Monday, May 18, 2009

Update on Life,Some Thoughts and Tons of Pictures!

Well we are doing ok but need some prayers in a few areas so please help us by praying for us thank you!

We are trying to get a new house because our Land Lord is selling the one we are at and we want to be closer to our family's(We miss spending time with them almost every day like we use to) and work. I feel like I am missing out on my nieces and nephew growing up and I love and miss them I use to have Jade spend the night and have not been able to do it much out here so I would love to get that back and maybe even snag Adrian and Lily from time to time! I miss them so much.
I miss my mom and my sisters a lot to and I hoping to be able to move and see them more often I mean we see each other more then normal family's do but I would like to see them more then once a week like we are now I miss them so much we are use to seeing each other like every other day!! So that is the first thing I want to request prayer for please! God is so good and works in my life in wondrous ways a lot so I know he will answer this prayer if not with this house then one just as nice.

Ok now Carl got cut to 3 days a week please pray it is only temporary and he is back to work full time soon! We need the money right now since we need to move and our bills are behind. We have already sold all the stuff we had that only and monetary value and if things don't get better I may have to sell things that have sentimental value and I really don't want to do that!That is the second thing I am requesting Prayer for Thank you.

I really need prayer in finding a church that suits my family we loved our old church but it has kind of fell apart and now I want to find some where I can be happy at. So please pray for us to find a suitable place to worship once we get to Muskegon. Thank you!

Please if any one reads this(besides Family!) please please pray for my family we are all struggling to make it and we need prayer that we will stay afloat through these hard times.Thank you!

I Thank and Praise God for our struggles (That's Right I Just Said That!)because I would not be the person I am today with out them and I truly believe this with my whole heart. We have learned in our life that money is nothing and the people around you are every thing! People can not be replaced money and possessions can be! Though it hurts some times and I am scared some times it all worth it for all I have learned and Have! I could never fathom going years with out seeing my family and ache when I go for more then a week with out them. I would be lost with out them.

I just was looking out my window and noticed there are leaves on the tree's wow amazing! It is funny I am so busy with making sure I don't lose a kid when I go outside I didn't even notice lol!

I love the song Praise you in the Storm because It is just so true and so awesome and reminds me of my family and how most if not all of us have this attitude towards struggle. We turn to God and know (Not Think Not Hope But Know) that he will do what is best and it will all work out in the end even if there are some hardships getting there! I would like to share the awesome powerful lyrics with you and urge you to seek this song out if you are struggling, it will certainly lift you up!

Praise You In This Storm Lyrics

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

Thank you God for leading me to that song when it was so dark in my life I couldn't see when I really thought I would never be ok again when I was broken and felt there was no hope Thank you Thank you Thank you Lord! If I didn't have you I truly think I would not be here today!You saved me and carried me when I was to weak to go on you are the reason I am strong and can get through any thing.

Anyway,Other then what is going on above my life is pretty great at the moment! I love my husband and boys more then life and they amaze me every day with there love and the things they do. We went to May Fest and had lots of fun I was kinda of a Grump the second half of the day because I was worried about the house thing. Thank you all for putting up with my butt!! We rode the train with My mom sister and the baby's it was so fun! The kids kicked each others butts and fought a knight they went on a big slide and a moon bounce and a caterpillar thing! We looked at the fish is the pond and pet some farm animals! We tie dies shirts (that was fun but the people were very rude!) and we spent time together! I really enjoyed spending time with Tilly Lily and Mom Rachel with the Boys and Carl just wish Susan, Steve Jade Adrian and Ricardo could have came and hung out with us!!Thank you Tilly (I know you read this)
for bringing Lily and sharing the day with us!!

Mothers day was awesome to (I just remembered that I didn't right about it so sorry things aren't in order!) I had tons of fun ever one else was whining about it being cold but I thought is was fine I just piled extra blankets on Logan and took tons of pictures!! I loved talking a playing with the kids and every one else I wish days where I am with my family could last forever but unfortunately if they did we would kill one another lol!!

Logie has 3 teeth(two front bottom and one front top!) and is drinking from a sippy full time now! Yay! He is such a little miracle and I Praise God every day that he has in trusted me with four awesome little people! I am so blessed to have such Great Boys! What did I ever do to deserve such a blessing as these beautiful boys?!

I still struggle daily with the loss of my daughter and So wish she was here with me right now I want to hold her hug her and kiss her I want to smell her sweet little head and rock her to sleep at night I want every thing with her that I have with the boys. Oh how I miss Her so much.It is a little easier these days though but I don't know what changed to make it that way. I still have a hole in my life where she should be.
It's like before I met Carl something was missing and when he came into my life it felt like I was whole and that he was the piece of me that was missing and I changed into a better person because now I was whole then Sonya left me and I have that hole there and Logie made it worse but now I am starting to feel kind of whole again and I am happy. I still miss her so much I feel like I might die some times but I have more good days then bad now and that is very good for me. I Love You My Sweet Sonya Marie my Baby Girl! Thank you for the Dimes!!

It is funny I never had the urge to have a big family nor did I want one. I didn't even know if I wanted one child I cried when I was pregnant with Joey thinking what if I met him and don't like being a mom then what? I would sit and cry about it but have faith knowing God knew what was right for me. He came and I loved him so and worked so hard to make our life's better and he was my world but I still didn't know if I wanted any more kids and then I got pregnant with Collin and I was in a fog for most of the pregnancy because I was stuck some where I didn't want to be and it was just getting deeper!Then then the trauma of him not breathing and having to be away from me the first 18 hours of his life didn't help at all! Then when he was really little he didn't like to be touch so I thought do I want more then the two I have? The answer then was NO!They were such handful!Collin then at around 3 months(after me and his Father split) started to be such a smiley baby and so funny and laughed all the time and he was just great and I was happy and still didn't want any more I almost got my tubes tied but I was to young so they wouldn't do it!
I worked my butt off for us and we got our first house alone and it was nice well it lasted but then their dad came for the weekend and took them like normal and then never brought them back and told every one that Cps took them from me. I called the police and tried to get a lawyer but no one would help because we didn't have court ordered custody at that time(later to find out the paper I had was what I thought it was and I had soul custody and they were all wrong and could have helped me!)So I would walk the 10 miles to his house to see them and begged him to give them back. He had been collecting food stamps and cash for them when I had them and he didn't even come to see them! I worked my butt off so we didn't have to get on this stuff and he is just raking it all in!!
Well soon after this all happened I got pregnant with Bryan I knew he was a boy from day one and I was happy with my boys!During my pregnancy with Bryan I worked my butt off lived off virtually nothing and worked to fight for my boys and trying to take care of us the best I could then again I set up to have my tubes tide and again they said no I was to young! So it took me a year and a half to fight for my boys and then get joint custody(I thought it would be good for the boys to have both parents the same amount of time.) I was happy with the three of them and we were doing great by this time Carl and I were together for 6 months and enjoying our life.
About a two years and a whole lot more Joey,Collin stuff (long story!) Later I found myself for the first time in my life longing to have a baby and wondering why I had 3 baby's in 4 years but here 3 years later I had not become pregnant again. Not that I wanted to be pregnant again before I was married it was just funny I didn't even notice or think about it!That was the very first time I knew I wanted more children and was happy I didn't tie my tubes as planned!
Then we lost Sonya and I was just heart broke and hurt I didn't know if I wanted another baby. Then month after we got married I got pregnant with Logie and if he was a girl again I would have set up to have my tubes tied because all Carl wanted was a girl. I never wanted a girl never had a desire for a Girl until we lost Sonya. So when we found out Logie was a boy I was disappointed for Carl but I was kind of happy to because that meant I might get to bring another little person in this world!!
Logan Pregnancy was a very hard and trying time for me and I hope when we do decide to have another one it will not be quiet as bad!We agreed I would tie my tubes after the next one and I find myself sad that I will have no one children after that.
Well the point of this story is in the start I didn't think I wanted any children at all and now I find it hard to imagine life with out all the kids and I love my big family and would love to keep forever adding to it but I know that is crazy!! I really do love them all so much and Thank God every day that he intervened and I could not have my tubes tide! Yes we a struggling Yes it is hard But Is It Worth it?? Absolutely 100% worth all the pain struggle and heart ache to find the Joy and Peace I have with my Children and see the love on there face's!

Just one more thing in this book(lol)That I have wrote for today's post, I love righting letters and in baby books and all that fun stuff but worry because I my spelling problems because I really don't want people to think I am stupid I have always fought with myself about that. My favorite place to right is online because I can use spell check.If you could see how many misspellings there are in my posts it is crazy!
I have dyslexia(some times it so bad that the spell check can't find the word for it or it comes back with totally different words. I can read them but not spell them) and it is really hard for me to spell but online no one knows that unless I tell them. I have became very good at hiding it but still it slips my mind sometimes to use spell check and when that happens I almost always have at lest one person say something about me being stupid or something to that extent it makes me sad because those same people the week before told me I was intelligent its weird how some ones perception changes over something as small as not being able to spell and some time mixing up words.
Some people will never know how bad it is for me. Some people think you are stupid if you can't spell and am surprised when I pipe up that I have a problem in that area. People say they are less likely to answer some one or read something if is misspelled because the person must be unintelligent or uneducated. This is sad to me because I am neither of those things (well sort of the latter because I haven't gone to college yet and may not).
I right this to say the next time you see some one with horrible spelling Please take the time to understand that they could very well have a problem and are not just unintelligent I have been hurt so many times by this and I hope to save others from having to go through it! Thank You!(Now to go off and spell check!!lol)

Now for some pictures as this post is so extremely long I doubt any one will read the whole thing and if you do Thank You and Pray for Us Please!

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