Sunday, May 24, 2009


Little Logan's First Breaths Outside the Womb!

I have decided starting (and yes I have already told Carl so don't worry!)Next August (2010)if we a stable enough to start actively trying to get pregnant just in August every year until it happens because Carl want's a may baby! Stupid...yes and it is what he wants so we will try and if we get a "surprise" before or after August oh well! It will be fun trying any way!!

Any way nothing really new to report today! We are just staying afloat in this boat we call our life and are Thanking God it has not sunk with us a bored as of yet!! We still need Prayer about the House and Carl's work Please!! Thank You to any one taking the time to Pray for Our Family Our problems seem so minutiae to others and still people taking the time for us is Awesomely Appreciated!!

Logan's thumb is almost healed! Praise God!! Thanks to all that Prayed for my little man! He is getting so big to think he will be a year old in a little over a month!? At this time last year I was begging God to let me have my son to make sure he was healthy and happy when I saw him for the first time. I was so scared when he didnt move at all I would poke at him until he would stretch out like hey mom I'm in here and your annoying!!I was scared to go to bed thinking I would miss something. I just wanted him out safe in my arms! I was so so scared those last weeks that he would leave me before I got to see him. I love him so much and he was well worth the wight!

I am still a mess there is a lot of stuff that go's on with me that most people don't know and lot that no one but me knows. I am not as angry as I use to be(if you read early post you will see this) but am still very traumatized by the loss of My Sweet Sonya. I go through it all in my head wishing I knew then what I do now and beating my self up for not knowing being so naive in my choices. My heart aches and I just wish it would have all been different, that they would have gave me my
options and that I would have known to ask. There are always what ifs though.

I never wanted a Daughter until I lost her): I love her so much my heart feels like it will explode with all the pain and love it is so over whelming all these feelings
all the trauma and heartache mixed with the joy and happiness of every day. I cry still most days but it is easier not to then it was before I have more control over it.

Carl asked if I ever hear God before and I said what do you mean? He said like heard him speak to you? I said yes but it isn't like when you speak to others it can come in pictures or thoughts in your mind or a feeling you have or a voice in your head. He said he has never experienced this and I told him he just isn't listening hard enough! I think he thought I was crazy. That's ok because I know he dose not have a closeness with God like I do and we work hard on that. The reason I bring this up is because I never realized that not all people talk to God or listen to what he has to say. I know I love him and he will pick me up and carry me when I can not go on any more and Yes I feel It when the Lord guides me to do something! I believe in my whole heart that When I die he will be waiting for me. I know in my soul that he speaks to me and has a prepossess for me in this life!What it is I am yet to find out!

Oh How I miss my Daughter! Please Pray for us.

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