Thoughts

I have been sick for about 3 weeks and it has sucked! I hate it I can not eat very much and I am tired all the time! My boys are rembuckshis to say the lest they are hyper and Happy and Loving and a Handful! They Are Boys. They have been pretty good as I am sick but I can not help being a little annoyed because I am sick. I Love Them so much that is is very hard to stay mad that them very long!

We have been having alot of shootings in our area lately so that means we have been staying inside more and that means limited things they can do! So I have a very loud loud house I am sure any one who walks past double takes by all the noise coming from this little house!! 4 boys is a lot to handle more so when you are on bedrest and your Husband works all the time!! Fun Fun!! I would be very sad if I did not have my noisy boy filled life! I do not know where I would be with out them in my life. My biggest fear is Losing any of them. They are my World and I wish people could see and understand this. Understand I would do anything for their happiness. Why can't people see they are my world every thing I do is for them. I go no where I do nothing with out them. I do not party I do not go out for dates with my Husband I do not go shopping I do not take time for my self I can barley read a book or be on the computer with out my Logan telling me to stop!I have Now spent the whole day search for our lost Hamster found her caught her Lost her and the search is on again But I do it for them because I love them.

I am having a baby Wow I am still Blown away by this statement!! I am Having a baby yeah I am. She will be here in 5 weeks I will leave the Hospital with a little Girl in my arms! It is so surreal. I love her already but how will she fit where will she go in this world of Beautiful Wild and Crazy Boys. How will I handle a Girl?? I will mange I am a Girl After all and The Lord with Not give me More then I can take Right??............Right so day by day that's how it will go.

Our Prayers were answered for a car Thank You to all who Prayed! We go a 1994 Dodge Ram 2500 Van!! 8 Passenger and runs very nice for they age! Carl's dad bought it for us for Christmas and said we deserve it. I thought that was so Nice he doesn't do much for us so this Was a Shock! We are very Thankful and Blessed!!!

I realize this it an 8 passenger Van and it makes me kind of sad because we would have had the room in it for our Whole Family and it Makes Me Miss Sonya Marie! I wish she was here with us but know she is happy and healthy where she is!!

Please Keep Praying For Us Thank You!!

Normal

I want to be normal and make every one happy I want to be a person that can conform into what people want of me I really do. It hurts to be Judged when you are only trying to do your best even if you know that best is not good Enough even in your mind were it is all or none prefect or Nothing. I like the person I am but try to change to fit what people think I should. I have asked even begged God to help me be Normal so I can have people who love me and want to be around me.

I say God Please Help me to be at better person knowing that every one else thinks badly of me even if I do not feel the same I would rather have the people I love Happy then make them miserably. I try hard to conform to every ones expectations for who I should be. I really really want to do what is best for my family. I want every one to love each other and be there for each other. I want to be the Mom I am and have no one tell me how horrible I am. I just want to be normal so so bad just so I could spend time with my sisters again I Miss them like crazy.I never hear any thing good about me from any one I sit here day in and day out with no one to really call a friend any more besides my Mom.

I cry all the time because all I want to be is Normal so they will Love me and want to be around me. I need them I Miss them.I am different always have been but I love my kids and would do anything for them. I am so scared of doing anything other proceed as wrong because of the talking behind my back. I just cry out to God Why?? The one thing in this life I want is to be able to have Good friends that I do not annoying. I can not be perfect but I try I really really do. I call out to God Please Make Me Normal.All I want is for every one to be happy. I am Not Perfect and Not Normal. My kids come first to me they are who I get up for every day and I will try my best to teach and Love them.













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A Bath

Ahhhhhhhhhh Just got the boys to go to bed I put the baby down and everything is set.............For me to take a nice warm bubble bath by myself for the first time in I don't know how long A Bath WoooHooo right?...........Wrong I get my water drawn and have tons of bubbles in there and I grab my mp3 player get in put on my headphones and lean back and close my eyes it feels so so nice!

Eyes still closed I hear a creek of the door opening my mind races oh no please don't tell me!? I keep my eyes shut at first trying to wish it away but then I hear the first plop splash oh a duck I bet then the next maybe a Ball? Eyes still closed and I feel splash's and plops from other toys and things coming into my Bath time My Bath Time!! Finley I open my eyes and see the beautiful Bright Brown eyes of my 2 year old Son. Hi Mama!! I say Hi Sweety want in? He takes of this diaper and excitedly climbs in to My Bath and proceeds to play and wash himself brush his teeth blissfully unaware that he has interrupted mommy only bath only in month. I lean forward and kiss him softly and said I love you Logie he smiles and laughs and scoops some bubbles in is little cupped had and blows them at me. I forget that I was suppose to get me time I forget to be made at his brothers for waking him I forget everything in the world it is just me and my little boy playing in the tub! Lexie try's to get in on the tub time fun by kicking her brother but he never notices! We splash and play with his duckies and smile...........Oh how I love his little Brown Eye Smile!To think we will not have many moments for just him and I after Lexie comes. She will take a lot of my time leaving him to wonder if he will ever have his mommy.

So a interrupted bath is not so bad when I get to hang out with the coolest little Dude I know! His smile melts me and when I have to be with out him my heart breaks. Really it dose I hate to have him leave me for more then an hour! So when he was ready he grabbed my hand and said out now and I said your done and he said yes. So I get out rap him in a soft blue towel all snugly and warm I get dressed and we lay on the couch and watch Sponge Bob He..............He looks at Me with those Big Brow Eyes Pats My Shoulder and Says..............Mama Mama Love Mama M Happy............Priceless. I Love Him!

Boys

As I sit here and watch my Boys jump off the couch on to each others heads and laugh and scream the whole time I wonder how a girl is going to fit into this crazy mix?? LOL I laugh so hard watching them wrestle and would not have it any other way but how is a girl going to handle all the rough play or how are the boys going to handle no playing so rough with her.AHHHHHHHHH I Joys of Boys! How I Love Them So!!

Replaced

Ugh my Poor 2 year old little guy dose not know what will hit him when we have the baby. I try to tell him and he Just dose not get it! How can you Prepare a 2 year old for a new baby?? He is My Sweet Sweet Baby! I do not want him to feel replaced.

It is so hard for me to feel like I am not replacing someone else already. I can not count the times I have cried and prayed over the feelings of replacing My daughter with a new one. I know I know I am not and I never will but How can I Not Feel like it?? How can you lose some one you love so much and not feel like you are replacing them with a new person you love SO Much??!! I is hard very very hard internal fight with my self everyday to feel Joy and not Pain. I still feel like I am not having a baby I still feel like this isn't real I will not go to the Hospital and walk out with a New Daughter. She kicks and I hear and see her on U/S but she is still so far Still so unreal to me. I can Hardly bring myself to buy her things. I never thought I would have a daughter after Sonya so it is so so hard not to feel like I am betraying her replacing her in some way. I know not all will understand but I know in My Heart there are people out there who understand and think the way I do. I struggle so much with this and all the sickness it is really really Hard to ever be happy or just enjoy My Little Lexie. I am so lost at this point as to what I should do about it all. I don't Know I just Don't Know. I Guess that's it, That's all I have to say right now. If you read this Pray for me to find a place that I need to Be. Thank You.

Sick

Ugh I have been sick all week!! I have some kind of stomach thing and it is annoying I have hardly eaten and Lexie has been so Feisty lately and has been upsetting my tummy even more!

Our Van got repo'd today because we owed 200 dollars!! Two hundred dollars that we were going to pay today but now we will have to pay closer to nine to get it back so we said forget it! Ugh like we needed this having to go so far away for the OB and all but we will get by we always do! God Provides!

I have my C-section date it will be on Jan 7th at 9:30 the Ob, Ob urologist and Ob oncologist will all be there just in case they have to dictate some of my bladder because of the Pecreata. Please Keep Lexie and I in your Prayers I may have to go under general and then go to ICU so will not get to see her for some time. It is going to be a tough road and I hope to make it safely to the end but you never know what will happen!!

The kids had a good Halloween Lots of candy and fun!

Please Pray that things will get better for us. We have alot to deal with and so little time till Christmas and Lexie come with no money for either. I am Sure God will Provide but it is still hard!! Thank You ALL