Thursday, September 18, 2008

My story part 3

Ok so we got them back and every thing was fine there dad came to see them in the summer and had to be supervised and they got a new little sister in June of 2006 (the bum's) so every thing was going good. Carl and I were planing our wedding and we were just happy being a family and happy with our life's.

Well in July on 22nd I was surprised to find out after 2 years of trying I was pregnant! I was at my sisters house and found an ept so I asked her if I could take it just for fun (I knew I wasn't pregnant we had been trying for 2 years with no luck) she said sure so I took it and there I was in the bathroom calling for Carl when he got in there i asked him what dose this look like he looked at the ept and said I don't know then i said hunny it says I'm pregnant. I was not getting my hopes up I knew I wasn't it was so lite i must have done it wrong! so I went and got another that night took it and it said the same thing. I said no no its wrong. and the next day i got another and it came out the same. Carl was out side and i went out said jumped on him and said its right I am.I wasn't really going to believe it in tell i went to the doctors the next day (this all happened on the weekend so i had to wait to go to the doctor till Monday ). So Monday came and I went to the doctor and took yet another test and sure enough it was positive! We were have the baby we wanted so badly. I stopped smoking and started taking my vits that day.

Two weeks later on aug 7th i was just going about my daily stuff taking care of the boys and so on when I felt something wet, I went to the bath room and the was a blood clot the size of a golf ball in the tolite I started to scream no no please god save my baby I dropped to my knees and prayed right there. I called Carl at work crying my eyes out he hardly could understand me. I screamed in to the phone I'm losing our baby he said ok I'll be there in a min. Next I called my mom and told her I'm loseing my baby please come meet me at the hospital so you can take Bryan i had my youngest son with me the other to were at school. Carl came in the house and got Bryan and put him in the car i was right behind him crying so hard i couldn't see. Carl told me on the way to the hospital he could only drop me off because his boss wouldn't let him out of work. So he left me there with our 3 year old on my lap baling my eyes out. He didn't want to leave me but we couldn't afford for him to lose his job. thankfully my mom showed up 30min later she took Bryan to wait for the other 2. So I was left scared and alone. They checked me and said it looked like i stopped bleeding and did a bunch of blood work and after like 3 hours they finely got me in for a u/s i sat in the waiting area for another hour. Finely they took me back and I laid down and they started. The lady was very nice she told me this is the uterus and this is the sac and the min she went over her I new it there she was perfect little heart beating 155 a min little arms and legs moving around every where she told me i was 7 week 2 day and the due date was on march 24 2007. I was so happy when she said your baby looks fine and handed me a picture. she looked like a peanut and I didn't know what she was yet so that was her name from that day in tell the day I found out. I went back to my room with my picture revealed and happy. They told me to go home stay in bed and go to my doctors in 3 days those 3 days were hell. I talked to peanut and read to her and sang to her.

Then the big day came i went to my doctors she checked me out checked the hcg levels and said I'm fine to go back to my daily life. Every thing was great a little morning sickness but not much. I went to for my 9 week visit on on aug 22 did all the routine tests and every thing was good.I went to my 13 week check up on sept 20 i heard my baby's heart beat for the first and last time it was 133 and they could only find it for 5 sec but it was 5 sec of pure heaven. I was so happy my baby was ok.

Oct 17 it was a Tuesday I went for my 18 week check and I was so happy I lost a pound and was felling good. I went in and laid down and the nurse went to find the baby's heart beat she couldn't find it so she got the doctor and she couldn't find it so they left and came back and told me she was going to send me for a u/s just to ease my mind I was in shock I went to the window to get the appointment and the lady was 8 months pregnant I started to cry a little Carl assured me every thing was fine and we where off to the hospital for a u/s they had me waiting for an hour sitting there holding my belly praying she was ok. Well they finely called us and she started the scan i was looking at the screen and new something was wrong peanut was so small compared to the boys at this stage I saw the colors on the screen flicker so I had hope . The tech told Carl he had to leave because I need to have a intervenes scan so he left and she took a lot of pics and then she left and came back with two other people and they were talking and then they left and two more came in with them so there was five. I knew something was wrong then this had never happened before. Then they left and she told me to wait well she talked to my doctor. So I waited and she told me I had to go back to my doctors office and she would tell me the results I knew when she didn't hand me pics to leave with something was wrong with my baby. I collapsed in to Carl's arms crying when I got out to the waiting room. I cried the whole way to the doctors. When we got there, there was 4 pregnant women in the waiting room and a newborn! I was so crushed. The doctor called us back and said I see your already crying and I said yes she said I'm sorry Melissa your baby doesn't have a heart beat. I hit the floor crying. Carl was crying to. Then she said but the kidneys are still working i said what dose that mean and she said I do not know we have never seen any thing like this before. She told me she wasn't gone yet but that she would be in the next 24 hours I was so sad.Then she told me she wanted to wait till Monday the next week to do another u/s to make sure she didn't get better. I said ok made the appointment and went home crying. I told my mother and she kept trying to give me hope well the kidneys are still working there's hope still I said mom there no hope stop trying (even though I was praying and begging for a miracle my self.). that night I stayed up talking singing reading a touching her I was trying to make her as comfortable as possible hoping and praying she wasn't in pain.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next morning and stayed on the couch all day hoping it would help my mom took the kids. that whole day I spent time with her talking and singing and rubbing my belly reading her story's i wanted her to hear as much of my voice as possible I told her it was ok to leave if she wasn't strong enough to fight any more I loved her and would be ok if she left. I fell asleep around 1 and had a dream that I haven't had before or since. I was rocking a baby in a pink blanket talking to her kissing her hugging her and singing and telling her how much i loved her. I thought she was hunger so I asked for a bottle the lady next to me said you cant feed her shes not yours you have to let her go now I said no I'm not ready to let go of her yet! The lady said to me but she is so I gave her one last kiss and a hug told her how much I loved and would miss her and then in tears gave her to the lady she walked off in to the light with her. I truly believe that that was my baby and god let me hold her before she left me. I woke up calling her name it was 3:45 AM I'll never forget it.I went to the bathroom and there was blood I knew she was gone this was Thursday I went to the Dr that morning and told her I was bleeding and wanted to do the u/s that day so it was set up for 3.I went there to get it was in and out in ten min I saw her on the screen she wasn't moving I knew she was gone. I went in the waiting room and they called me back to talk to my Dr on the phone she said the words I knew where coming all function has stopped. the nurses said i]I'm so sorry as she was crying.

They set up an induction for the following day at 1. So I went home and still talked to her people said things like your baby's gone you can drunk and smoke if you want I snapped back no I cant because peanut is still I'm my body and I'm going to keep her from harm in tell she is gone from me.Then Friday oct 20th 2006 I went to the hospital Carl could only drop me off because his boss wouldn't let him have the day off I was so mad I hate his boss now! So I was there about to have our baby alone.They tried every thing to get me to dialate and couldn't they had to take her the put me out I didn't get to see her because they had to get her to the genealogist right away as soon as i woke up I asked what was peanut and the doctor said a girl i was heartbroken we were hoping for a girl and here she was our little girl only to be taken away from us . We named her Sonya Marie loss.I went home to heal and wait for the results.The Dr called a week later and told me that my daughter died of a chromosome 21 trans location and deletion . its so rare it doesn't have a name and they never saw a baby that lived as long as she did with this defect.

Usely they die 2 weeks after concipton and it was a miracle she survived as long as she did my doctor told me she was fighting because she knew you loved and wanted her there's no other reason she would have lived so long she was my little fighter.She was truly a miracle.I hold every kick every hiccup every movement close to my heart I started to show the week before she passed.We put her to rest on May 6TH 2007 after the ground unthewed. I have gotten through this one day at a time.I love her so much and miss her every day. she is my heart my soul when she died a piece of me died to. I will always have a hole in my heart where she should be. We thought we would never have children together. Boy were we wrong!

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