Thursday, October 28, 2010
Lexie Lou Loss 10 .28.2010 You may be able to tell she was crying see her little lower lip? She was upset by the prob in her face!! My Poor Baby! The Tech even said she was crying. 27 Weeks 1 Day. I got to see her in real time and it was so sad!
Well everything Looked ok. Lexie is Growing great just a bit under average
but most baby's with the problems I have have really slow growth so we
are so happy she is a whopping 2lb 1oz at this time (27 weeks 1 Day). We
are shooting for 36 weeks So in the last week of December she will be
born but OB dose not think we w...ill make it past 34 weeks. I Will have to have a hysterectomy and may need some bladder removed we wont know until the time of the Surgery. Right now everything is good so I am hopeful!! Thank you all for your Prayers they are much wanted and Needed!!She is scheduling it for a day when the best oncology, ob and urology surgeons are there. I am hoping to have her the week after Christmas but if they are all on leave at that time it will b the week before.
She is so cute and looks so much like her Daddy I can not wait to hold her in my arms. I am so Blessed to have so many wonderful Children!! I could not ask for more! I can not wait until this little one joins us and makes are family whole! I miss my Sweet Sonya so much and there is always going to be that place that not even Lexie can fill in my heart but I know God has a Plan for me and I will see one day way she was taken from me and I Rejoice in the fact of knowing I will one day see her again and get to spend eternity with her in my arms!! Some days as I feel Lexie move it is hard not to be sad that I never got this much time with her sister! Would Sonya have liked to lie low would she have kicked me in the most annoying places?? I will never know but I know the I cherish every minute I have with my children I thank God all the time for trusting me with these little souls!!
Thank You God For All You Have Given Me!! I Can Not Wait To See Whats In Store For Us Next!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
27 Weeks Pregnant With Lexie Lou today! Wow how time really fly's I can not believe that I am so far along it seems like yesterday I thought it would be Forever until I reached this point!! I can not believe I am having a Girl it is so surreal still. I am so scared and not at all ready for whats to come. This Pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs, Scares and Prayers and now it will soon come to a dramatic close, I can not wait to see what God has in store for me next and what this chapter of my life will teach me. I have Faith everything is going to be ok! Please continue is Pray for us as we get closer to welcoming our new daugther in to this world it should be a day of joy and of sorrow memory's will flood back from the day I had Sonya and feelings of loss will come with them feelings of what might have been. Thank You!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Happy 4th Birthday My Sweet Sonya Marie! How I miss you so! It never gets easier and I can not believe it has been for whole years since my life was changed for ever. Since my safe world was shadderd and my heart was torn apart. I will have a hole in my life that will never close no matter what I do! I have God to Thank that I am still here and could get through the most horrible time in my life! I have god to Thank for Logan and soon for letting me have my Little Lexie in my arms. I have God to thank for the time I got with Sonya inside me. I Love You MY Sweet Sweet Girl and can not wait to Hold You In Heaven. Words can not say how much I Miss You!
Sonya you have my soul
Sonya you have my Heart
The day you left this earth
you tore my world apart
Sonya I know you fate
and at some later date
we well meet again
and we will begin
Our whole life again!
Mommy Love's You!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
As I sit here in the hospital I miss my family and I miss holding my Logie! I just wish I was more certen about where we where going from here. It is hard to think of going home only to come back over and over again.My whole body hurts I just feel blah and think this is the best place for me to be right now. I hope they make the right choice and not only what is easiest!
We are at a hard time in our life we are behind in everything and I do not know if I will have lights or gas when I get home because we had no money to pay for them Hell we have no money to pay for our Home even our van is behind a payment no money for baby stuff we are just in need of help and have no one to com to our aid! Then we have to think about Christmas and all the money that will go into that and it is hard not to be very over whelmed more over whelmed then I have ever been and at the worst time! Please Lord just Help See Us Through This Please We Need You To Carry us!
I hate to feel like I am whining but I am just so scared about it all I want to cry all the time ans don't know what to do? I am so lonely! My Family can not come a visit me during the week because we do not have the money for gas so I am stuck here all week with out seeing any of them! I talk to them on the phone from time to time but I want to hold and kiss my baby's!! Why dose everything have to be so hard? I know there is a reason for all this and I will someday know it but It is just So hard when you are in the midst of it all to see.
I feel Lexie move inside me and feel such Joy I Love her so much and am so happy to have her. I was not prepared for her or any of the sickness and hard time that came with her but would not trade her for the world!I can not wait to hold this little girl in my arms and praise God for her! It is Just getting there that is the Hard Part Please Pray for Me That things get a little easier and that We find away to pay our Bills Thank you to who ever reads this and takes the time to Pray for Us!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I am in the Hospital and have been here since Sunday this is the second time in a week I have ended up here. I came in on Wednesday the 23rd and was here until Sunday the 26th and now here I sit again and will probable stay here for the next 10 weeks. They keep going back and forth about what to do and it is driving me kind of crazy I wish they would just make up their minds it is hard for my family for me to come in and out and I think even though I am away from my Children and it stinks that I should just stay so they do not keep getting traumatized by Mommy coming home and leaving over and over again!I was here for The Walk To Remember and to for Sonya's reburial and that hit me really hard I really wanted to be there with my Family! I miss my Family so so much and hate being so far away. I am happy to be here though and getting the care for My Daughter and I. I just want to stay I am so scared to go home and have something happen and not get here on time I have so so many things wrong!
Here is what I wrote on A Birth Board about my Problems:
I have Placenat Accrea (sp?)that is slowly starting to show signs of precerta(sp) and looks like it may grow in to my bladder if it already hasn't.I have C-Section scar dishisons that separated a bit at around 14 weeks but as of now hasn't got worse also uterus is so thin the can not measure it and it looks like there is nothing there in MRI and U/S. I also have blood in my urine and stool and I have an autoimmune disorder and diverticulitis and cilecas(sp?).I have to have a hysterectomy at the birth so they have to make sure I am close just in case something gos wrong since I have low platelets and Iron.Throw in my dislocating and swelling joints and I have loads of fun! I feel like I am falling apart.Ugh I don't care about the scar that the classic C will leave but do do worry about it going from pubic bone to almost breast because the uterus is so big they have to cut high! I am worried about recovery time and having to go to the ICU for a couple days to a week and get a bunch of blood transfusions.Then having to deal with never having children again. Oh Joy This should be fun but as long as Lexie is safe and Healthy it is so so worth it all! I don't care what I have to go through as long as Lexie stays in there as long as she can! I wasn't even suppose to be in the Hospital full time until I was 32 weeks but new is was a possibility after 24 so here we are 2 days from being 24!! I am happy I am in here since I live so far away I would have been scared that I wouldn't get here in time. I may do the "sleepover" Idea that sounds good I am sure he will love me as much as he dose now I am just scared he will think I don't Love him! Thank you all for taking the time to read this!
So as you can see there is a lot going on to be worried about. I dont know why they would even think of sending me home at this point I am going to be 24 weeks tomorrow and we have already planned on me coming and staying here soon because of the risk of being so far away. I am at a loss for how to explane to them my reasoning for wanting to stay. I am just really scared at this point and think it is the best place for me.
Please I Need Prayers Now more then ever. Here is what for:
Please Pray they make the right choice for me and keep me here.
Please Pray that my family makes the adjustment well and this all dose not distured and trumazie their lifes to much.
Please Pray for Our Fianances we are really tight and it takes a lot of money to drive out here we are backed up on all our bills and my husband dose not make enough to keep up!
Please Pray my Mom will get my disablity aproved because it will really help with the finances.
Please Pray my Mom and Husband adjust well with me being away and take care of the boys the way I would.
Please Pray that the Boys Adjust well to this all and do not become to sad.
Please Pray that I do not get to Lonely and keep my Faith through this whole thing!
Please Pray That Lexie and I stay safe and well taken Care of.
I believe that God will let whats best happen and not give me more then I can handle! I believe he has a plan for me and I am just waiting for it to unfold before me. I Love The Lord with all My Heart and Soul!I could not get through My days with out my Faith in Him. He is The reason I am the Person I am today. I Thank Him everyday for the Life and Family He has given me! I Thank Him everyday for The time I had with Sonya and The time I have with The Boys and Lexie! I Love You Lord.
While I guess this is long enough. Please if any One really reads this Pray for me. Thank You and God Bless. I hope everyone is having A Great Day!!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Well Sonya Marie was Reburied in a Service at 2pm on Sunday October 3rd 2010. I could not attended because I am in the hospital so Lexie and I can be monitored more closely. My Husband,Mother and Step-dad took my oldest and youngest with them and brought me back pictures. It was Beautiful. I am tore up and Heart Broken from not being able to go. I really wanted to be there and It is Hard So Hard! I Miss Her So Much! I love and think about her every and not a day gos by she is not on my mind. Life is just so unfair at times but God has a plan and someday I will know what his plan for us is and I will see clearly why every thing happened that way it did and understand! I have a hard time with October it is the month my life changed for ever the month that the worst thing I ever had happen did the one thing I would never think would happen to me. Never say never you just don't know what could happen in this life. I Miss You My Sonya Marie!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Went to PT and Got the Shock of My Life!!I was Looking out the widow and noticed they were building a new garden and I said Oh I never Knew this was back here? The PT said it wasn't they just built it are Moving the Memorial from General to Hackley. I said WHAT?????? Are they moving the baby's to??She said I don't know so I hurried to the Chapel and found the minister that had Helped me through the Loss of Sonya and she said they are Moving My Baby!! I was frantic because I was not sent anything and she said she had tried but it came back but that is is ok because they are not moving the baby's until Sunday so I had not missed her Reburial!Thank God that I just so happened to be there today or I would have never knew! This is going to be hard Real hard for me Please Pray I can get through this all. October was already a Hard month now it is going to be Harder Carl is really upset that they are moving her and disturbing her resting place and just want to take her home. I am having a hard time with this because it is going to be like losing her all over again.I am so over whelmed by this. I wanted her so badly and then had to lose her and Buried her once and now I have to do it all over again.Why dose life have to be so hard and throw me curve balls like this when I am already scared and under so much stress? Please just Pray that this wont be as hard as it feels it will be. I miss her so much and think about her everyday. When I get something for Lexie I think is this what I would have got for Sonya? When she is Born I will think would Sonya have been this big would Sonya have looked like her? I Miss Her so so very much I can not believe I have to relive this all.