Thursday, May 28, 2009
Some times I ask WHY??!!
Tonight is another long sleepless one. The kind of night I sit up and think about my daughter and think Why!? Why God did this happen to me why my baby why my daughter?? Why!!!!!!!! Why couldn't she stay long enough for me to see her sweet face for me to share her with my family Why didn't I get to take Pictures of my daughter I this little person I already Loved so much My Sweet Sweet Sonya Marie. Then my chest gets tight and its hard to breath or see through the tears in my eyes and I know if I don't claim my self I will have a panic attack or something.I know she was taking because she was in pain.How could I be left here to live in so much pain with out my sweet little girl?
My heart is broken I am a broken person because my daughter has left me. I just want to go back and stay in the moments I had with her for ever.No one understands they think it is better for me because I didn't have to carry her to term and didn't see her but it is worse so much worse I would have loved to had more moments with her to been able to spend all those months with her to been able to get pictures with her. I want my baby back! No one understands I held my little girl for first and last time as a little bag of ash's her little body in this bag as dust that is my memory of holding my sweet little girl. I looked in the bag and there she was Just ash. My little girl in my hand gone for ever how badly I wanted o hold on to her for ever my little girl in that bag.I did what parents do with there children that day the only day I ever got to hold my beloved baby one of the loves of my life I kissed her and told her how much I loved her I cried so hard and load my heart ached for my husband who was crying just as I was we didn't care who was around that just a few feet away there was mothers basking in the joy of their little ones we cried as we held our daughter for the first time the only time Then we had to put her in the vault and I thought I would die to have to let go of her again but we did it and we cried some more.
When I tell people about her they say oh you miscarried. No I lost my daughter just like any other mother. I sang to that little girl every night I talked to her felt her loved her more then life I read to her She was mine and I loved her just as much as any other mother loves their baby's. Why can't people see that?
Sonya Marie Mommy loves you and I Miss you so so much!!