Sunday, May 24, 2009

No pictures No words...........

I sit thinking of what I will right. Tonight has been hard for me....Why you may ask?I don't really know I guess its just one of Those nights. I miss her so badly I wish I had something of hers to hold on to any thing a blanket she was rapped in a picture of her sweet face a lock of her hair............any thing any thing that came close to my little girl her hand prints foot prints even pictures of my belly before I lost her would help I mean I have stuff that I call hers that I bought for her but nothing that actually touched her or shows her. I was so distraught when I found out she was going to leave me and it all happened so so fast I didn't even get to think about getting one belly shot of me and my sweet girl before she was gone. I guess I am looking at the pictures NLMDTS is doing for others and thinking why didn't I think of that? I don't have one picture of me when I was pregnant with My Sweet
Girl. I regret that so much!

I miss her so much. I do have some 7 week u/s pictures that I love so much. I wanted my daughter so badly. I love and miss her more then any one will ever know. Some times I want to scream out GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE HER FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! God how I miss her. How can you miss some one so much you never really got to see?I know there is a big big place in my life that will never be filled because this little girl left it wide open and empty.

Where do you go after some one you love so much but never got to share any of there dreams with them leaves you? I went to God I went to grif Groups That helped but I still have this empty place and I hurt so so badly. I love her more then life and would do any thing to have her back.

Its hard to Love and Miss some one so much and then have people think she doesn't matter because they couldn't see her. Look at the pictures above and tell me if we look like parents that didn't just lose a child? Who is any one else to judge when you should start loving your child?How do you know how much love you can have for some one if you have never lived it. I have and it is horrible I wanted to die when they told me I would have to have my Little peanut ripped from me. I really did. The pain was so over whelming I didn't know which way was up.I cried for days and days that's all I did and then I had to take my kids back from my mom and had to pull my self some what together.They were so sad and It killed me to have to answer them when asked if our baby was in Heaven. I wanted to curl up and die I really did that is how much pain I was in.............oh there was so much pain(emotional)so much I could hardly stand it some times but God and the awesome men(Carl and boys) and my sister got me through it.I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that I have done a lot of healing..................but there are still days like today were I feel I could crawl in a whole and hide for ever to escape the truth.

Its been years and it still feels like yesterday.
I Miss You my Sweet Sonya Marie and will Always Love You.

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