As I sit here in the early morning of the 20th of December thinking about my daughter. We went to the gene counselor on Thursday and again I was told that it is a true Miracle my daughter lived as long as she did when my mom asked if this was very common the lady looked at her and says we have no idea they don't make it past two weeks most times so you wouldn't even know you were pregnant yet! I miss here something awful! The ironic thing about all of this is that she didn't have the family marker Gene that the boys do! The gene therapist said that the marker could make my boys infertile! Makes me think twice about wanting another one how could I burden another child with this? I love my family and I miss my daughter I am tornen between wanting to be here with them and wanting to be with my daughter in Gods arms. I would never hurt myself or any one else of course but I so want my little girl!! How can you love some one so so much that was in your life for such a short time? I try to move on be happy that I have the baby's I do people told me it would get better when I had the new baby to take care of but they were wrong way wrong I tend to find my self looking in to Logan's eyes thinking if he looks any thing like Sonya if she would act like him and a lot of other stuff if any thing having him made it worse. I am so scared I will lose him to I can't sleep or enjoy him. Why did my daughter have to die? Why dose my heart hurt so so bad still? I miss her so much and love her even more! I will leave it at this I could go on all night.

Wow its been along time. I have been busy with Christmas coming and thanksgiving going! I have just turned 26 and feel old kind of.

I still have my little sister and it doesn't look like that will change any time soon and I am ok with that. I am so stressed out because bills are piling up and there isnt enough money and I don't know what we will do for Christmas.

I miss my little girl I want her so badly!

I am going to post some new pictures of Logan and the other boys.They are getting so big! I can't believe that Logan is 5 1/2 months old and Joey will be 9 in feb!! How time flys!!

4 month appointment

Well Logan's 4 month appointment went pretty well. He is 13 pounds 10 oz and 24 1/2 in Tall! I was kind of mad because the nurse who we had was new and she forgot to give us the info on the shots and his measurements! So I don't even know what shots he got today and I didn't notice in tell I was home that she had forgotten the info! Ugh so I have to send Carl to get it tomorrow because I want to know what shots he had!I have been going to the same ped for almost 9 years and never once did they forget the info in tell now! The first shot Logan got he didn't even notice it he didn't flinch or cry or any thing but the last 3 he was mad he screamed! He is doing well.He is average for height and weight and he is teething he has a cold but other then that he is fine.The doctor also said he can start cereal at 5 months and then veggies but to hold off on fruits in tell our next appointment ( my kids have a horrible time with fruit)I ordered his high chair today so it will be here by the time he can eat. I am going to get a sippy tomorrow because he likes to hold things with both hands and I think its time for him to start getting familiar with it. None of my kids have had a bottle after a year. Milestone Logan has reached: Laughing (laughs at both visual and touch stimuli) rolling from front to back (almost from back to front) "talking" holding objects sitting with support (can sit alone for 30 sec) thumb sucking turns in circles when on his belly tracks objects with his eyes reach's for people Has preference to who holds him holds head up plays with toys turns pages has real tears mocks (copy's what we are doing) sticks tong out (all the time) he is always rubbing his eyes try's to grab his feet (he has short legs or else he would have already!) blows bubbles and raspberries smiles I can't think of any more at this moment but I am sure there are more! He is getting so so big and he is so super cute! I cant believe he is 4 1/2 months old! How time fly's I miss my little baby but I love all he can do now. Here are some pictures I took of him today.

Jump Jump Jumperoo!

My oh so fussy sick Logan that hasn't let me put him down for days and refuses to sleep is happily playing in his new (slightly used) Jumperoo!! I am do happy! Oh I feel like crud and so dose he and I haven't been able to get any thing done around the house in days because he will not let me put him down! I am just so thrilled to see him so so happy because he has been so fussy and miserable the past 2 weeks! I couldn't afford a new one so we went to a consignment shop where they had one about a month ago and it was already sold so we where bummed so they took down our name and number and told us they would call when one came in. So I waited and waited and then forgot about and out of the blue yesterday they called us and told us they had one Yay! So Dh picked it up today and I am so happy with it. It came from a smoking home (that I was not happy about) so it is slightly yellowed and I had to wash it down with bleach and I washed the cover like 3 time other then that its great! He is almost sleeping! I can't believe he is bouncing himself to sleep!

Here he is!

Ugh!!

So we made a trip to the Er last night because Logan was coughing so badly he was choking and gagging and throwing up I was really worried. It's just a virus which is good but he is so grumpy and moody I think its being sick plus the fact that daddy has a new job so he hardly see's him any more!
My house work is so backed up right now because he is acting so needed and I have no idea what I am going to do about it all its so over whelming! With 4 kids I have to be on my toes at all times and I just cant do it when I dont get any sleep and my back hurts so bad. I have to get this stuff done because I have back surgery on the 7th so I wont be able to do any thing for awhile! I have no idea how that is going to work having 4 kids and house work and having to walk them to and from school and the baby and not having any one close enough to help me! I could send them to my dad's house if I wanted them to go to school smelling of dog waste and dirty and having to drink rust water I really think not! So I am so stuck I might just have to ask some one to come and stay with me for a little while and show them how to run the house. I really hate other people messing with my stuff though I have to have every thing done a certen way and if it isn't done just so I can not stand it (a bit of ocd) every thing has to be my way or I have to fix it!

Ugh I don't know what I am going to do! If you got through this thanks for reading my rant!

Here are some cute pictures of Logan!

Halloween

Was to busy and crazy! I didn't have much fun having to run around every where all day. This time of year is not good for me any way because I miss my daughter so so much! Today was better though I got to stop and play with the kids in the leaves and take pictures of them in there costumes the were cute! Joey was scream Collin was Bat Man Bryan was Venom and Logan was a bat. We had fun today just hanging out. I hate october I am glad its over!

Logan and his bugs!

We got Logan some bugs today at Meijer and he loves them! They are soft rattles(his fave!) with teethers and crinkle wings. He was chewing on them and throwing them and just loving them. As soon as he say them he reached out for them. He has tons of toys my friends have told me I need to leave some for the rest of the baby but I have always been a toy freak they get board so easy and I just want him to have fun things! I also am putting a picture of him in here just because I thought it was cute! Look at his short legs! Logan and his bugs Just Logan