One Week!!

One Week and I will have a New Little Love in my Life one Week and we will welcome Our daughter into our home!!

Thoughts

I have been sick for about 3 weeks and it has sucked! I hate it I can not eat very much and I am tired all the time! My boys are rembuckshis to say the lest they are hyper and Happy and Loving and a Handful! They Are Boys. They have been pretty good as I am sick but I can not help being a little annoyed because I am sick. I Love Them so much that is is very hard to stay mad that them very long!

We have been having alot of shootings in our area lately so that means we have been staying inside more and that means limited things they can do! So I have a very loud loud house I am sure any one who walks past double takes by all the noise coming from this little house!! 4 boys is a lot to handle more so when you are on bedrest and your Husband works all the time!! Fun Fun!! I would be very sad if I did not have my noisy boy filled life! I do not know where I would be with out them in my life. My biggest fear is Losing any of them. They are my World and I wish people could see and understand this. Understand I would do anything for their happiness. Why can't people see they are my world every thing I do is for them. I go no where I do nothing with out them. I do not party I do not go out for dates with my Husband I do not go shopping I do not take time for my self I can barley read a book or be on the computer with out my Logan telling me to stop!I have Now spent the whole day search for our lost Hamster found her caught her Lost her and the search is on again But I do it for them because I love them.

I am having a baby Wow I am still Blown away by this statement!! I am Having a baby yeah I am. She will be here in 5 weeks I will leave the Hospital with a little Girl in my arms! It is so surreal. I love her already but how will she fit where will she go in this world of Beautiful Wild and Crazy Boys. How will I handle a Girl?? I will mange I am a Girl After all and The Lord with Not give me More then I can take Right??............Right so day by day that's how it will go.

Our Prayers were answered for a car Thank You to all who Prayed! We go a 1994 Dodge Ram 2500 Van!! 8 Passenger and runs very nice for they age! Carl's dad bought it for us for Christmas and said we deserve it. I thought that was so Nice he doesn't do much for us so this Was a Shock! We are very Thankful and Blessed!!!

I realize this it an 8 passenger Van and it makes me kind of sad because we would have had the room in it for our Whole Family and it Makes Me Miss Sonya Marie! I wish she was here with us but know she is happy and healthy where she is!!

Please Keep Praying For Us Thank You!!

Normal

I want to be normal and make every one happy I want to be a person that can conform into what people want of me I really do. It hurts to be Judged when you are only trying to do your best even if you know that best is not good Enough even in your mind were it is all or none prefect or Nothing. I like the person I am but try to change to fit what people think I should. I have asked even begged God to help me be Normal so I can have people who love me and want to be around me.

I say God Please Help me to be at better person knowing that every one else thinks badly of me even if I do not feel the same I would rather have the people I love Happy then make them miserably. I try hard to conform to every ones expectations for who I should be. I really really want to do what is best for my family. I want every one to love each other and be there for each other. I want to be the Mom I am and have no one tell me how horrible I am. I just want to be normal so so bad just so I could spend time with my sisters again I Miss them like crazy.I never hear any thing good about me from any one I sit here day in and day out with no one to really call a friend any more besides my Mom.

I cry all the time because all I want to be is Normal so they will Love me and want to be around me. I need them I Miss them.I am different always have been but I love my kids and would do anything for them. I am so scared of doing anything other proceed as wrong because of the talking behind my back. I just cry out to God Why?? The one thing in this life I want is to be able to have Good friends that I do not annoying. I can not be perfect but I try I really really do. I call out to God Please Make Me Normal.All I want is for every one to be happy. I am Not Perfect and Not Normal. My kids come first to me they are who I get up for every day and I will try my best to teach and Love them.













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A Bath

Ahhhhhhhhhh Just got the boys to go to bed I put the baby down and everything is set.............For me to take a nice warm bubble bath by myself for the first time in I don't know how long A Bath WoooHooo right?...........Wrong I get my water drawn and have tons of bubbles in there and I grab my mp3 player get in put on my headphones and lean back and close my eyes it feels so so nice!

Eyes still closed I hear a creek of the door opening my mind races oh no please don't tell me!? I keep my eyes shut at first trying to wish it away but then I hear the first plop splash oh a duck I bet then the next maybe a Ball? Eyes still closed and I feel splash's and plops from other toys and things coming into my Bath time My Bath Time!! Finley I open my eyes and see the beautiful Bright Brown eyes of my 2 year old Son. Hi Mama!! I say Hi Sweety want in? He takes of this diaper and excitedly climbs in to My Bath and proceeds to play and wash himself brush his teeth blissfully unaware that he has interrupted mommy only bath only in month. I lean forward and kiss him softly and said I love you Logie he smiles and laughs and scoops some bubbles in is little cupped had and blows them at me. I forget that I was suppose to get me time I forget to be made at his brothers for waking him I forget everything in the world it is just me and my little boy playing in the tub! Lexie try's to get in on the tub time fun by kicking her brother but he never notices! We splash and play with his duckies and smile...........Oh how I love his little Brown Eye Smile!To think we will not have many moments for just him and I after Lexie comes. She will take a lot of my time leaving him to wonder if he will ever have his mommy.

So a interrupted bath is not so bad when I get to hang out with the coolest little Dude I know! His smile melts me and when I have to be with out him my heart breaks. Really it dose I hate to have him leave me for more then an hour! So when he was ready he grabbed my hand and said out now and I said your done and he said yes. So I get out rap him in a soft blue towel all snugly and warm I get dressed and we lay on the couch and watch Sponge Bob He..............He looks at Me with those Big Brow Eyes Pats My Shoulder and Says..............Mama Mama Love Mama M Happy............Priceless. I Love Him!

Boys

As I sit here and watch my Boys jump off the couch on to each others heads and laugh and scream the whole time I wonder how a girl is going to fit into this crazy mix?? LOL I laugh so hard watching them wrestle and would not have it any other way but how is a girl going to handle all the rough play or how are the boys going to handle no playing so rough with her.AHHHHHHHHH I Joys of Boys! How I Love Them So!!

Replaced

Ugh my Poor 2 year old little guy dose not know what will hit him when we have the baby. I try to tell him and he Just dose not get it! How can you Prepare a 2 year old for a new baby?? He is My Sweet Sweet Baby! I do not want him to feel replaced.

It is so hard for me to feel like I am not replacing someone else already. I can not count the times I have cried and prayed over the feelings of replacing My daughter with a new one. I know I know I am not and I never will but How can I Not Feel like it?? How can you lose some one you love so much and not feel like you are replacing them with a new person you love SO Much??!! I is hard very very hard internal fight with my self everyday to feel Joy and not Pain. I still feel like I am not having a baby I still feel like this isn't real I will not go to the Hospital and walk out with a New Daughter. She kicks and I hear and see her on U/S but she is still so far Still so unreal to me. I can Hardly bring myself to buy her things. I never thought I would have a daughter after Sonya so it is so so hard not to feel like I am betraying her replacing her in some way. I know not all will understand but I know in My Heart there are people out there who understand and think the way I do. I struggle so much with this and all the sickness it is really really Hard to ever be happy or just enjoy My Little Lexie. I am so lost at this point as to what I should do about it all. I don't Know I just Don't Know. I Guess that's it, That's all I have to say right now. If you read this Pray for me to find a place that I need to Be. Thank You.

Sick

Ugh I have been sick all week!! I have some kind of stomach thing and it is annoying I have hardly eaten and Lexie has been so Feisty lately and has been upsetting my tummy even more!

Our Van got repo'd today because we owed 200 dollars!! Two hundred dollars that we were going to pay today but now we will have to pay closer to nine to get it back so we said forget it! Ugh like we needed this having to go so far away for the OB and all but we will get by we always do! God Provides!

I have my C-section date it will be on Jan 7th at 9:30 the Ob, Ob urologist and Ob oncologist will all be there just in case they have to dictate some of my bladder because of the Pecreata. Please Keep Lexie and I in your Prayers I may have to go under general and then go to ICU so will not get to see her for some time. It is going to be a tough road and I hope to make it safely to the end but you never know what will happen!!

The kids had a good Halloween Lots of candy and fun!

Please Pray that things will get better for us. We have alot to deal with and so little time till Christmas and Lexie come with no money for either. I am Sure God will Provide but it is still hard!! Thank You ALL

Things are Ok

Lexie Lou Loss 10 .28.2010 You may be able to tell she was crying see her little lower lip? She was upset by the prob in her face!! My Poor Baby! The Tech even said she was crying. 27 Weeks 1 Day. I got to see her in real time and it was so sad!


Well everything Looked ok. Lexie is Growing great just a bit under average
but most baby's with the problems I have have really slow growth so we
are so happy she is a whopping 2lb 1oz at this time (27 weeks 1 Day). We
are shooting for 36 weeks So in the last week of December she will be
born but OB dose not think we w...ill make it past 34 weeks. I Will have to have a hysterectomy and may need some bladder removed we wont know until the time of the Surgery. Right now everything is good so I am hopeful!! Thank you all for your Prayers they are much wanted and Needed!!She is scheduling it for a day when the best oncology, ob and urology surgeons are there. I am hoping to have her the week after Christmas but if they are all on leave at that time it will b the week before.

She is so cute and looks so much like her Daddy I can not wait to hold her in my arms. I am so Blessed to have so many wonderful Children!! I could not ask for more! I can not wait until this little one joins us and makes are family whole! I miss my Sweet Sonya so much and there is always going to be that place that not even Lexie can fill in my heart but I know God has a Plan for me and I will see one day way she was taken from me and I Rejoice in the fact of knowing I will one day see her again and get to spend eternity with her in my arms!! Some days as I feel Lexie move it is hard not to be sad that I never got this much time with her sister! Would Sonya have liked to lie low would she have kicked me in the most annoying places?? I will never know but I know the I cherish every minute I have with my children I thank God all the time for trusting me with these little souls!!

Thank You God For All You Have Given Me!! I Can Not Wait To See Whats In Store For Us Next!!

27 Weeks!!

27 Weeks Pregnant With Lexie Lou today! Wow how time really fly's I can not believe that I am so far along it seems like yesterday I thought it would be Forever until I reached this point!! I can not believe I am having a Girl it is so surreal still. I am so scared and not at all ready for whats to come. This Pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs, Scares and Prayers and now it will soon come to a dramatic close, I can not wait to see what God has in store for me next and what this chapter of my life will teach me. I have Faith everything is going to be ok! Please continue is Pray for us as we get closer to welcoming our new daugther in to this world it should be a day of joy and of sorrow memory's will flood back from the day I had Sonya and feelings of loss will come with them feelings of what might have been. Thank You!!

Happy Birthday!

Happy 4th Birthday My Sweet Sonya Marie! How I miss you so! It never gets easier and I can not believe it has been for whole years since my life was changed for ever. Since my safe world was shadderd and my heart was torn apart. I will have a hole in my life that will never close no matter what I do! I have God to Thank that I am still here and could get through the most horrible time in my life! I have god to Thank for Logan and soon for letting me have my Little Lexie in my arms. I have God to thank for the time I got with Sonya inside me. I Love You MY Sweet Sweet Girl and can not wait to Hold You In Heaven. Words can not say how much I Miss You!

Sonya you have my soul
Sonya you have my Heart
The day you left this earth
you tore my world apart
Sonya I know you fate
and at some later date
we well meet again
and we will begin
Our whole life again!

Mommy Love's You!

Heaven is A Face

Sonya I Miss and Love You Lexie I can't Wait to Meet You and Praise God for You This is for You Both!

As I sit here in the hospital I miss my family and I miss holding my Logie! I just wish I was more certen about where we where going from here. It is hard to think of going home only to come back over and over again.My whole body hurts I just feel blah and think this is the best place for me to be right now. I hope they make the right choice and not only what is easiest!

We are at a hard time in our life we are behind in everything and I do not know if I will have lights or gas when I get home because we had no money to pay for them Hell we have no money to pay for our Home even our van is behind a payment no money for baby stuff we are just in need of help and have no one to com to our aid! Then we have to think about Christmas and all the money that will go into that and it is hard not to be very over whelmed more over whelmed then I have ever been and at the worst time! Please Lord just Help See Us Through This Please We Need You To Carry us!
I hate to feel like I am whining but I am just so scared about it all I want to cry all the time ans don't know what to do? I am so lonely! My Family can not come a visit me during the week because we do not have the money for gas so I am stuck here all week with out seeing any of them! I talk to them on the phone from time to time but I want to hold and kiss my baby's!! Why dose everything have to be so hard? I know there is a reason for all this and I will someday know it but It is just So hard when you are in the midst of it all to see.

I feel Lexie move inside me and feel such Joy I Love her so much and am so happy to have her. I was not prepared for her or any of the sickness and hard time that came with her but would not trade her for the world!I can not wait to hold this little girl in my arms and praise God for her! It is Just getting there that is the Hard Part Please Pray for Me That things get a little easier and that We find away to pay our Bills Thank you to who ever reads this and takes the time to Pray for Us!

Hospital Stay

I am in the Hospital and have been here since Sunday this is the second time in a week I have ended up here. I came in on Wednesday the 23rd and was here until Sunday the 26th and now here I sit again and will probable stay here for the next 10 weeks. They keep going back and forth about what to do and it is driving me kind of crazy I wish they would just make up their minds it is hard for my family for me to come in and out and I think even though I am away from my Children and it stinks that I should just stay so they do not keep getting traumatized by Mommy coming home and leaving over and over again!I was here for The Walk To Remember and to for Sonya's reburial and that hit me really hard I really wanted to be there with my Family! I miss my Family so so much and hate being so far away. I am happy to be here though and getting the care for My Daughter and I. I just want to stay I am so scared to go home and have something happen and not get here on time I have so so many things wrong!

Here is what I wrote on A Birth Board about my Problems:
I have Placenat Accrea (sp?)that is slowly starting to show signs of precerta(sp) and looks like it may grow in to my bladder if it already hasn't.I have C-Section scar dishisons that separated a bit at around 14 weeks but as of now hasn't got worse also uterus is so thin the can not measure it and it looks like there is nothing there in MRI and U/S. I also have blood in my urine and stool and I have an autoimmune disorder and diverticulitis and cilecas(sp?).I have to have a hysterectomy at the birth so they have to make sure I am close just in case something gos wrong since I have low platelets and Iron.Throw in my dislocating and swelling joints and I have loads of fun! I feel like I am falling apart.Ugh I don't care about the scar that the classic C will leave but do do worry about it going from pubic bone to almost breast because the uterus is so big they have to cut high! I am worried about recovery time and having to go to the ICU for a couple days to a week and get a bunch of blood transfusions.Then having to deal with never having children again. Oh Joy This should be fun but as long as Lexie is safe and Healthy it is so so worth it all! I don't care what I have to go through as long as Lexie stays in there as long as she can! I wasn't even suppose to be in the Hospital full time until I was 32 weeks but new is was a possibility after 24 so here we are 2 days from being 24!! I am happy I am in here since I live so far away I would have been scared that I wouldn't get here in time. I may do the "sleepover" Idea that sounds good I am sure he will love me as much as he dose now I am just scared he will think I don't Love him! Thank you all for taking the time to read this!

So as you can see there is a lot going on to be worried about. I dont know why they would even think of sending me home at this point I am going to be 24 weeks tomorrow and we have already planned on me coming and staying here soon because of the risk of being so far away. I am at a loss for how to explane to them my reasoning for wanting to stay. I am just really scared at this point and think it is the best place for me.

Please I Need Prayers Now more then ever. Here is what for:
Please Pray they make the right choice for me and keep me here.
Please Pray that my family makes the adjustment well and this all dose not distured and trumazie their lifes to much.
Please Pray for Our Fianances we are really tight and it takes a lot of money to drive out here we are backed up on all our bills and my husband dose not make enough to keep up!
Please Pray my Mom will get my disablity aproved because it will really help with the finances.
Please Pray my Mom and Husband adjust well with me being away and take care of the boys the way I would.
Please Pray that the Boys Adjust well to this all and do not become to sad.
Please Pray that I do not get to Lonely and keep my Faith through this whole thing!
Please Pray That Lexie and I stay safe and well taken Care of.

Thank You.
I believe that God will let whats best happen and not give me more then I can handle! I believe he has a plan for me and I am just waiting for it to unfold before me. I Love The Lord with all My Heart and Soul!I could not get through My days with out my Faith in Him. He is The reason I am the Person I am today. I Thank Him everyday for the Life and Family He has given me! I Thank Him everyday for The time I had with Sonya and The time I have with The Boys and Lexie! I Love You Lord.

While I guess this is long enough. Please if any One really reads this Pray for me. Thank You and God Bless. I hope everyone is having A Great Day!!