Sunday, June 7, 2009

I Remember.

7 Week U/S of Sonya Marie

I remember the day I had Sonya the priest came and talked to me and they didn't tell me I had any options to Hold her or take pictures or any thing I remember being wheel to the or and being put under then I remember Waking screaming for my baby and for my husband and hearing my doctor say to the nurse "she has asked me where her baby was 3 times now just make sure you take care of her and remind her why she was here." I guess I fought and I was yelling for them to give me my baby before I was even awake.I wanted my husband so bad and I still have hurt feelings at his old boss and friend that he would not let him out of work for the worst day of my life. I just remember asking for her over and over again and them telling me to clam down you lost a a lot of blood your baby is at the funeral home already. I asked over and over if they were sure of her sex and they said they thought she was a girl but she was so small (she was 18 weeks but the size of a 14 weeker because of her inter uterine growth retardation.) I remember my doctor saying they did another u/s right before they took her to make sure she was really gone. They told me she was deformed and it was better I didn't see her anyway they told me that they did take her whole body all at once (i told them I would not have a d&e unless she was taken whole.)

What they didn't tell me is I could have held her took pictures and her foot prints and hand prints done spent time with her. Why did they not tell me?I will never be that naive again I know my choices now if any thing was to happen! I am so mad at my self and at them for not knowing and them not telling me! I have so much guilt in my soul because I did not fight harder or scream louder for her. I am so mad when I went to pick up Sonya's last u/s pictures they wanted to make me pay 50 dollars and asked me why I wanted pictures of a dead baby!! I didn't get them I didn't have 50 dollars she wasn't dead she was Dieing! AND those are the last living pictures I have of my daughter! I Love her so much so so much she is my daughter why can't people see that?

The only pictures I have of her are the 7 weeks u/s I had.Her heart rate was 176 and she was moving her little arms and legs around.I will remember that day forever the only time I ever saw my daughter alive and moving the next time I saw her on u/s she was to sick to move to tired and her body was failing her already. I love My Sonya Marie so so much.


No comments: