Monday, April 5, 2010

Not a day go's by that I don't think of her and wish I would have got to touch her smell her hug her kiss her See her Just one time! God I love and trust you with all my heart but that doesn't mean I understand you or your ways! I trust that you do what is right so I do not have to understand but it is hard!

Oh I just want to hold her little hand while we hunt for eggs sit her on my other knee at Easter dinner as we enjoy our family. Every day is a reminder that she is not here with me. I know she is in a place with no pain and happy as can be but I still miss her so much I would do any thing to have her here with us. To think she would have been just turning 3 she would be able to understand why Easter was so special to us all. She would have been in a pretty Easter dress. I love her with every fiber of my being I really do!

I am so sick of trying to be a good person and then being hurt by the people I love!I will continue to be the same person though I will not bring up that I know any of the things they have said about me what good would it do? I mean really what good would it do?Would it make my life any better to bring it all up?No not at all. I will suffer in silence thinking of how people really see me and wondering why they would feel this why about me? What did I do so so bad to deserve My own family to talk like this about me?

No one knows the real me. No one knows the person I have become since the loss of my daughter. How hard doing day to day stuff is in this new life.Once you lost some one nothing is the same it is like the world changes around you. Every little thing could mean another loss every min of every day has to be remembered and loved for what it is. Every day brings Joy and Hope but also So much grief and lost feelings to. I am a nautrule worrier I have always worried about everything but since I met my Husband I have worried less I became a new person.Then with the loss of our daughter all the worry came back and I felt stuck in the same old rut. Now I worry about alot about losing my kids my health my marrige keeping our house every thing!I am happy most of the time but hold a deep sadness deep in me that no one can ever touch. I blame everything on myself all the time. I don't know why I just don't feel good enough I guess.

I see my boys and Thank God for all I have I watch them run and play and the joy over flows my heart.I then think Sonya could be out there with them her Hair blowing in the breeze as she runs to keep up with her brothers. She could be smiling laughing and playing. Then my heart gets heavy the pain is almost unbearable!Then I think she is smiling running and playing she is in the breeze with her hair blowing she is signing and dancing laughing as skipping she is doing all the things I dream of her doing here but she is doing them in a place of love a place with no tears and no pain a place where she is surrounded by only beauty never the ugly things of this world. She may have never been able to run or sing in this world if she were here but she is there she is healed and whole she will never have to watch the horriers of this world like all of us or feel the pain of losing someone. She will be waiting for us but not know that she is. She dose not miss us or yearn for us like we do her. She will see us when we come and know she loves us and know who we are but never notice we were ever apart she will not know the reason I cry as she tucks herself into my arms I have out spread waiting for her. I can not wait to see her to feel her touch her kiss her. I wish I just had one chance to be with my little girl in this world but I know I will have so much time in the next it will make up for this a thousand times over. I wait for my turn to take those steps into heaven I am not scared to die I am not ready to either but when it is my time I will go willingly knowing that My Sweet Sonya is there waiting. I love you MY Sweet Little Baby!!


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