Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sonya's Stuff

I know it's just stuff but every holiday, birthday and in between we got Sonya something small for her shelf and she has a lot of stuff I have noticed. I mean yeah if she was here she would have more stuff then one little shelf could hold so I have no idea why I think she has a lot of stuff but to me she dose. I like to look at her stuff. It all started with a pink sparkle candle and a angel bear.We got the angel bear for her before we lost her it is one of a few things I kept in her memory box after I lost her then when she got her shelf it went there. We got her pink sparkle candle on her due date when we went to light it at her grave and set flowers and let go balloons and then up on the shelf it went with her bear.
It's just stuff though its not her she isn't here to enjoy her stuff so all it is is stuff. I guess its for our benefit that we have this stuff to remind us that she was here. We love her so much and that stuff is all we have of our hopes and dreams we had for her all we have to show people that we had a daughter that she was here and real!
My family is awesome they always want to talk with me about her and how much we love her but other people would rather not hear about "the baby we lost" and shy away from us.People think I should not included her in my family when I am asked how many children I have its just awkward and uncomfortable for every one around us. Why is it so horrible that I have a child I love and care about even though she is not here with me!? Oh but she didn't matter because she was never really born! Who the Fuck cares if she didn't see this world on the outside she lived and grew in me I changed my life for her I felt her and I loved her just because no one else ever saw her dose not mean she should be forgotten or dose not matter!
My pain is so real no one could ever understand it just like I could never understand someone else's we all grieve different.
Why shouldn't my daughter matter why shouldn't I have stuff for her yeah it's just stuff but it is her stuff. It's Sonya Marie's stuff she matters so so much words could not express my love for her.
I miss her so so much every day I wonder what my life would be like if she was in it? I wonder what she would look like?Why did I have to lose my baby!? God how I miss her no one will ever understand.
She well never get to see any of it or play with it or touch it and yet I keep collecting stuff for her.

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