how quick I could lose them! You never know how much you need your children in till you realize they could be gone at any time. Then cam Bryan he was healthy happy and so cute! Then My baby girl Sonya Marie left me heart broken and empty If I didn't have my guys to live for I would have went in to a pit and never came out. Then my Little Logan he is so sweet I love him so very much he is my rainbow baby!
I could never imagen my life with out my children. Once you have little people all you care about is making them happy and raising the not to be assholes or fuckheads.
I want my children to have every thing the want and need I want them to be who ever they want and if that means not being able to see their eyes because they refuse to cut there hair so be it or if they want to watch a scary movie and eat candy for dinner once in awhile oh well!
I have really awesome kids they are all different and have things I love about them none of them are any thing alike and it amazes me that such different people all came from me! They all look different and act different and want different things in life.
What I do not understand is how some fuck heads and treat there kids like crap!? How they can not like the children because of who they are. I want my children to become who they want to be not who I want them to be why would I want them to be miserable to make me happy? I don't I want them to live life for me I want them to live life for them self's for there children and the people they love.
I want to be there for them not run there life's for them every one makes mistakes and they will some day to and they will learn and may need help but that's what parents do for their children. I cant wait in tell my baby's grow up and see the awesome joy in having there own kids if that's what they want but if they all decide they don't want children oh well they are enough for me.
I love my life my boys my husband I love every thing we have together and I wouldn't trade any of it for any thing or any one.
I don't know why I wrote this boredom I guess I hope you enjoyed it crappy spelling and all.

Just an update.

Well I have not wrote in a while so I will take the time now that Logan's sleeping! He is so so needed I can't put him down or he cry's he wont sleep more then five mins and be back up and crying for me to hold him! He doesn't want any one else but mom So I put him to sleep and try to put him down and he wakes up! He is so super cute though I love him so so much! He is smiling more and try's to laugh! He is about 12 pounds now and is 23 in we had to push back his shots because he was sick so he will get them next week not looking forward to it! He is getting more hair and his brothers love him so so much. I am so lucky I can't wait in tell he is old enough to play with them. Our rent went up 200 dollars to 600 because we can't buy the house so if we are going to stay in it our landlord wants extra because he cant see it with us here with a 200 dollar gas bill and 100 dollar light bill I will have to go get a job I hate to leave the boys but I have to keep them in a home!Other then that we have been ok my husband Carl has been sick so I have been worried about him and he had to miss work (worst timing ever!) but he is better now. We will get through this we always do because God is good and we always seem to get lefted up at the right times. I am so so mad at him though I told him he could get a tattoo for our anniversary and he came back with my name on him! Can you believe it! He got me the purse I really wanted so I am happy! I can't believe we will be married for a year on Monday!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Bryan get's MRSA Logan get's phenomena!

Well on September 1st this is what I wrote in my journal about Bryan having Mrsa!"My son Bryan has Mrsa!! I can't believe it this is so crazy! It all started on Thursday Bryan cut his pinkie down to the bone so we took him to the hospital to get it looked at and it was fine they cleaned it and rapped it and sent him home. Well Friday he had what looked to be a spider bite on his ankle no big deal I just put on some ointment and a band-aid and he was fine. Well Saturday he wasn't feeling so well so I gave him some pain med and he took a nap at around 5 pm he woke crying uncontrollably and would not stop it was all red and swollen! So I had Carl take him in and they said it was mrsa! So they gave him 2 meds and sent him home with it wrapped and told us to bring him back in 24 hours. Well it got so red I decided to take him in early and they took one look at it and put him on an Iv. So he just got off it it looks so so much better and we have to bring him back in 2 days. So I took my son in to get a little cut looked at and he came out with a deadly disease!" He is fine now and I am so so happy we caught it early!

Then the same night Logan had to go in for a fever And this is what I wrote then September 2nd 2008"Well its been a hard day today! Last night Logan woke up really hot and I took his temp and he was 100.6 so I called the doctor and they told me to take him to the er. So I did when we got there hos temp was 101.6 my poor baby! So that told me they had to take blood put in an Iv and do a spinal tap! So it took 7 pokes and 2 blown veins to finely get the IV in it was horrible I was in tears by the time they poked him the third time! So we where in the er for 6 hours they were suppose to do a chest X ray but the er doctor thought he didn't need it so they admitted him for at lest 48 hours. Well we were sent to his room and the peds doctor said he wanted to do a chest x ray (we still had no idea what was wrong with him!) and I said ok they brought the x ray right in his room. Well we finely got the ray back and it looks like phenomena so he is a meds and we are hoping to be out of here on Thursday morning! I was so scared."

We didn't get out in tell Friday after noon and before we left he had to have that IV replaced 4 times every tiny spot on his arms and legs was poked my poor poor baby! My kids also started School that week so because I was in the hospital with Logan(I would not leave him alone there) I missed there first day! but dad got pictures! Logan and Bryan are fine now but that was a scary week for me!

My story part 6 / Logan's Birth Part 2

Ok so I went back to bed in tell about 7am (I was so tired because I went to see my sister 2 1/2 hours a way on the 3rd because she just had her first baby Lilly and I wanted to be there!) and took a shower and get my son ready and we were out the door by 11:30 ( the birth center was 30 min away and I had to drop off my son to my mom).

I got to the birth center at 12:30 and got into my room and put on the monitor and got my IV in and all the stuff and waited for my doctor to come and talk to me.

So my doctor came in around 2 and told me I would go to the or at 3 and since the baby was still transverse that they may need to do a classic c-section (up and down) so I said ok and waited with my family (my whole family plus Carl's parents!)to go to the or.

So around 2:45 they came in and told me that I would have to wait because the anesthesiologist was at an emergency call so it might be pushed back as far as 4:30! I was so mad I was ready to have Logan in my arms!

At 3:30 they came back and said its time to go we found another one and we were off to the or! Finley!

So I was in the or and the anesthesiologist talked to me and told me what was going to happen blah blah stuff I already knew and we were ready to put in the spinal. So I am hunched over like I am suppose to be and have a death grip on this nurse because it hurts so bad! He first numbs it with like 15 shots and then starts to put the spinal in I start coughing and he says any movements is bad please try to keep still another horrible cough and he says what ever your doing is not good stop! The nurse looks right at him and says shes coughing she cant help it!! Right at that moment he gets it in! I lay down and I start getting numb right away!

So they test to see if I am numb enough and I am so they start the c-section it seems to take for ever before I hear them say ok we can see the uterus!Then I here them say there so much blood I think we hit the placenta!So they had to cut up higher and up and down (low placenta) and I felt the pulling and he was out!

He was born at 4:06pm First they said Oh hes baled (not true but he did look baled!) then they said oh and he's a boy! Then they said he's peeing (as I saw him for the first time!) So Carl left my side to go be with Logan and cut his cord and he brought him over to see me! He was so handsome!

Carl went with Logan to the nursery well they finished closeing me up. The nurse called and said he was 6 10 and 19 in and my doctor says hey you were almost rigth on! Then I went in to recovery and they were suppose to bring him in to see me but instead they gave him a bath and let my family look at him!

I was back in my room with in 20 min and got to hold and feed Logan for the first time. I was in Love!

I was in the hospital for 4 days and got to go home at 7:30pm on Monday the 7th!

they wanted to keep me an extra day but didn't because I had a lot of bruising (the worst they ever saw) and my incision looked infected. I wish they would have because I would be going through what I am now!

So we got home and every thing was great well on Sunday July 12th the next week I started draining at my incision site so I went to ER to get it looked at they said oh its just infected and gave me some medicine that I already had and sent me home well it stopped after about 24 hours so I was like ok I'm fine like they said.

Well on Friday I started draining a lot more and it wouldn't stop so I called my doctor who was on vacation and said I don't know what to do I cant stop this draining so she said ok I can eather see you to night at midnight when my plane lands or tomorrow morning at 10 am (Saturday) at my office I said 10 am (I didn't want her to have to rush and see me at midnight even though she would she is an awesome doctor!)

So I went in at 10 am and she looked at it and said oh you popped a couple sticths and that I needed a stronger med so she cleaned it packed the part that was open and told me to come back tusday.

So I went back Tuesday and she looked at it and the area that was opened was bigger and under the skin was all opened to about 4 in deep 11in wide so he opened it a little more and told me to come back Thursday to see what we were going to do eather cut it open and send me to wound care to clean and pack it every day are debried it (take out the dead tissue sorry TMI!) then send me to wound care every day to have it packed and cleaned.

So I went back Thursday and she looked at it and it was worse so she decided to do the surgery on Friday July 18th at 1 pm so I had to be there at 11 am. I had the surgery and went through 2 weeks of daily visits to wound care and it hurt and I had and 11 in long and 4 1/2 in deep hole in my tummy!

Its been a tough road and I still have a hole its only like 4 in wide and 1 in deep now she tried to stitch it up on the 18th of august but it just got infected and opened back up I think its the dissolvable stitches!

My story part 5 / Logan's Birth Part 1

So on June 19th I had what was suppose to be my last visit with the ob before he was born on the 23rd every thing went great but she wanted me to have a steroid shot to try to make sure his lungs would be ready for the amino on Sunday so I said ok and went over to the birth center and they put him on the monitor for a half and hour to make sure he was doing alright he was fine but they could get him to acculturate so I was there a bit longer so we could wake him up! Then they gave me this huge shot in my hip it hurt like H*** then they let me go and told me to come back in 24 hours for another one so i went home and slept and did a few things and packed our bags for the hospital and all that fun stuff and went back the next day to have one in the other hip ouch! So that was that. Then on Sunday I went in for the amino and the nurse was a b**** and didn't get any thing she was suppose to get ready done. She put me on the monitor and watched the baby for about 30 min and at noon the doctor came to do the amino so I got to see Logan on u/s he was so cute and still transverse (side to side)! He wouldn't keep his leg out of the way! So an intern comes in to do the amino and ends up messing it up and getting a needle full of blood it hurt so so bad! I had to get poked 4 time my ob finely pushed the intern out of the way and said I will do it my self! So one try she got what we needed. So I had to sit there and be watched for an hour just in case I went into labor I didn't so I got to go home and wait in tell they called me with the results it was the longest 9 hours of my life They called but my husband didn't answer (he thought is was my mom) so they left a message to call them back I was so scared and nervous I thought I was going to throw up! I called and she told me he wasn't ready that his lungs wouldn't work if he was born my heart sank! I was crushed I started cry saying I just want to hold him I just want him out and safe! I was so worried because we lost our daughter and I didn't want to lose him to.

So they told me that my doctor would call me the next day to see what the next step would be. So I was waiting on pins and needles for that call i couldn't sleep all night I took Logan's stuff from the car back to the house and just cried. So the next day she call's me back and says I want to do another amino on Sunday next week come in at 12 I said ok lets do it and she was going to book my c-section for Monday at noon again. So the whole week went by so slow my poor son had to come back from grandmas house and didn't understand why we didn't have a baby yet! So around comes Thursday and they call and tell me they want to do the amino on Friday at noon so I said ok lets do it!

So I went in and they got me all set up fast this time (she told the birth center not to let the lazy nurse near me) and my ob did the amino her self this time it only took one poke fast and easy (Logan was still transverse!) I was there another hour and sent home to wait! Before my ob sent me home she asked if I had any guess's to how big he would be I said 6 lbs 8 oz and 19 1/2 in. I was suppose to call Saturday around noon. I couldn't sleep again all that night and woke up at 6 am at around 10am I couldn't take it any more I had to call! I was so nervous! So I called and they said sorry I don't have any better news to tell you today his lungs a still to inmuter they were at a 42 and had to be at lest 55 so he was at the very low end to risky to take him another c-section canceled!

So my doctor called me on Monday and said we will take him Friday (4th of July) If I can get a team to come in on the holiday so give her a few days to call me back so the nurse calls me back on Wednesday and says ok we are going to have a baby on Friday but we wont know what time in tell tomorrow I say ok and jump up and down I'm so excited! so Thursday they call and say 9 am be there by 7am I said ok I was so so happy! Then they call me back 45 min later and say we have to move it I was like WHAT!!?? and she said yeah an hour ahead because the Anastasie doctor want to do it as early as he could so he could be with his family so I was like great the earlier the better!

So I get every thing ready and in the car and do the last things around the house I need to and get in bed early so I wont be tired when he is born. I wake up at 3 am and cant go back to sleep so I watch tv and the phone rings and its the hospital I am like what now why would they call at 4 am?! They called to tell me that so many baby's were being born that they didn't have enough staff for my or I was so so mad they said we are moving you section back to 3 pm be here at 1 I said ok and hung up and went to tell Carl! We were upset to say the lest and so was my doctor!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

My story part 4

So we were heart broken and never thought we would have any more children. We decided to move to a better school system to give our kids the best. We got married on September 22nd 2007 it was a beautiful day and we had so so much fun!I love Carl so so much he is a wonderful husband and an awesome father!I thank God every day I have him in my life.

So we had one month come and go and I noticed I was having some signs of pregnancy (I was still 8 days from that time of the month!)so I decided to take a test. I had my mom take me to the store and I took the test in the bathroom.

When it came out positive I cried my mom asked whats wrong and I showed her she said honey isn't this a good thing I said yes but I am so so scared! I bought a little box and some stuff to fill it with and put the test in there and gave it to Carl he was like no your not and I said yes I am!

So we were so so happy and scared! I had a u/s on Nov 26th and I was 6 weeks 3 days the baby's heart rate was 123 I was so happy my little baby was ok the EDD was July 20th 2008! I went to the doctor for my first appointment on Dec 20th 2007 (I was 10 weeks)and she sent me to the high risk doctor because we needed gene testing a CVS.

So every thing was going fine in till the 3rd of Jan the day I was suppose to get my CVS we were walking out the door to go to Grand Rapids for my high risk doctor when I felt a gush of blood and was freaking out and crying and begging God to save my baby.So I spent all day in the Er my blood work was fine I had a U/s and it was awesome! I saw the baby and he/she was so active the tech could not get measurements she finely got them and they said the baby was ahead in growth so instead of the the 20th we are due on the 14th the heart beat was 154! So we went home and I stopped bleeding and every thing was fine in tell the next night when I started bleeding again and went back in every thing was fine again and the baby's heart beat was 179 thank you god. I was on bed rest!

I went to the geneticist on the 7the of Jan 2008 and every thing went great we talked to the gene consular and had a u/s the baby was sleeping and was so cute the heart beat was 162 I am so so happy the baby is ok at this point we decide no to do the CVS because we wanted to test our self's for gene disorders first and then if any thing came back abnormal we would have an amino at 16 weeks!

during the course of this pregnancy I also found out my son Bryan had a gene disorder I took him in for a tremor in his hand and they sent him for blood work and it came back he had a marker chromosome which means he had a little piece of an extra chromosome floating around.We later found out it was the middle of chromosome 8 and that I had it in half my genes but Carl was fine it it was not any thing that would hurt the baby just may cause delays so we decided not to risk an amino at that time. We also found out my son Collin has this same abnormality to.

I had a U/S on March 3rd 2008 and I cried when I saw the baby he was moving all over but gave us a good shot and we finely saw he was a Boy! Logan Lee Loss we loved him already! He was 21 weeks 3 day my new Due date was July 14th, 2008.

My story part 3

Ok so we got them back and every thing was fine there dad came to see them in the summer and had to be supervised and they got a new little sister in June of 2006 (the bum's) so every thing was going good. Carl and I were planing our wedding and we were just happy being a family and happy with our life's.

Well in July on 22nd I was surprised to find out after 2 years of trying I was pregnant! I was at my sisters house and found an ept so I asked her if I could take it just for fun (I knew I wasn't pregnant we had been trying for 2 years with no luck) she said sure so I took it and there I was in the bathroom calling for Carl when he got in there i asked him what dose this look like he looked at the ept and said I don't know then i said hunny it says I'm pregnant. I was not getting my hopes up I knew I wasn't it was so lite i must have done it wrong! so I went and got another that night took it and it said the same thing. I said no no its wrong. and the next day i got another and it came out the same. Carl was out side and i went out said jumped on him and said its right I am.I wasn't really going to believe it in tell i went to the doctors the next day (this all happened on the weekend so i had to wait to go to the doctor till Monday ). So Monday came and I went to the doctor and took yet another test and sure enough it was positive! We were have the baby we wanted so badly. I stopped smoking and started taking my vits that day.

Two weeks later on aug 7th i was just going about my daily stuff taking care of the boys and so on when I felt something wet, I went to the bath room and the was a blood clot the size of a golf ball in the tolite I started to scream no no please god save my baby I dropped to my knees and prayed right there. I called Carl at work crying my eyes out he hardly could understand me. I screamed in to the phone I'm losing our baby he said ok I'll be there in a min. Next I called my mom and told her I'm loseing my baby please come meet me at the hospital so you can take Bryan i had my youngest son with me the other to were at school. Carl came in the house and got Bryan and put him in the car i was right behind him crying so hard i couldn't see. Carl told me on the way to the hospital he could only drop me off because his boss wouldn't let him out of work. So he left me there with our 3 year old on my lap baling my eyes out. He didn't want to leave me but we couldn't afford for him to lose his job. thankfully my mom showed up 30min later she took Bryan to wait for the other 2. So I was left scared and alone. They checked me and said it looked like i stopped bleeding and did a bunch of blood work and after like 3 hours they finely got me in for a u/s i sat in the waiting area for another hour. Finely they took me back and I laid down and they started. The lady was very nice she told me this is the uterus and this is the sac and the min she went over her I new it there she was perfect little heart beating 155 a min little arms and legs moving around every where she told me i was 7 week 2 day and the due date was on march 24 2007. I was so happy when she said your baby looks fine and handed me a picture. she looked like a peanut and I didn't know what she was yet so that was her name from that day in tell the day I found out. I went back to my room with my picture revealed and happy. They told me to go home stay in bed and go to my doctors in 3 days those 3 days were hell. I talked to peanut and read to her and sang to her.

Then the big day came i went to my doctors she checked me out checked the hcg levels and said I'm fine to go back to my daily life. Every thing was great a little morning sickness but not much. I went to for my 9 week visit on on aug 22 did all the routine tests and every thing was good.I went to my 13 week check up on sept 20 i heard my baby's heart beat for the first and last time it was 133 and they could only find it for 5 sec but it was 5 sec of pure heaven. I was so happy my baby was ok.

Oct 17 it was a Tuesday I went for my 18 week check and I was so happy I lost a pound and was felling good. I went in and laid down and the nurse went to find the baby's heart beat she couldn't find it so she got the doctor and she couldn't find it so they left and came back and told me she was going to send me for a u/s just to ease my mind I was in shock I went to the window to get the appointment and the lady was 8 months pregnant I started to cry a little Carl assured me every thing was fine and we where off to the hospital for a u/s they had me waiting for an hour sitting there holding my belly praying she was ok. Well they finely called us and she started the scan i was looking at the screen and new something was wrong peanut was so small compared to the boys at this stage I saw the colors on the screen flicker so I had hope . The tech told Carl he had to leave because I need to have a intervenes scan so he left and she took a lot of pics and then she left and came back with two other people and they were talking and then they left and two more came in with them so there was five. I knew something was wrong then this had never happened before. Then they left and she told me to wait well she talked to my doctor. So I waited and she told me I had to go back to my doctors office and she would tell me the results I knew when she didn't hand me pics to leave with something was wrong with my baby. I collapsed in to Carl's arms crying when I got out to the waiting room. I cried the whole way to the doctors. When we got there, there was 4 pregnant women in the waiting room and a newborn! I was so crushed. The doctor called us back and said I see your already crying and I said yes she said I'm sorry Melissa your baby doesn't have a heart beat. I hit the floor crying. Carl was crying to. Then she said but the kidneys are still working i said what dose that mean and she said I do not know we have never seen any thing like this before. She told me she wasn't gone yet but that she would be in the next 24 hours I was so sad.Then she told me she wanted to wait till Monday the next week to do another u/s to make sure she didn't get better. I said ok made the appointment and went home crying. I told my mother and she kept trying to give me hope well the kidneys are still working there's hope still I said mom there no hope stop trying (even though I was praying and begging for a miracle my self.). that night I stayed up talking singing reading a touching her I was trying to make her as comfortable as possible hoping and praying she wasn't in pain.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next morning and stayed on the couch all day hoping it would help my mom took the kids. that whole day I spent time with her talking and singing and rubbing my belly reading her story's i wanted her to hear as much of my voice as possible I told her it was ok to leave if she wasn't strong enough to fight any more I loved her and would be ok if she left. I fell asleep around 1 and had a dream that I haven't had before or since. I was rocking a baby in a pink blanket talking to her kissing her hugging her and singing and telling her how much i loved her. I thought she was hunger so I asked for a bottle the lady next to me said you cant feed her shes not yours you have to let her go now I said no I'm not ready to let go of her yet! The lady said to me but she is so I gave her one last kiss and a hug told her how much I loved and would miss her and then in tears gave her to the lady she walked off in to the light with her. I truly believe that that was my baby and god let me hold her before she left me. I woke up calling her name it was 3:45 AM I'll never forget it.I went to the bathroom and there was blood I knew she was gone this was Thursday I went to the Dr that morning and told her I was bleeding and wanted to do the u/s that day so it was set up for 3.I went there to get it was in and out in ten min I saw her on the screen she wasn't moving I knew she was gone. I went in the waiting room and they called me back to talk to my Dr on the phone she said the words I knew where coming all function has stopped. the nurses said i]I'm so sorry as she was crying.

They set up an induction for the following day at 1. So I went home and still talked to her people said things like your baby's gone you can drunk and smoke if you want I snapped back no I cant because peanut is still I'm my body and I'm going to keep her from harm in tell she is gone from me.Then Friday oct 20th 2006 I went to the hospital Carl could only drop me off because his boss wouldn't let him have the day off I was so mad I hate his boss now! So I was there about to have our baby alone.They tried every thing to get me to dialate and couldn't they had to take her the put me out I didn't get to see her because they had to get her to the genealogist right away as soon as i woke up I asked what was peanut and the doctor said a girl i was heartbroken we were hoping for a girl and here she was our little girl only to be taken away from us . We named her Sonya Marie loss.I went home to heal and wait for the results.The Dr called a week later and told me that my daughter died of a chromosome 21 trans location and deletion . its so rare it doesn't have a name and they never saw a baby that lived as long as she did with this defect.

Usely they die 2 weeks after concipton and it was a miracle she survived as long as she did my doctor told me she was fighting because she knew you loved and wanted her there's no other reason she would have lived so long she was my little fighter.She was truly a miracle.I hold every kick every hiccup every movement close to my heart I started to show the week before she passed.We put her to rest on May 6TH 2007 after the ground unthewed. I have gotten through this one day at a time.I love her so much and miss her every day. she is my heart my soul when she died a piece of me died to. I will always have a hole in my heart where she should be. We thought we would never have children together. Boy were we wrong!

My story part 2

So it took six months for the court to do any thing they revoked the child support and gave us joint custody which was good I had the kids in the week for school and he had them week ends well then he took them again! And the court wouldn't do any thing so I had to fight and I had to drive an 2 hours to get them every week end! In between all of this mess I had another little boy Bryan on august 1st 2003 via c-section he was 6 ld 10 oz and 20 in he was so cute! His dad chose beer over him so he hasn't seen him since he was six months then I met my husband in July of 2004. Carl (my husband) and I went to go get the boys one day and and the bum said he was moving to LA and taking the kids with him I said oh Hell no and told him I would see him in court. He decided to not fight me and left with out them. He came back in feb of 2006 and said that he was taking them for the week and would bring them to school and such so I wasnt to worried in tell my sons teacher said he was only in school one day and his dad told her they were moving out of state. So I called them and told him to bring back my kids or else and he said I would never see them again! SO I went to a lawyer and had them draw up full custody papers and they had them done and signed by a judge in one day! I thank God for Jen every day she was my angel in a time I needed one.

So I call the cops papers in hand and they say right on them may take children by force while the jerk cop tells us to wait for him about a mile away from the bums moms house (where he was) and we would meet there and go and get them. An hour later he comes and meets us and by the time we got to his moms he was gone.

So I was really upset and we couldn't get any one to lison that he may have already left and then finely we got a cop to lison and he called the state troopers who took us to his mothers house at 12 am and asked her where my kids were she got the bum on the phone and told him the cops were looking for him he refushed to tell us where he was!

So the cops called him and he would not tell them where he was at so the cops put an alert out and sent the kids pictures to all the dept from here to LA!

At 8 am we got a call that he was in IL and he just gave the kids to his parents to bring back he got a flat and he was so scared that the cops would find him he gave in and sent them back( he was looking at 15 years for kidnapping!) when he he got to his house in LA the cops were there waiting for him to make sure he didn't have them.

My story part 1

I have no idea where to start with this so I will just start from the beginning. I grow up in Muskegon Michigan and had a really hard childhood we were poor I mean dirt poor living in a trailer park for most of my life in tell my mother ditch my father and went back to school so we could have a better life. I went to Grand Haven school where looks and money meant every thing so I wasn't the most popular person in the world ya know not having nice things and all. At lest I didn't get teased very much people were kind of scared of me so they tended to leave me be! Well then my mom moved us to Spring Lake but we went to Fruitport and I hated it it was much to easy for me and I went back to GH! Mom got married and me and her husband could not stand each other (we're good now) and I decided it was time I moved out (wish I would have reconsider!) So I was only 15 years old and could not get my own place so I used my ex to sign a lease he was a bum and I payed all the bills working 15 hours a day and going to school I was getting sick of it and when the month was up I was going to move back to my moms well by the time I was ready to leave him I found I was pregnant (and 16) Ugh! Needless to say I moved back in with my mom but so did the bum I thought it was best for the baby( So wrong!)So we lived with my mother for about 3 months and then we got sick of each other and she thourgh us out so I was 6 months pregnant and homeless(great!)So we went hoping from friend to friends house and then the bum got arrested for a week and I stayed with his brother and then we got back on track and got a home(a trailer!) and were doing ok I was as big as a house and on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy because Joey tried to make an apperence at 27 weeks!

after 2 months (almost 3) of bed rest Joseph Scott came into the world after 19 hours of labor and a c-section at 6:23 pm February 29th, 2000 (leap day) At a beautiful 9 lbs 4oz and 21 in long! I loved him as soon as I saw him! Well we brought him home and then a week later we were on the streets again because bum didn't pay the rent! Ugh! So back to my mothers agian! We stayed with her for four months and then we got another house Joey was 7 months and I was working 14 hours a day and going to school plus taking care of my son it was worthless having the bum around all he did was sleep! November 2000 I found out I was pregnant again (Great!)I was only 17! I had Collin Alexzander on July 2nd 2001 via c-section at 8:01am he was 7lb 11oz and 20 1/2 in he had to spend 18 hours in the incubator but he was fine and I was so happy to have him! The day we got home there was a advection notice on the door bum didn't pay the rent again! So we moved and every thing was ok I slept with Collin in my bed Joey in is room(most of the time) and the bum on the couch!

When Collin was 3 months old the bum and I split (thank God!) and again I was with my mom! I went to school and worked my butt off and finished school in nov 2001 (yay) and moved from my moms house the next year to my own! Well that's when the s*** hit the fan the bum came back (after a year) when I was moving and told my mom I told him he could have ALL THE KIDS STUFF AND TOOK IT! I was so so mad!

Then he went down to FIA and got on welfare for my kids when I had them I knew nothing about this in tell I got an order of support because he was getting welfare! They tried to make me pay child support for kids I had! Well then he came to get them for a visit and they never came back! I called the cops and they told me they could not do anything because we didn't have a custody order!